Baz, Elo and the Gang: Hits & Misses from Ding Alley’s 2020, in the Form of Shit Poetry

Ding Alley
Ding Alley

With the Woz & Doctor Suess
In the strangest of cahoots
And the Grinch now a Billabong Thing
Here’s reminisces aplenty
Of the year 2020
From the Alley that fucken goes Ding

Our first consternation
Was the grim realisation
That the Woz was a different beast
Under some strange illusion
They formed the conclusion
That contests now mattered the least

Now that melodramatic production
Was the key Wozzle function
The content delivery was hectic
(Whoever thought Unboxing With Koa
Was definitely a goer
Should be castrated with no anaesthetic)

Then sheer Covid terror
Led to Woz admin error
And a number of ill-advised emails
Thanks to weird rulebook bungle
The champ was literally a mongrel
And a Pomeranian bitch won the females

With the Tour in suspension
We then turned our attention
To the surf town that’s strictly fictitious
With Baz as its saviour
Displaying erratic behaviour
Veering from insightful to vicious

Toona’s less a location
And more amalgamation
Of the surf towns across this great nation
Iluka, Cronulla
Beloved Ulladulla
Wherever you feel trepidation

Newcastle to Angas
Margaret River to Agnes
Are where our stories all have their genesis
Thus Toona was born
Somewhere between Noosa and Lorne
Wherever blow-in caaarrnts meet with their nemesis

From invading clown hordes
To hipsters losing their boards
And Grommets making outrageous tubed claims
From former pro heroes
To hesitant rockjumping zeroes
And a lineup that mentally maims

Our two worlds collided
When Elo – uninvited
Visited Toona in a fact-finding role
A futile trip for the chief
Whose only joy and relief
Was playing with his Kai Lenny doll

History may have been changed
When a slightly deranged
Elo got on Toona’s best gear
And while stoned he imagined
A pro tour refashioned
But not to be… alas… oh dear

Northerlies ended the fun
And a mum let down her son
And a Wavepool Developer tried to sell us
Attitudes definitely shifted
When border restrictions were lifted
And a quadriplegic had something to tell us

Despite self imposed strife
The Woz came back to life
With Pipeline presenting for duty
Tyler won with nary a shack
While John’s Pipeline attack
Was a thing of substantial beauty

The girls were obviously rattled
But gamely they battled
For prizemoney rightfully equal
And though some hefty late drops
Deserve sincere props
We’re on the fence about seeing a sequel 

It’s been Ding Alley’s dream
To join the fine Swellnet team
And though this year’s tested everyone’s mettle
That dream has come true
All thanks, dear reader, to YOU
And Matson, Brokensha & Nettle

Ding Alley is illustrator David @maccatoons McArthur and writers Gra Murdoch, Sprout, Goofyfoot, Robo, Fliplid, Distracted, Nick Bone, Troppo, Zenagain, Bue Diamond, Evosurfer, Memlasurf, Island Bay, Spuddups, Sheep go to heaven, Simba, Reefeater, Batfink, Bnkref, ringmaster, Udo, Standingleft, Pops, D-Rex, Blake87, Servant, NDC, Tango, Shoredump, Blowin, Vic Local, Jacksprat, Andrew-pitt, masseydoug, Ape Anonymous,  AndyM, rrr, andy-mac, san-Guine, Hoody, TrueBlueBasher, Velocity Johnno, S.I, Remigogo, Henry, mattlock, kieranol, Toooldtobeakook, surfinado, derra83, macman, Fitzroy-21, lucky-al, Baron von Spatula, Alex Workman, scott.laurenson, Bob Sacamano, crg, JM, Mishad, offshoreozzie, scroty, Bellavista, Michael Bourne, Chocalette, and many more, to whom we apologise for not getting to. Thanks heaps all, for your comments and criticisms and encouragement, and may 2021 be a ripper.

Comments

Island Bay's picture
Island Bay's picture
Island Bay commented Wednesday, 30 Dec 2020 at 3:55pm

Beauty!

2020 hasn’t had many things to brag about, but Ding Alley shone a clever, human and funny light on that shitter of a year.

Very well done - and happy New Year

Fliplid's picture
Fliplid's picture
Fliplid commented Wednesday, 30 Dec 2020 at 4:28pm

Wilfred Owen eat your heart out.

Thanks Gra and Dave for the little gems of humour through the year, every one has been a ripper

All the best to you both for the New Year

D-Rex's picture
D-Rex's picture
D-Rex commented Wednesday, 30 Dec 2020 at 4:55pm

I third that!

Jnrjep's picture
Jnrjep's picture
Jnrjep commented Wednesday, 30 Dec 2020 at 7:11pm

It,s a farkin thumbs up from this caaarnt

Redmond Clement's picture
Redmond Clement's picture
Redmond Clement commented Wednesday, 30 Dec 2020 at 8:20pm

Love the illustrations and your uplifting, inspirational words. Thank you. Thank you

crg's picture
crg's picture
crg commented Wednesday, 30 Dec 2020 at 9:04pm

Insightful, articulate AND funny...a rare combination. Well done DA...a great year!

I'm not cheap,
But I'm free.

tubeshooter's picture
tubeshooter's picture
tubeshooter commented Wednesday, 30 Dec 2020 at 10:11pm

nice . Can't wait for Baz to find out he's just a figment of some guys imagination , that shit could really faark with your head.

