Jokes
Yeshua Ben Joseph the man they call Jesus was sitting in the Vatican talking to the pope the ancestor off Peter that said he had never meet Jesus and had no idea about who they could be talking about. The pope said, " so you don't know this bloke who could turn water into wine" ? Peter said, " no mate, it's a bullshit story". The pope replied, " well that's too fun bad, because I I thought I could you could be off use to me"
Peter smiled aND said, " ah, but I can, if the pope can think I'm useful, what do you reckon all these other fuc king idiots will think off me"
And so we worship st Peter, a bloke that denied know owing our best mate three times and we wonder why I life is going to sit.
Remember, love your life with all your heart and be kind to all other aspects off that life regardless off how fuel up it seems,
.
Thank god for this editing thing cause it rarely let's me post what I truly desire to post. So apologies as it edits my posts but I stand by my mantra, yes Dickhead abounds, but be kind, be kind for you, for your family and for all. But yes, it is not what comes into your energy sphere, but what you transmit that really matters. Embrace, process, rise above, be true to you and your family and ancestors. Be kindness.
@Zen
This will probably offend BB, the new South park YouTube vid
I think the comment beneath the video summed t up "This isn't even a parody, it's real life at this point."
Ha ha! "Luck is for dudes".
Find Ricky Gervais and Caitlyn Jenner, that's funny too.
Climate change debate on here? Any mass debate on here?!
Mrs Bell used to do my high school’s recess announcements. The school had many debating teams. At school photo time she notoriously announced there would be a mass debating team photo on the front steps at morning recess. She never quite lived that down!
So yes facto there many are debating candidates here .... one or two wilfully so!
For those who like to feel offended on behalf of others...
Ex-senator David Leyonhjelm on Wicked campervans:
"You need to be a particularly wowserish type of person to not find them funny."
https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/video/2016/jun/30/the-chaser-...
Zen, that joke about the Papuan village chief's rain dance, it really goes work, I tried it this morning and down dropped 2 inches!
Ah Guy, the white mans curse.
Zen, It’s the start of a very dry summer here so we have to be grateful for anything we can get but in the northern hemisphere winter has to be brass monkeys
It's colder than David Leyonhjelm's reaction to the Chaser here atm Guy.
Hope it is true about the rain, everyone I chat to back home say it's dryer than a nuns nasty. We've been drowning in rain here last few months. One thing Japan isn't short of. Wish i could send some your way.
A nun's nasty, now that goes back to a time also of dead dingo dongers!
What's the difference between rain and a wang?
Nothing.
Every inch counts.
(Just made that one up)
Good one westy .....
A bloke walks into a chiropodist and puts his old fella on the receptionist’s desk. Sir, that is not a foot she says to which he replies yes I know but let’s not quibble over a couple of inches.
Boom boom
A bloke walks into a watch makers shop and puts his old fella on the counter. Sir, that is not a watch says the attractive sales assistant to which the bloke says yeah I know but you could put a face and a couple of hands on it!
Boom boom ..... apologies, these are going back year 7 or 8!!
Hahaha. I think the 2nd one sounds like a Rodney Rude joke.
A final one on the current theme,
What's the difference between your dick and a joke?
Nobody laughs at your jokes.
Boom Tish, great reply
Just been for a job interview.
Interviewer asked me if I could perform under pressure.
I said, yes of course I can. And I also do an excellent version of Bohemian Rhapsody too.
Joke’s average, the photo makes up for it.
Fucker must have liked to work out.
Teacher: Ok Sarah, What's your sentence with the word 'Contagious' in it?
Sarah: Our neighbours painting his house with a 2 inch brush and my dad said it will take the "Contagious"
Is the Sarah's dad English or Irish?
Son : Why is my sister called Teresa ?
Dad : Because your mum loves Easter - its an anagram
Son : Thanks Dad
Dad : No problem Alan
How do you recycle toilet paper?
Hang it on the fence and beat the crap out of it!
Ha!
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Funnier is that I had to read it three times till I got the joke.
That reminds me about the one about the bloke that got run over by a Piecost.
I knew it wasn't big, but I went to the Coffs harbour zoo some years ago and all they had was one dog..
Really???
Yeh Shih tzu
Secretary: Sir, may I use your dictaphone
Boss: No, use you finger like everyone else.
Angus McStinge was a tight but decent man.
Usually always did the right thing but..
He would pray everyday to the good Lord above this prayer...
Oh Lord please help...Ive all these bills, the kids are expensive the wife wants
new clothes, the cars needs fixing ..Lord I wanna win the Lotto.
