Jokes

puff-n-fluff_2's picture
puff-n-fluff_2 started the topic in Wednesday, 2 Mar 2011 at 8:35pm

They say 1 in 5 people are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family. It could be my mum or dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Chan-Chi Ying. But I reckon it's Colin.

udo's picture
udo's picture
udo commented Tuesday, 18 Aug 2015 at 8:02pm

Took my new girlfriend out for a few drinks....she started talking about sex and said that after a orgasm she likes to just lay there and cuddle......

I told her I normally just delete the search history and put the tissues in the bin.

Shatner'sBassoon's picture
Shatner'sBassoon's picture
Shatner'sBassoon commented Friday, 21 Aug 2015 at 10:57am

how do you drown the hipster?

throw 'em in the mainstream.

udo's picture
udo's picture
udo commented Friday, 16 Oct 2015 at 6:29pm

Oscar Pistorius has been released from prison and is under house arrest at his uncle's property

There has been a slight delay while they fit cattle grids at the entrance gates.

mikehunt207's picture
mikehunt207's picture
mikehunt207 commented Saturday, 17 Oct 2015 at 1:13am

A guy dies and arrives in hell, satan greets him and tells him that he has lots of options to choose from in how he will be spending eternity. He opens a door and there is a guy being poked over and over with hot pokers, screaming and crying, "fuck no thank"s he says so satan opens another door and there is a another bloke getting his skin peeled off by some devils, again screaming and crying in agony," nah don,t like that either" he says to the devil, so satan opens another door, this time there is a old guy shackled to the wall, the most beautiful naked blonde he has ever seen is going for broke , sucking off the old guy on the wall, this time the man is moaning and groaning ,having the time of his life by the look of things, bloke says "shit yeah this looks like my choice for sure, what a great way to spend eternity", satan walks in, taps the blonde on the shoulder and tells her "you can go now your times up"...

wally's picture
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wally commented Saturday, 17 Oct 2015 at 1:35am

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting to attend and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven Paddy said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday and give up the drink forever!"

Suddenly, the clouds parted and a beam of light shone down to reveal an empty parking space.

Paddy looked up to the sky in joy and said, "Never mind Lord, I found one."

Sickaz's picture
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Sickaz commented Saturday, 17 Oct 2015 at 10:24am

An Irishman and a Muslim are sat next to each other on a plane. A steward passes them and offers them an alcoholic drink.

"Great I'll have a beer please" says the Irishman.

The steward then turn s to the Muslim man and he says "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whore's than let alcohol pass my lips"

The Irishman thinks about it for a second and says "I didn't realize that was an option, forget the beer, I'll have what he's having"

stunet's picture
stunet's picture
stunet commented Saturday, 17 Oct 2015 at 8:24pm

Not a joke as such but pretty funny, in an absurd Viz Comics kinda style.

'Ken M' is the world's best troll.

 

Blowin's picture
Blowin's picture
Blowin commented Saturday, 17 Oct 2015 at 9:02pm

So weird....

I was only thinking about Viz yesterday, for the first time in at least a decade.

hilarious.

wellymon's picture
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wellymon commented Saturday, 17 Oct 2015 at 9:06pm

Thats funny shit Stu, geez you read a many ha!
Gold suff, what happened to Shawnio?

Our brains are too small at the moment to comprehend the reality of what's happening in our forests . We're only just waking up so to speak . The big problem is we think we know everything, we are specks of dust on a timeline and we know nothing .

mikehunt207's picture
mikehunt207's picture
mikehunt207 commented Saturday, 17 Oct 2015 at 10:35pm

Send ken a link Stu

zenagain's picture
zenagain's picture
zenagain commented Sunday, 18 Oct 2015 at 12:20am

Welly, I think you'd enjoy this guy too.

Expat Aussie living in the US, would give Ken M a run in the troll stakes.

http://www.27bslash6.com/missy.html

Check out the articles on the left, I think you'd like the 'Free Burton Snowboard' one among others.

1173

wellymon's picture
wellymon's picture
wellymon commented Sunday, 18 Oct 2015 at 10:58am

.

Our brains are too small at the moment to comprehend the reality of what's happening in our forests . We're only just waking up so to speak . The big problem is we think we know everything, we are specks of dust on a timeline and we know nothing .

wellymon's picture
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wellymon commented Sunday, 18 Oct 2015 at 10:57am

That's so funny Zenagain.

Saved that link for some light hearted reading later on;)

"Trolls"?
Why aren't they called "Stirrers".

Our brains are too small at the moment to comprehend the reality of what's happening in our forests . We're only just waking up so to speak . The big problem is we think we know everything, we are specks of dust on a timeline and we know nothing .

ACB__'s picture
ACB__'s picture
ACB__ commented Monday, 19 Oct 2015 at 4:18pm

Holy Shit Zen. They're absolutely hilarious. I've been at my desk for the last 2 hours trying not to get caught in hysterics.

zenagain's picture
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zenagain commented Monday, 19 Oct 2015 at 5:47pm

I know Ace, he's a right royal shit stirrer for sure:)

1173

stunet's picture
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stunet commented Monday, 19 Oct 2015 at 5:55pm

Jeez Zen, been a while since I've read David Thorne. Forgot how funny he is.

