OFF TOPIC ...
Perhaps everyone can Quote others " Off Topic " rants into here ... there are numerous classic examples in the last few months ... But remember to only cut and paste the first off topic post from each thread ... the ones that follow are legitimate ...
FROM the NW Barrel thread .
uplift commented Friday, 3 Jan 2014 at 8:12pm
: "'big bloke'
Sneaky, you are victor aren't you camster!
But then I guess if you were standing with a heap of pro surfers, you would like kind of huge."
..... and then that topic changed to whatever . either way your toxic to general conversation .
you do realise " the excitement machine " is derrogatory ... in that you are one dimensional .
your really INTO glutes , completely and utterly balls deep into 'em ..... Uplift was an ice skating move wasn't it ... but in your case a real life version of " Blades of Glory " . !!
"HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING"
Quote S-G-2
"Gidday, I've actually been training, people. And I have to do more trains in a minute. With real trains. Well, real model trains. But trains that go choo choo. With whistles, and conductors hats, and tunnels, and bridges, and steam. Well, cotton wool, which if you half close your eyes looks like real steam.."
From "Shark experts cagey about links to attacks"
Uplift wrote
"Sharks hey? Well one day I go into Elly pub, everyone was pleased to see me, girls trying to chat me up and guys I don’t even know trying to buy me beers. Amasing stuff. Anyway I let Bob buy me a beer and he tells me about this crazy scientist that come into town and trying to tell the kids at the school that their are 3 theirs. There, their and they’re. I said bullshit their all the same word, they sound exactly the same he’s just making up 2 extras and changing the spelling. Bob says “that’s what I thought too, but I wasn’t sure, but I knew you would know the right answer.”
So I go straight down to the school to see this csiro science man from the big smoke.
“what’s this I hear about you trying to brainwash the kids around here with 3 different theirs?”
“I’m just teaching them the differences between there, their and they’re. English is a complicated language”
“Their is only one their. Their all the same. Don’t try and confuse these kids with your scientific terms such as nouns, verbs or possessive adjectives.”
“They are not scientific terms, and I’m not a scientist. I’m a teacher.”
“All you scientists are the same, just ask the indigenous people of this country. They were going just deluxe for 60,000 years and then you came along.”
“ummm… I’m not sure what you are talking about”
“Well let me tell you. This fat chick came to me, none of you so-called expert scientists could help her, had her on all sorts of crazy low-fat diets but she still put on wait. Hilarious. So I “trained” her hard for 12 weeks (if you know what I mean ;)), had her eating a dozen boiled eggs a day, duck fat and a couple of big macs. Look at these 2 photos. Before and after. Now try and tell me I don’t know about quandongs”
“quandongs??… Uhh.. anyway she doesn’t really look much different and why is she holding that newspaper. Isn’t that what they do with hostages in south America??”
“ohhh so now you’re an expert on the health and fitness industry are you?!? The newspaper shows how long it was between the before and after shot. And don’t believe anything you hear about me holding fat chicks hostage and me making them eat eggs and cream”
“Well actually it doesn’t prove anything. I think you’ve been watching too many Hollywood movies. You could keep a newspaper from today and use it 6 months later for your after photo. The only thing it proves in the movies is that the person was alive as of that date, not how fit they are or how much they weigh, besides you can’t even read the dates in your photos.”
“Look you scrawny little gimp scientist, you know nothing about fitness, I once sucked off Toddy Archer in the carpark and then he went out and got the best barrel of his life. I’m the best basketballer in Elliston and pro surfers aren’t even fit, did you even see the pipe final JJF and Kelly, and one time Maurice and wayne came to town, another time kango and rabbit did too and I showed them all. It was amasing. So I’m telling you the composition of this chicks blood changed don’t even worry about the newspapers in the photos. WORDY SAID IT TOO, SO BAD LUCK”
“Wait.. who is JJF, Kelly or maurice? And what do they have to do with me teaching children correct grammar?? And whilst I’m not a scientist, it seems you have something against scientific process yet you claim to have changed the composition of this “fat chicks” blood by “training” her hard. How exactly did you measure that?”
