Jokes

puff-n-fluff_2's picture
puff-n-fluff_2 started the topic in Wednesday, 2 Mar 2011 at 8:35pm

They say 1 in 5 people are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family. It could be my mum or dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Chan-Chi Ying. But I reckon it's Colin.

davetherave's picture
davetherave's picture
davetherave commented Saturday, 30 Nov 2019 at 7:21pm

Yeshua Ben Joseph the man they call Jesus was sitting in the Vatican talking to the pope the ancestor off Peter that said he had never meet Jesus and had no idea about who they could be talking about. The pope said, " so you don't know this bloke who could turn water into wine" ? Peter said, " no mate, it's a bullshit story". The pope replied, " well that's too fun bad, because I I thought I could you could be off use to me"
Peter smiled aND said, " ah, but I can, if the pope can think I'm useful, what do you reckon all these other fuc king idiots will think off me"
And so we worship st Peter, a bloke that denied know owing our best mate three times and we wonder why I life is going to sit.
Remember, love your life with all your heart and be kind to all other aspects off that life regardless off how fuel up it seems,
.

davetherave

davetherave's picture
davetherave's picture
davetherave commented Saturday, 30 Nov 2019 at 7:27pm

Thank god for this editing thing cause it rarely let's me post what I truly desire to post. So apologies as it edits my posts but I stand by my mantra, yes Dickhead abounds, but be kind, be kind for you, for your family and for all. But yes, it is not what comes into your energy sphere, but what you transmit that really matters. Embrace, process, rise above, be true to you and your family and ancestors. Be kindness.

davetherave

indo-dreaming's picture
indo-dreaming's picture
indo-dreaming commented Saturday, 30 Nov 2019 at 8:00pm

@Zen

This will probably offend BB, the new South park YouTube vid

I think the comment beneath the video summed t up "This isn't even a parody, it's real life at this point."

Please Stunet give me an ignore button for Talking Turkey, Shatners Basoon, Dale Cooper, Factotum, Pupkin, and any new fake profile he decides to create.

zenagain's picture
zenagain's picture
zenagain commented Saturday, 30 Nov 2019 at 9:47pm

Ha ha! "Luck is for dudes".

Find Ricky Gervais and Caitlyn Jenner, that's funny too.

1173

factotum's picture
factotum's picture
factotum commented Sunday, 1 Dec 2019 at 11:08am

factotum's picture
factotum's picture
factotum commented Sunday, 1 Dec 2019 at 11:13am

Climate change debate on here? Any mass debate on here?!

https://youtu.be/lUTZmSyDErg

GuySmiley's picture
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GuySmiley commented Sunday, 1 Dec 2019 at 2:43pm

Mrs Bell used to do my high school’s recess announcements. The school had many debating teams. At school photo time she notoriously announced there would be a mass debating team photo on the front steps at morning recess. She never quite lived that down!

So yes facto there many are debating candidates here .... one or two wilfully so!

Patrick's picture
Patrick's picture
Patrick commented Sunday, 1 Dec 2019 at 12:43pm

For those who like to feel offended on behalf of others...

https://youtu.be/TfdospKUn5c

factotum's picture
factotum's picture
factotum commented Sunday, 1 Dec 2019 at 1:48pm

Ex-senator David Leyonhjelm on Wicked campervans:

"You need to be a particularly wowserish type of person to not find them funny."

https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/video/2016/jun/30/the-chaser-...

GuySmiley's picture
GuySmiley's picture
GuySmiley commented Sunday, 1 Dec 2019 at 2:24pm

Zen, that joke about the Papuan village chief's rain dance, it really goes work, I tried it this morning and down dropped 2 inches!

zenagain's picture
zenagain's picture
zenagain commented Sunday, 1 Dec 2019 at 2:27pm

Ah Guy, the white mans curse.

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GuySmiley's picture
GuySmiley's picture
GuySmiley commented Sunday, 1 Dec 2019 at 2:45pm

Zen, It’s the start of a very dry summer here so we have to be grateful for anything we can get but in the northern hemisphere winter has to be brass monkeys

zenagain's picture
zenagain's picture
zenagain commented Sunday, 1 Dec 2019 at 2:52pm

It's colder than David Leyonhjelm's reaction to the Chaser here atm Guy.

Hope it is true about the rain, everyone I chat to back home say it's dryer than a nuns nasty. We've been drowning in rain here last few months. One thing Japan isn't short of. Wish i could send some your way.

1173

GuySmiley's picture
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GuySmiley commented Sunday, 1 Dec 2019 at 2:58pm

A nun's nasty, now that goes back to a time also of dead dingo dongers!

Westofthelake's picture
Westofthelake's picture
Westofthelake commented Sunday, 1 Dec 2019 at 4:28pm

What's the difference between rain and a wang?

Nothing.

Every inch counts.

(Just made that one up)

GuySmiley's picture
GuySmiley's picture
GuySmiley commented Sunday, 1 Dec 2019 at 4:59pm

Good one westy .....

A bloke walks into a chiropodist and puts his old fella on the receptionist’s desk. Sir, that is not a foot she says to which he replies yes I know but let’s not quibble over a couple of inches.

Boom boom

A bloke walks into a watch makers shop and puts his old fella on the counter. Sir, that is not a watch says the attractive sales assistant to which the bloke says yeah I know but you could put a face and a couple of hands on it!

Boom boom ..... apologies, these are going back year 7 or 8!!