"I assumed Ollie is short for Oliver just as Anton is short for a normal sized human."

zenagain's picture
zenagain's picture
zenagain commented Monday, 19 Oct 2015 at 6:14pm

Among other gems Stu. If satire was a sport he'd be at least through to the quarters.

Oh to have a brain like that.

The NRA one and permission slip are personal favourites but had to kick it off with 'Missing Missy':)

1173

udo's picture
udo's picture
udo commented Monday, 19 Oct 2015 at 6:34pm

Zen, Utube -Steve Hughes talks about gays
Live at the Apollo.

yorkessurfer's picture
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yorkessurfer commented Monday, 19 Oct 2015 at 8:29pm

Q: How did the mathematician with constipation solve his problem?
A: He worked it out with a pencil.

udo's picture
udo's picture
udo commented Wednesday, 20 Jul 2016 at 9:27am

YouTube -
Prankster left in hysterics as his dizzy girlfriend explains why she wants her pizza sliced only 8 ways and not 12.

fitzroy-21's picture
fitzroy-21's picture
fitzroy-21 commented Wednesday, 20 Jul 2016 at 10:42am

Udo, that same chick is also in a vid that went viral about her explaining her vote in the brexit. Hilarious.

udo's picture
udo's picture
udo commented Thursday, 15 Dec 2016 at 9:42am

You know your way to drunk to drive when that tree you just swerved to miss

is actually your air freshener.

zenagain's picture
zenagain's picture
zenagain commented Thursday, 15 Dec 2016 at 10:12am

You know you're way too drunk when they find traces of blood in your alcohol.

1173

talkingturkey's picture
talkingturkey's picture
talkingturkey commented Tuesday, 17 Jan 2017 at 11:43am

Keef's favourite stoned joke:

Knock knock
Who's there?
Woo
Woo who?
"Pleased to meet you, hope you guess my name"

udo's picture
udo's picture
udo commented Sunday, 4 Jun 2017 at 11:54am

Heres a funny story from Sunday Register - Nude sunbather on Singapore beach injured after crab mistakes her vagina for an oyster.
Probably the action her friends took could see you doing jail time in Singapore .

simba's picture
simba's picture
simba commented Sunday, 4 Jun 2017 at 2:05pm

Yes and funny it is udo,how do you find this stuff ?Love the way her 'friends ' helped her......

http://www.sundayregister.com/nude-sunbather-singapore-beach-injured-cra...

simba

Shatner'sBassoon's picture
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Shatner'sBassoon commented Friday, 1 Sep 2017 at 10:30pm

What did the chicken say to the goat that was about to cross the road?

Don't do it, mate! You'll never hear the end of it!

Purplepills's picture
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Purplepills commented Tuesday, 19 Sep 2017 at 6:51pm

Probably heard or seen it on social media but anyway if you haven't...

What do the secret service yell when there is an attempt on the president of the USA life?
Donald - DUCK.

Blowin's picture
Blowin's picture
Blowin commented Tuesday, 19 Sep 2017 at 11:03pm

How do you get a nun pregnant ?

Dress her up as an alter boy.

Purplepills's picture
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Purplepills commented Wednesday, 20 Sep 2017 at 10:46am

Hear about the kidnapping at the school?

He just woke up.

udo's picture
udo's picture
udo commented Friday, 29 Sep 2017 at 6:38pm

I just started a new business in India
The call centre will be based in Scotland
See how you like that you fuckers.

udo's picture
udo's picture
udo commented Saturday, 31 Mar 2018 at 12:29pm

I have always said that David and Candice Warner are just perfect for each other
right down to the little details...
Now they have both been caught in Public Ball Tampering Scandals.

garyg1412's picture
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garyg1412 commented Wednesday, 1 Aug 2018 at 11:43am

Now Deleted !!!!

blindboy's picture
blindboy's picture
blindboy commented Tuesday, 31 Jul 2018 at 9:43am

That's not a joke, it's a tasteless racist, sexist insult. If your friends laugh at that kind of stuff, take my advice, find some new ones.

AndyM's picture
AndyM's picture
AndyM commented Tuesday, 31 Jul 2018 at 5:20pm

Tasteless, yes.
Offensive due to sexism and misogyny, yes.

But racist?

"Racism is the belief in the superiority of one race over another, which often results in discrimination and prejudice towards people based on their race or ethnicity."

Careful BB, else words become meaningless.

zenagain's picture
zenagain's picture
zenagain commented Tuesday, 31 Jul 2018 at 5:55pm

Math question:-

If my guard dog has three testicles and you take away two- how many fingers do you have left?

1173

blindboy's picture
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blindboy commented Tuesday, 31 Jul 2018 at 6:26pm

Andy, tell that joke to a Croatian, then tell me it's not racist.

AndyM's picture
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AndyM commented Tuesday, 31 Jul 2018 at 7:22pm

How, using the commonly accepted definition of racism, is it racist?