“By tasting it of course, here look at these 2 photos. Before and after. Fat chick in the back ground holding a newspaper. That’s me in the front tasting her blood. See my thumbs down. Now in this one. Thumbs up!! See you wimpy little expert scientists don’t know everything. Now let me tell you about sharks…..
From chia thread .
Uplift ,
" Experience shows changing the components of the equation, the story, the well worn pattern, can often be insurmountable. And questioning highly successful people often gets their fans bristling. Its happened many times on this site. Its all in the perception. I view it as weird that people would overlook all the injuries. Then the story often is that its just part and parcel of the territory. Clinging to that one is surefire doom. Like clinging to a four minute mile, or flight, as a scientifically proven impossibility. Some people ditch it, the proven 'facts', persist and stay focused on a different more beneficial direction, and it becomes a reality. So a four minute mile happens and the world is covered with planes and airports. Yet, the initial instigators were once ridiculed as idiots, dreamers, weird even.
"
covers everything ..... really ????
dare to dream aye ..... you've taken this too seriously
Also from Chia thread
Upsadaisy
"I played a sport famous for fucking up backs, knees ankles and shoulders at the top level for years, and at 60 am injury free. Everyone I played with was horrified at my eating style, but they all went under the knife."
Three things:
1. Playing with model trains is NOT a sport.
2. Just because your injuries only show when you open your mouth or sit behind a keyboard does NOT mean they have gone away.
3. Cannabilism is NOT cool.
Would this be the right place to post surfing jokes? And how politically correct must we be? Are speech impediments ok? Kneelos? Boogys? Homosexuality? Religion?
Damn it!
There goes my joke about the one legged, gay priest with a hare lip.
Does he catch waves Zen..?
Zenagain. I have got a surf joke..... Not too many surf jokes around. heaps about blondes, irishmen etc, but sweet f/a surf jokes... Why is that? In another thread here, maybe I've worked it out. Maybe the vast majority of surfers don't have a sense of humor...
Anyway, my quite lame joke involves a gay surfer with a speech impediment... With political correctness gone mad, and the absolute lameness of the joke, i'm frightened to post :)
No Welly, he hops into a gay bar and says to the bartender 'I'd like a thmall thnifter of therry my thon'.
the bartender says 'that'll be $15 father and if you don't mind me saying so, we don't get many priests in here'.
The padre replied 'No wonder, with the prices of your bloody drinks'.
Sorry Sheepy, missed ya there.
I've got one.
Two surfers are idly chatting in the lineup and one says to the other 'I got one of them new fancy hybrid fishes for the wife'.
The other bloke says, 'Wow, great trade!'
Sheepdog wrote:Would this be the right place to post surfing jokes? And how politically correct must we be? Are speech impediments ok? Kneelos? Boogys? Homosexuality? Religion?
Sheepster, go for your life anything is okay on swellnet, if the politically correct have a go at you then that just adds to the fun.
Morris, I think I'm on the verge of being banned...... Don't wanna push my luck ;p
Nice work zenmeister.....
No such thing here Sheepio.
You might have to find your own bridge or cave :)
Yeah wellsy, I'm done with surf forecasting.... I'm just gonna hang here with you bad kids, wag classes and smoke durries down the back of the oval ;p
Allright, Wellsy.... I'm just gonna chat to you for a little while. I have a reason. The reason is so that what I a about to say doesn't appear on the front page of swell net. There...... That should be enough banter....
Now, I'm about to warn... This surfing joke is so lame, so pathetic, that you will wonder why you asked to hear it. ;)
A gay couple go for a surf at their favorite uncrowded secret little wave spot. One of them is a novice surfer with a speech impediment. We'll call him "speechy". His boyfriend we'll call "nugget".
Now, Speechy takes off on a wave and digs a rail on his bottom turn, comes up shaking his head, paddles back out to nugget and says, "Dam it! I dugs a rails". Nugget says "don't you mean dug a rail?"
"Yeah", says speechy.
