Wavepool Proposal Definitely Has Toonalook’s Best Interests At Heart
From Sean St. Hubbins
Business Development Manager for The Utopia Wave Constructions Company
It is with what I believe is termed a great deal of ‘Stoke’ that I stand before you noble citizens to announce that your lives are set to be enriched beyond measure with the development of ToonaTopia – a great big Wave Pool and Eco Residential/Tourism precinct, right here in Toonalook.
Without exception, everyone and everything that’s ever been associated with Toona stands to benefit in extraordinary ways from this project.
From local businesses to the Indigenous custodians of this land; from the smallest fishlet that spawns in the upper reaches of the Toona Estuary to the Brahminy Kites that nest in the under-utilised wetlands we’re committed to enhancing; from the single-parent-family-true-blue-battlers to the child aching to spend a moment in front of an environmental education video in a gift shop before becoming distracted by the inflatable pool-toy-jetski – ToonaTopia is unambiguously a profound win all round for any life form, eco-system, or indeed inanimate object within a hundred, no, a THOUSAND mile radius of Toonalook, vibrant regional city of the future.
What’s truly remarkable (and modesty has always precluded us from saying it out loud, but it must be stated) is the fact that the motivation for this development has absolutely NOTHING to do with our desire – as developers – to profit in any way from this exercise.
We’re purely motivated by altruistic love. Our goal is simply to leave the world better than we found it.
The idea that we’re somehow driven by a desire to gain further wealth for ourselves is, quite frankly, puzzling and abhorrent.
To be clear: when we go on about our “extensive community consultation”; or the notion we’re single-handedly rescuing Toona from pandemic-fuelled economic obliteration like some kindly knight in shining armour; or about how, over the life of this project, we’ll be creating a thousand, no, make that TEN THOUSAND jobs; how this will make Toona a tourism magnet, (one hardly need state the wonderful effects of more humans in the area); and finally how we’re actually making Nature even MORE Natural by sheer alchemy… I want you to always keep in mind – as we earnestly detail these selfless, charitable and philanthropic works – that we never once mention any profit motive or self interest, quite simply because, honestly, nothing could be further from our minds.
It’s just not why we, as Developers, are in this game!
Upsettingly, I have heard murmurs critiquing the system of commerce that makes the good work of the Developer possible. Chinese whispers from the Small Minority contending that “capitalism” somehow facilitates a bias in favour of those with the means to perpetuate and exploit that imbalance for their own ongoing gain.
Friends – and I feel I can call you friends, having been in your warm community embrace for several hours now – I barely know where to begin dismantling this flimsy argument! An argument rendered powerless by the fact that self-interest and the desire to acquire wealth and power at the expense of others has never acquired a foothold in the evolutionary makeup of mankind!
And believe me, I know my stuff when it comes to what makes us tick: indeed, it was as a young, idealistic philosophy student that reading the works of Plato, Marcus Aurelius, and Bertrand Russell set me on the path to this vocation.
To underscore my – and my colleagues’ – selfless love for all, I direct your attention to our ToonaTopia promotional videos: As well as featuring surfers of all abilities and ethnicities, it also notably features a skilled amputee surfer and a pair of mildly impaired children being pushed into gentle rollers.
I ask you, why would we bother with all this development, these bulldozers and concrete trucks if not simply to support these plucky youngsters?
I would say again that in NO WAY are we exploiting these children, or being in any way next-level-evil emotionally manipulative by using footage of disabled kiddies having the time of their lives in the shallow end of the pool to make us appear, what, like some kind of kindly benefactor?
Quite frankly I’m disgusted by the inference here.
I also find it personally hurtful that the same Small Minority of people raise questions about the resources and energy required to create each wave.
Again, I direct the Small Minority to our informative and educational website. Click on the prominent ‘Environment’ tab. Are you not reassured by the green tones we have used in the background? The fact that the residential component is described as an Eco-Village, and the tourist accommodations are Eco-Lodges? How much more evidence does anyone need? Can you not see that we have also sprinkled exotic green buzzwords through our text? Surely our use of terminology-you-need-to-Google demonstrates the depth of our commitment to the planet.
Any developer who uses the term ‘Riparian Wetlands’ surely knows their stuff, no?
And to further underscore these principles, our logo will have a soothing eco/greeny-blue/organic feel. The branding alone will make the giant foil – ceaselessly drawn back and forth the length of the pool like some dystopian Samuel Beckett play – Carbon Positive.
Look, I wasn’t going to mention this, but it’s a little-known fact that the joyful vibrations (experienced every time a ToonaTopia wave is ridden) are released into the atmosphere, where they bond with the ozone layer to form a robust shield that may deter potential alien attack. I’m not saying threat of alien invasion is imminent. Far be it for me to trade in fear. Lord no! (That said, I do believe it’s our global moral imperative to build a network of these anti-bad-vibe-good-vibe-warrior-Earth-saving devices as soon as possible.)
But that’s just me. That’s just how much I care. Sue me.
On an administrative note, I have to announce local surfer Barry Cornell is no longer a Utopia Wave Co ToonaTopia Goodwill Ambassador. Barry was fully on board with the concept from the get-go, and in fact, as the sole interview subject of our extensive community consultation, played a pivotal role in encouraging us to be here. Regrettably, Mr Cornell has undergone a change of heart upon learning that surfers other than himself would be allowed access to the facility.
Hugs to all,
// SEAN ST. HUBBINS
Ding Alley is Illustrator David @maccatoons McArthur and writerer Gra Murdoch who realised Wayne Bartholomew was destined for well-deserved greatness one Thursday “Dollar Night” at Coolangatta’s Patch, circa ‘89, when he approached the ’78 World Champ for help securing one final Bourbon. Bugs emptied his wallet on the counter and they counted out his remaining five cent pieces – no small feat for two men in advanced states of refreshment – until the necessary dollar was reached, at which moment Rab yelled, in a heartfelt but not unfriendly manner, with his eyes closed: “There ya go mate, now FUCK OFF!”