Every day the same...Lord help me Ive not enough money I need this and that I wanna win the Lotto....
This went on day in and day out for months ...I wanna win the lotto please help me..
When...all of a sudden...in his booming voice.. the Lord finally spoke...and said..
Angus....I have heard your prayer and will meet you half way...
Buy a ticket....
ha ha!
nice.
Ha! Finally something worthwhile from you Blumkin!
Cheers for that..
OK Eugene.
Too rye aye.
A plane with 5 passengers on board -- Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Jacinda Adern, the Pope and a 10-year-old schoolgirl -- is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes. Trump says "I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and I'm needed to solve the pandemic!" He takes one parachute and jumps. Johnson says ‘I’m needed to sort out the COVID-19 mess in Britain’. He takes one and jumps. The Pope says, "The world's Catholics depend on me for comfort in a time of fear." He takes one and jumps. "You can have the last parachute," Jacinda says to the 10-year-old. "I've lived a good part of my life. Yours is only just starting." The little girl replies: "Don’t worry, there are 2 parachutes left, the smartest man in the USA just took my school bag."
Onya Rabs, styled to fit in with the current state of affairs but still funny nonetheless.
Yeah it sounded familiar but I too still had a laugh :-)
Girlfriend's teenage daughter didn't know what a fish n chip shop was. Poor kid :(
Heard a couple of good Donald Trump jokes today.....
Donald Trump goes on a diplomatic visit to Israel. While on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a sudden heart attack and dies. The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him:
‘‘You can have him shipped home for $500,000, or he can be laid to rest here, in the Holy Land, for just $100.’’
The American diplomats go into a corner for a few minutes. They tell the undertaker they want Trump shipped home. The undertaker is puzzled.
‘‘Why would you spend $500,000 to ship him home, when we would be honoured to bury him here and you would spend only $100?’’
A diplomat replies:
‘‘Long ago, a man died here, was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can’t take the risk.’’
Second joke........
Trump was in Orlando and visited a primary school’s fourth grade class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr. Trump if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So the Republican asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy’.
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy.”
"No," said Trurmp , "that would be an accident.”
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy.”
"That's what we would call great loss.” explained Trump .
The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Trump searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath.
In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.”
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Trump , "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”
"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss ... and you can bet your sweet arse it wouldn't be an accident either!”
Why’s a camel called the “ ship of the desert “ ?
Because they’re often filled with Arabian semen.
I just pulled a muscle in my back from laughing so hard! Be careful, blowin; you’ll get accused of being racist.
Oldie but a goodie Blowin, remove often
A new sport has developed in recent times ,,
Xtreme Coronavirus Tag,,
An oldie but a mouldie. Still relevant, but.
"A backpacker is traveling through Australia when it starts to piss down. He decides to wait out the thunderstorm in a nearby Bowlo. The only other person at the bar is an older fat balding bloke staring at his drink. After a few moments of silence the man turns to the backpacker and says in a thick Aussie Strine accent:
"You see this bar, mate? I built this bar with my own bare working class hands. I cut down every tree and made the lumber myself. I worked away through the wind and cold, the blazing sun and the flies, but do they call me Blowindo the bar builder? No."
He had a gulp, then continued "Do you see that stone wall out there? I built that wall with my own working class bare hands. I found every stone and placed them just right through the rain and the mud, the heat and the dust, but do they call me Blowindo the wall builder? No."
"Do ya see that jetty out there on the bay? I built that jetty with my own bare working class hands, driving each piling deep into the sea-bed so that it would last a lifetime. Do they call me Blowindo the jetty builder? No."
"But ya fuck one goat..."
A kiwi ventriloquist is holidaying in Australia.
One day he decided to have some fun while staying at Indo’s farm .......
A Collingwood mother goes to town to register for CentreLink.
"How many children?" asks the assessor.
"10," replies the Collingwood mother.
"10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne."
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Nah," says the Collingwood mother. "Its great, because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout, 'WAYNE, YA DINNER'S READY' or 'WAYNE, GO TO BED NOW' and they all do it."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed CentreLink worker.
"That's easy," says the Collingwood mother, "I just use their surnames."
Two blokes who work at a gym are driving a 6 metre high truck when they come to an underpass with a sign in front saying “ Maximum height 4 metres . Fine of $500 “
One gym bloke looks all around them , elbows his mate and says “ Fuck it . I can’t see any coppers around here just go ! “
Not a joke but worthy of a laugh.
Totally out of order.......
They say 1 in 5 people are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family. It could be my mum or dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Chan-Chi Ying. But I reckon it's Colin.