Anyway, a bit later, speechy takes off and gets caught a behind a section. Speechy yells out "bloody hell! I just stuffed anothers wave!" Nugget says, " Don't you mean another wave". "Yeah", says speechy.
Anyway, same thing happens again.... Speechy yells out "This surfing is really hards". Nugget says "don't you mean really hard"? "Yeah", says speechy.
Well Nugget turns to speechy and asks, "look sweetheart, do you want to stay out here practicing your surfing , or would you rather go home and f*ck me?"
Speechy says "hmmmm, dunno. but either way, I'm sure it's my bottoms turn......" :)
Classic Sheepio,
Wouldn't of gone down well in the thread about gay's surfing (Out in the lineup).....?
I got one for ya.
Sheepio.
Old Don'o goes on his first pig hunting trip, all the way over to the North Island of NZ, to meet up with a good friend Rangi, keen pig hunter Rangi is...!
They meet up and go hunting, walking silently along a fence line in the middle of bum fuk, all of a sudden Rangi looks around at Don'o and raises his hand to stay still. Dono's waiting in suspension as all hunters do, only to see Rangi rip his pants down and walk up to the old sheep whose head was stuck in the fence and gave it one......!
Well, ol Don'o was gob smacked.
Rangi once finished, looked around at Don'o and said wanna have a go....?
Well to Rangi's amazement, Don'o walked up to the fence ripped his pants down and stuck his head in the fence......!
North Island great surf.............:) And great..............hahahha.
This is a sight gag so you'll have to visualise it...
Q: why is Jesus so popular with women ?
( now assume the Christ on the cross pose with hands spread wide )
A: because he was hung like this. (Boom Tish.)
Blasphemy .... the highest form of humour?
Well, wellsy, I was in kiwiland a while back, and when i drove past this paddock, a kiwi farmer was "servicing" one of his flock.... I yelled out, "hey mate!!!!! In Australia we shear those!!!"
He yelled back - "yeah wil I aint shearin' her wuth no one!!!!!" ;)
@Welly you are a Siamese twin..........your brother is gay.........you are not
your brothers boyfriend is coming around tonight for sex
but...........you only have one arsehole ??
Eeeewwwww!!!!
udo!!!!!!! Why did you edit it?!!!????? So funny hahahaha lol
spelt with an "e"...ewe.....
You've probably heard this one but:
Three guys die and go to heaven and are addressed by God before entering. He says to the first one, you were a great bloke, really good husband, faithfull, honest, so you get a top of the line Ferrari to drive around in up here.
He says to the next guy, you were ok, not a bad bloke, cheated on your wife once though, told a few porky's, so you get Ford Falcon to drive around in up here.
God's not happy with the next guy, says he was a crook, always ripped his mates off, cheated on his wife all the time, but tells him to make amends, and gives him a clapped out, rust bucket Austin 1800 to drive around.
They are all driving around in heaven and come across the first guy in the Ferrari, slumped in the gutter along side his car, bawling his eyes out. 'Shit, whats wrong with you mate, you got a Ferrari, look at us.' He sobs back, 'Yeh, I know, but I just saw me wife go past on a fucked skateboard with 3 wheels.'
A pretty young teacher says to her students, "give me a word with 3 syllables".... A heap of hands fly up, and she picks Wellymon...... "Wonderful", says Wellymon... "Won....der....ful...."
"Well done", Wellymon. Can you use it in a sentence", the teacher asks?
Wellymon says "my dad reckons you're wonderful".....
The teacher blushes.... She then picks another one of the many raised hands....... "Brutus, can you give a word with 3 syllables?"
"Beautiful, miss..... Beau.....ti......ful.....", says Brutus.
Well done, Brutus. Now use it in a sentence, says teacher.
Brutus smiles and says, "my dad reckons your beautiful, miss"......
The teacher blushes again, but then notices that little rascal Uplift up the back of the class waving his hand like a maniac.....
"Yes uplift", she snarls.....
"Miss! Miss! Miss!!! I gotta a word with 3 syllables!!!!! says uplift...
