Local caaarrnt’s existence vindicated
TOONALOOK POINT, EAST COAST OZ: Local piece of work and Total Caaarrnt Barry Cornell is tonight celebrating the validation of thirty years of effort and commitment.
The glorious moment finally came mid-morning at the Toonalook Point carpark with the arrival of a Hiace Van bearing interstate numberplates.
Ordinarily, Cornell’s furious demands for the intruder to Fark Orf would be a source of muted embarrassment for other Toona surfers, but today, Cornell’s animated zero-tolerance stance on outsiders was seen in a new light – that of standing up for the vulnerable and slowing the curve.
“I used to think Baz’ relentless low-level thuggery was a result of his barely concealed self-loathing, but all along, it turns out this Total Caaarrnt knew something we didn’t!” says a young admirer.
“For every outsider run out of town, that’s one more ICU bed saved for someone’s grandma.
“I mean, how the fuck Barry was aware of this danger since the early ’90s, how he saw it coming… we’re talking next level Nostradamus shit right here.”
For his part, Cornell tells Ding Alley he’s humbled by the recognition.
“People wrote me off as an Absolute Caaarrnt for years but this just goes to show: follow your dreams, do what makes you happy. And what makes me happy is telling anyone I don’t recognise to Fark Right Orf…
“People used to tell me I lacked perspective on the actual reality of real human suffering, and so – if I had even half an inkling – I’d be that fucken grateful for having the astonishing fortune of health, energy and time to set foot in the ocean, I’d be giving waves away to anyone and everyone, such would be the joyous emancipation from my ego-based self-constructed prison of resentment.
“Now the very same crew who sprayed me with that lefty bullshit are home with the kids making signs urging outtatowners to stay away.
“They’re doing it as a home-schooling family art project! They’re using glitter and everything!
“I’m not one to get emotional but it’s enough to make this Total Caaarrnt’s heart burst with pride.”
When it was put to Cornell that while it was absolutely prudent to put the brakes on unnecessary travel – and decent people had every right to actively minimise needless exposure from frivolous and entitled visitors – it wouldn’t be the first time a Total Caaarrnt had wrapped his or her self in the opportunistic cloak of morality and faux outrage, our hero narrowed his eyes and asked your correspondent, “how long you been living here again fella?”
// DING ALLEY
Ding Alley is two old mates from Footscray TAFE: cartoonist David McArthur is currently fingerpainting in his Melbourne loft and is not to be disturbed; North Coast-based writer Murdoch has given up, and is probably eating.