Westofthelake's picture
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Westofthelake commented Sunday, 1 Dec 2019 at 6:01pm

Hahaha. I think the 2nd one sounds like a Rodney Rude joke.

A final one on the current theme,

What's the difference between your dick and a joke?

Nobody laughs at your jokes.

P'tai's picture
P'tai's picture
P'tai commented Sunday, 1 Dec 2019 at 9:01pm

Boom Tish, great reply

Pupkin's picture
Pupkin's picture
Pupkin commented Tuesday, 11 Feb 2020 at 5:52pm

Just been for a job interview.

Interviewer asked me if I could perform under pressure.

I said, yes of course I can. And I also do an excellent version of Bohemian Rhapsody too.

AndyM's picture
AndyM's picture
AndyM commented Tuesday, 11 Feb 2020 at 9:45pm

Joke’s average, the photo makes up for it.
Fucker must have liked to work out.

megzee's picture
megzee's picture
megzee commented Saturday, 22 Feb 2020 at 8:55pm

Teacher: Ok Sarah, What's your sentence with the word 'Contagious' in it?
Sarah: Our neighbours painting his house with a 2 inch brush and my dad said it will take the "Contagious"

lostdoggy's picture
lostdoggy's picture
lostdoggy commented Sunday, 23 Feb 2020 at 8:17am

Is the Sarah's dad English or Irish?

udo's picture
udo's picture
udo commented Monday, 24 Feb 2020 at 8:57pm

Son : Why is my sister called Teresa ?
Dad : Because your mum loves Easter - its an anagram
Son : Thanks Dad
Dad : No problem Alan

troppo dichotomy's picture
troppo dichotomy's picture
troppo dichotomy commented Thursday, 5 Mar 2020 at 2:38pm

How do you recycle toilet paper?
Hang it on the fence and beat the crap out of it!

Craig's picture
Craig's picture
Craig commented Thursday, 5 Mar 2020 at 5:21pm

Ha!

Jono's picture
Jono's picture
Jono commented Thursday, 5 Mar 2020 at 8:42pm

A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

stunet's picture
stunet's picture
stunet commented Thursday, 5 Mar 2020 at 8:52pm

Funnier is that I had to read it three times till I got the joke.

zenagain's picture
zenagain's picture
zenagain commented Thursday, 5 Mar 2020 at 11:54pm

That reminds me about the one about the bloke that got run over by a Piecost.

1173

Optimist's picture
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Optimist commented Friday, 6 Mar 2020 at 8:15am

I knew it wasn't big, but I went to the Coffs harbour zoo some years ago and all they had was one dog..
Really???
Yeh Shih tzu

garyg1412's picture
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garyg1412 commented Friday, 6 Mar 2020 at 8:34am

Secretary: Sir, may I use your dictaphone
Boss: No, use you finger like everyone else.

Optimist's picture
Optimist's picture
Optimist commented Friday, 6 Mar 2020 at 11:52am

Angus McStinge was a tight but decent man.
Usually always did the right thing but..
He would pray everyday to the good Lord above this prayer...
Oh Lord please help...Ive all these bills, the kids are expensive the wife wants
new clothes, the cars needs fixing ..Lord I wanna win the Lotto.
Every day the same...Lord help me Ive not enough money I need this and that I wanna win the Lotto....
This went on day in and day out for months ...I wanna win the lotto please help me..
When...all of a sudden...in his booming voice.. the Lord finally spoke...and said..
Angus....I have heard your prayer and will meet you half way...
Buy a ticket....

zenagain's picture
zenagain's picture
zenagain commented Friday, 6 Mar 2020 at 12:08pm

ha ha!
nice.

1173

Pupkin's picture
Pupkin's picture
Pupkin commented Saturday, 7 Mar 2020 at 9:47am

Eugene Green's picture
Eugene Green's picture
Eugene Green commented Sunday, 8 Mar 2020 at 8:20am

Ha! Finally something worthwhile from you Blumkin!
Cheers for that..

Pupkin's picture
Pupkin's picture
Pupkin commented Sunday, 8 Mar 2020 at 11:52am

OK Eugene.

Too rye aye.

Rabbits68's picture
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Rabbits68 commented Monday, 30 Mar 2020 at 7:50pm

A plane with 5 passengers on board -- Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Jacinda Adern, the Pope and a 10-year-old schoolgirl -- is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes. Trump says "I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and I'm needed to solve the pandemic!" He takes one parachute and jumps. Johnson says ‘I’m needed to sort out the COVID-19 mess in Britain’. He takes one and jumps. The Pope says, "The world's Catholics depend on me for comfort in a time of fear." He takes one and jumps. "You can have the last parachute," Jacinda says to the 10-year-old. "I've lived a good part of my life. Yours is only just starting." The little girl replies: "Don’t worry, there are 2 parachutes left, the smartest man in the USA just took my school bag."

Crystal Clear

zenagain's picture
zenagain's picture
zenagain commented Monday, 30 Mar 2020 at 9:18pm

Onya Rabs, styled to fit in with the current state of affairs but still funny nonetheless.

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Rabbits68's picture
Rabbits68's picture
Rabbits68 commented Monday, 30 Mar 2020 at 9:43pm

Yeah it sounded familiar but I too still had a laugh :-)

Crystal Clear

Patrick's picture
Patrick's picture
Patrick commented Saturday, 9 May 2020 at 10:40pm

Girlfriend's teenage daughter didn't know what a fish n chip shop was. Poor kid :(
https://youtu.be/SVgzuE7293Q