The teachers eyes roll back from previous experiences, and says "ok, uplift.... What is your word?"....
"URINATE!" yells uplift...... "Ur.....in.....ate!!!!!..... Oh... oh! I can use it in a sentence too, miss!!!!.....
"Fine uplift.... let's hear it", she sighs....
Uplift smiles and says.... " my dad reckons ur an 8, but if ya had bigger tits you'd be a 10"........
And the teacher runs off with big lifty, ala Elvis v Cliff Richards.
A couple of years back I went to a swingers club, a bit shy i hid in the shadows drinking a couple of beers watching the action..........got a mongrel of a boner that wouldn't go away..........then I spied a freshly shaved snatch pointing right at me.....fuck .........the female was busy giving some guy a blow job ..so I snuck up from behind gave it a growl and then slipped my dick in......bit sloppy hmm....pumped away for a bit then
I shot me me load exactly as the same time as the guy getting the blow job.....
and then I recognized the guy
FUCK FUCK FUCK
Dad you cunt what are you doing here being unfaithfull to mum ?
I'm not son he replied !
Filthy udo!
Nice one Uppity.
Sheepy, thought you were going to tell the one about the three syllable 'contagious'.
A German Shepherd and a Chihuahua are sitting in the waiting room of a Vet and struck up a conversation.
The Shepherd says to the little fella 'what are you in for mate?'. The Chihuahua replied (shaking and quivering as they do) 'I'm getting put down'. 'No shit?' says the Shepherd, 'What did you do?'. The Chihuahua meekly said with a tinge of contempt 'The Masters son Johnny, the little fucker, kept pulling my tail so I turned around and bit the prick and now they're going to make me pay'.
'Bummer' said the big Shep.
'Anyway, what are you in for?' whimpered the little one.
'Well, it's quite embarrasing really, the Masters wife was bent over cleaning the bathtub, waving that big behind at me and I couldn't help myself, I went up and mounted her.'
'Oh my god!' spluttered the little Mexican 'Are you getting put down too?'
'Nah' said the Shepherd 'I'm getting my nails clipped.'
A lady about to turn 50yrs old was having lots of vaginal discomfort brought on by labia piercings from her twenties...her bits were very saggy and lopsided and went to see the best plastic surgeon in Australia.
no problem I can fix that said the surgeon i'll get it back to how it looked 30 yrs ago.....
a few days later she under went surgery, when she woke in recovery ward there was a note from the surgeon ,
the op was a very successful and all looks good
next to that was a vase of flowers with a card attached from her husband ....lots of love darling xxxxxx
then she saw another card .....which was from Freddy downstairs in the burns unit........
he said thankyou so much for my ears .
Little udo set his model train set up in the loungeroom... he loved to play with his train set, and he always pretended to be the conductor...
Yudo yelled out, "Tooot tooot! All those that wanna get off the fuckn train, get off the fuckn train.... All those that wanna get on the fuckn train, get on the fuckn train!!!! Toot Toot!!!!"
In the kitchen, his mother heard this, and ran into the loungeroom..... "Yudo!" she yelled... I don't like that foul language... If you keep that up, I'll send you to your room for 1/2 an hour!"
Off she walked, back to the kitchen...
Anyway , 5 minutes go by, and sure enough, udo "the conductor"yells out, "Tooot tooot! All those that wanna get off the fuckn train, get off the fuckn train.... All those that wanna get on the fuckn train, get on the fuckn train!!!! Tooot Tooot!!!!"
His mum storms in from the kitchen and yells, "This is your last warning, Udo!! I mean it! If you keep up this potty mouth, I'll send you to your bedroom for 1/2 an hour!!!"
Anyway, 5 minutes go by, and as if on time, Yudo yells out "Tooot tooot!!!! All those that wanna get off the fuckn train, get off the fuckn train.... All those that wanna get on the fuckn train, get on the fuckn train!!!! Tooot Tooot!!!!"
Enraged, his mum stomps in from the kitchen and grabs Udo by the ear.... "That's it young man!! Off to your bedroom!!!! Now!!!!!"