Highly offensive to a Croation, yes, especially seeing as it's a play on words of the name of a war criminal.

blindboy's picture
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blindboy commented Tuesday, 31 Jul 2018 at 7:43pm

Well Andy definitions of racism vary but definitions of pedantry are much more consistent.

AndyM's picture
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AndyM commented Tuesday, 31 Jul 2018 at 7:49pm

Unfortunately BB, you are the definition of the regressive left.

AndyM's picture
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AndyM commented Tuesday, 31 Jul 2018 at 7:53pm

It's funny because I have similar conversations with other members of the regressive left.

"Where's your proof about chemtrails" I ask, "where's you evidence that the sun doesn't cause cancer?

They generally twitch and shuffle and end up calling me pedantic or some such.

blindboy's picture
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blindboy commented Tuesday, 31 Jul 2018 at 7:53pm

Happy to wear that Andy. Let's regress to a more equitable distribution of wealth, free tertiary education, unions that can defend their members from exploitation, a diverse media, humane treatment of asylum seekers etc etc.

AndyM's picture
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AndyM commented Tuesday, 31 Jul 2018 at 7:56pm

Nah that's the traditional left, not the current schism which chooses to abandon facts and logic to suit their hyperbole.

Damn it, there goes my pedantry again ;)

blindboy's picture
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blindboy commented Tuesday, 31 Jul 2018 at 7:59pm

So accepting one of the broader definitions of racism puts me in with the chemtrails conspirators? Ha ha pass me that tin foil hat Andy, sign me up for an alien abduction and don't mention the moon landings,

AndyM's picture
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AndyM commented Tuesday, 31 Jul 2018 at 8:14pm

What broader definition of racism?

A made up one?

CryptoKnight's picture
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CryptoKnight commented Tuesday, 31 Jul 2018 at 8:20pm

'There are no universally accepted definitions of racism, racial discrimination, xenophobia and related intolerance. The definitions provided here draw on current international debates and legal interpretations.

Racism exists in many different forms. Generally, racism is a set of beliefs, often complex, that asserts the natural superiority of one group over another, and which is often used to justify differential treatment and social positions. This may occur at the individual level, but often occurs at a broader systemic or institutional level.

The international definition of racial discrimination is contained in Article 1 of the International Convention on the Elimination of All Forms of Racial Discrimination (ICERD). It states that 'the term 'racial discrimination' shall mean any distinction, exclusion, restriction or preference based on race, colour, or national or ethnic origin which has the purpose or effect of nullifying or impairing the recognition, enjoyment or exercise, on an equal footing, of human rights and fundamental freedoms in the political, economic, social, cultural or any other field of public life'.'

https://www.humanrights.gov.au/hreoc-website-racial-discrimination-natio...

The comment is racist. It is a distinction aimed at denigration of a particular ethnic group.

AndyM's picture
AndyM's picture
AndyM commented Tuesday, 31 Jul 2018 at 8:33pm

" It is a distinction aimed at denigration of a particular ethnic group."

Bullshit.

"Generally, racism is a set of beliefs, often complex, that asserts the natural superiority of one group over another"

The 'joke' did nothing of the sort.
That grubby little play on words didn't touch any of the Australian Human Rights Commission's definitions.

Anyhoo, you fellas feel free to keep making new meanings for words so that they suit your ideological agenda.

AndyM's picture
AndyM's picture
AndyM commented Tuesday, 31 Jul 2018 at 8:29pm

Oh the irony, as I post a link to The Guardian!

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/apr/26/conservatives-love...

Sounds familiar doesn't it, "to be pilloried by the left for something he said that was certainly insensitive, but hardly worth the vehemence of the reaction."

CryptoKnight's picture
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CryptoKnight commented Tuesday, 31 Jul 2018 at 8:36pm

You said:

'Highly offensive to a Croation, yes, especially seeing as it's a play on words of the name of a war criminal.'

The international definition of racial discrimination is contained in Article 1 of the 'International Convention on the Elimination of All Forms of Racial Discrimination (ICERD). It states that 'the term 'racial discrimination' shall mean any distinction, exclusion, restriction or preference based on race, colour, or national or ethnic origin which has the purpose or effect of nullifying or impairing the recognition, enjoyment or exercise, on an equal footing, of human rights and fundamental freedoms in the political, economic, social, cultural or any other field of public life'.'

'racial discrimination' shall mean any distinction,'

'based on race, colour, or national or ethnic origin'

'which has the purpose or effect of nullifying or impairing the recognition, enjoyment or exercise, on an equal footing, of human rights and fundamental freedoms in the political, economic, social, cultural or any other field of public life'.''

https://www.humanrights.gov.au/hreoc-website-racial-discrimination-natio...

'They generally twitch and shuffle and end up calling me pedantic or some such.'

Stop twitching again!!!

But if you feel the need, champion the racist comment. Again.

AndyM's picture
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AndyM commented Tuesday, 31 Jul 2018 at 8:43pm

Poor taste but how does it have "the purpose or effect of nullifying or impairing the recognition, enjoyment or exercise, on an equal footing, of human rights and fundamental freedoms in the political, economic, social, cultural or any other field of public life'.'

Twitch.