Pops's picture
Pops's picture
Pops commented Wednesday, 30 Dec 2020 at 10:50pm

Thing of beauty that was.
Well done Gra and Macca, and thanks for all the great reads this year.
NFI what I did to earn a shout-out, but I'll take it.

He who hesitates is lost

Johan Wohlleben's picture
Johan Wohlleben's picture
Johan Wohlleben commented Thursday, 31 Dec 2020 at 1:28am

Nicely written as usual!! Happy New Year all!

shoredump's picture
shoredump's picture
shoredump commented Thursday, 31 Dec 2020 at 6:29am

Keep us laughing in 2021 DA, I think we’re gonna need it
Content could get even weirder yet

So long as I get a Kai Lenny doll under the tree I’ll be ok

Sheep go to heaven's picture
Sheep go to heaven's picture
Sheep go to heaven commented Thursday, 31 Dec 2020 at 7:25am

Faarken gold DA , Henry Lawson would be chuffed !!

dawnperiscope's picture
dawnperiscope's picture
dawnperiscope commented Thursday, 31 Dec 2020 at 7:27am

Very clever! And nice touch with the tip of the hat.
So how do you say Brokensha?

Ride on

Craig's picture
Craig's picture
Craig commented Thursday, 31 Dec 2020 at 7:43am

Broken-shay

crg's picture
crg's picture
crg commented Thursday, 31 Dec 2020 at 8:20am

Touché

I'm not cheap,
But I'm free.

Craig's picture
Craig's picture
Craig commented Thursday, 31 Dec 2020 at 8:21am

Ha, bang on!

crg's picture
crg's picture
crg commented Thursday, 31 Dec 2020 at 8:45am

What a cliche...

I'm not cheap,
But I'm free.

NDC's picture
NDC's picture
NDC commented Thursday, 31 Dec 2020 at 7:48am

Crediting everyone who’s commented as a co-author - very generous DAers

Thanks for the laughs - “Woman’s Fitness-As-Mother Called Into Question After Missing Son’s Wave“ episode was my personal favourite

More please in 2021

andy-mac's picture
andy-mac's picture
andy-mac commented Thursday, 31 Dec 2020 at 7:58am

Great work fellas!
Look forward to more in 2021.
Have a great new year!!
Peace.....

Botak

Bob Sacamano's picture
Bob Sacamano's picture
Bob Sacamano commented Thursday, 31 Dec 2020 at 8:43am

Nice sign off for 2020!. Thanks for the laughs legends. I have no doubt 2021 will be calamitous enough for more material. Happy New Year.

Westofthelake's picture
Westofthelake's picture
Westofthelake commented Thursday, 31 Dec 2020 at 9:18am

Loveyawork DA! All the best in 2021.

rrr's picture
rrr's picture
rrr commented Thursday, 31 Dec 2020 at 10:21am

maybe the Baz will dedicate a tune to you all on karaoke night and wish us all a happy faaaaarken new years .

Blowin's picture
Blowin's picture
Blowin commented Thursday, 31 Dec 2020 at 11:13am

Thanks for a good year of laughs and insights Ding Alley.

And thanks Gra for the same and more over the preceding thirty years of curating and contributing more than you share to the Oz surf culture.

Cheers gents. Raise a glass to youse.

Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch commented Thursday, 31 Dec 2020 at 1:01pm

Haha cheers Blowin! (Some say curating/contributing, others might say opportunistic leeching...) a ripper NY to yourself fella.

Craig's picture
Craig's picture
Craig commented Thursday, 31 Dec 2020 at 1:48pm

So many lols through the year. Thanks Gra and Macca!

san Guine's picture
san Guine's picture
san Guine commented Friday, 1 Jan 2021 at 4:40pm

Thanks Ding Alley. Looking forward to your art and wit in 2021!

Standingleft's picture
Standingleft's picture
Standingleft commented Friday, 1 Jan 2021 at 5:46pm

We had so much fun as kids surfing in the sun
Wave after wave from dawn til dusk now the surgery's begun
We'd just turn up at the beach and 'holy shit there's waves'
But with a full 16-day forecast
Those are the good old days
I've cancelled my subscriptions to Foxtel and the like
Get my entertainment from Ding Alley & the comments yous caarnts write

batfink's picture
batfink's picture
batfink commented Sunday, 3 Jan 2021 at 4:48pm

To be recognised by DA in the credits is the most humbling moment of my life, though not in a Rupert Murdoch kind of way.

I’d like to thank ...

Messrs Murdoch and Macca for fine drawings, uplifting prose, detailed human watching and reading of idiosyncrasies, humour and pathos, and probably bathos too , if my recollection of year 12 English classes from 1979 is still functional (going from the sublime to the ridiculous?)

DA has been one of the highlights of the year. Keep producing gentlemen, don’t make me wish for another Covid year just so I can keep up to date with Toona and residents.

mattlock's picture
mattlock's picture
mattlock commented Sunday, 3 Jan 2021 at 9:15pm

Thanks Gra and Macca. I am always stoked when I log on to SW and there is a new instalment of Ding Alley to read.
BTW Gra, it was fictional character Dr Stephen Maturin.

matt.evans's picture
matt.evans's picture
matt.evans commented Wednesday, 6 Jan 2021 at 3:40am

Love every piece. Here's to hoping for more in 2021!