30 minutes go by.... Udo's mum puts the roast back in the oven and walks up to Udo's room and says, "ok Udo, I hope you've learnt a lesson. You can go back to the train set now....
Udo gets to his train set, sits down and yells out..... "Tooot tooot!!!! All those that wanna get off the fuckn train, get off the fuckn train.... All those that wanna get on the fuckn train, get on the fuckn train!!!! And anyone whinging about the train being 1/2 an hour late, you can blame the cunt in the kitchen!!!! Tooot Tooot!!!!"
Rang up the boss last week and said " sorry boss I'm not coming in today I'm sick"
He replied " c'mon roger don't be soft, how sick are you?"
" well boss, I just woke up in bed with my sister!" I replied
Ewwwwe!
But funny Roger.
UDO, OMG
Swingers.....!
Nice one :)
Ohh yeah Udo,
Be careful calling my brother gay.....!
He's the sort to come over here, hunt you down and a 222 bullet between the eyes and feed you to the pigs.
I would not not let him tho Udo,
Trust me......
Sheepio
Loved that one.
Toot toot. hahahhaha
:)
zenagain wrote:A German Shepherd and a Chihuahua are sitting in the waiting room of a Vet and struck up a conversation.
The Shepherd says to the little fella 'what are you in for mate?'. The Chihuahua replied (shaking and quivering as they do) 'I'm getting put down'. 'No shit?' says the Shepherd, 'What did you do?'. The Chihuahua meekly said with a tinge of contempt 'The Masters son Johnny, the little fucker, kept pulling my tail so I turned around and bit the prick and now they're going to make me pay'.
'Bummer' said the big Shep.
'Anyway, what are you in for?' whimpered the little one.
'Well, it's quite embarrasing really, the Masters wife was bent over cleaning the bathtub, waving that big behind at me and I couldn't help myself, I went up and mounted her.'
'Oh my god!' spluttered the little Mexican 'Are you getting put down too?'
'Nah' said the Shepherd 'I'm getting my nails clipped.'
Zenagain , Just clipped me nails the other day, my beautiful wife was frustrated with me the nails were getting tangled in her hair when I pulled on it,
There was a balloon family,
Father balloon, mother balloon and baby balloon. One night when all were tucked up in bed, baby balloon wanted to cuddle up with his parents but he found he couldn't fit between father balloon and mother balloon. He let a little bit of air out of father balloon then let a little bit of air out of mother balloon and squeezed in snug between them.
In the morning at breakfast, father balloon announced "baby balloon I'm very disappointed in you, you have let your mother down, you have let me down......."
Ref; Kerry 'skull' Okeefe ABC radio grandstand
What do you call a man with 12 rabbits up his arse
Warren.
Salty, thought that was going to be a fart joke.
You've left me a little deflated.
Sorry to burst your bubble zen
That's alright Salty, I've exhausted all my avenues.
Hope nobody gets wind of it;)
What a disgusting thread.... Troglodytes...... Neanderthals....... You call this humour?!!!???? Blasphemy, sexism, incest, bestiality..... Should be ashamed of yourselves....
But if you can't beatem', joinem'....
A teenager in a small country town asks her dad, "dad, the seniors dance is on this weekend and I need $200"....
Dad says -" if you give me a blow job you can have the money"...
She says 'piss off you pervert!! Dad I really need the cash, no joke"...
Dad says- "i gave you my offer, a blow job for the money....
She says - "Ohh alright you sick old twisted man"....
So she's down doing the deed, and halfway through she looks up and says - "Dad, your cock tastes like shit!!!"
Dad replies - "well that's because your brother wanted to borrow the car this morning"......
Sheepio.................. Jesus.
sheepdog wins!
Agreed Welly, sweet baby Jesus.
Simba, mate, after a joke like that, there's no winners.
Might have heard it but it is worth hearing again;
http://m.
The thread with no Aim , Context or Meaning .
Generally every other topic ends here , so I'll start it at the end ....