Bound By A Thread
Editor's Note:
The following article was sent to me earlier this week. I deliberated over whether to publish it or not, my hesitation caused by a sense of editorial probity: would the initial commenter have wanted to see their story continued this way?
Obviously I've chosen to run it, in part swayed by the reader's anonymity, but also the sincere motivations of the author, Matt Shanahan.
Matt runs a project called Disconnection Reconnection, organising programs that help people find space and reconnect with nature. There's more to it, and if you're interested you can click here to find out.
This article appeared on his website under the title, 'The Death Of A Son'.
I think it was the matter-of-factness in the way he mentioned it that struck me.
Maybe it was the fact that it was simply thrown out there in the comments section of an article in a surfing forum. But then again it could have been the gut-searing sadness I felt as I imagined what he had been through.
When someone shares a story about the parent's greatest fear - outliving their child - to a group of strangers on the internet, it sends this wave of unrest right through you. It's almost too intimate for the context. A naked and bared soul, sitting amongst comments about the last surf they had with their kids, or how despite over-zealous encouragement their kids had not followed in their dad's footsteps and had taken up mountain biking instead.
The lead article was a beautifully written piece about a surfing father, paddling out on a big day, watching their young son go through the anguish and fear of whether they should follow him. The article was an evocative description of the pacing, nervous son standing on the beach - the dad out the back behind the waves not sure if their son would make it but knowing that the decision and the struggle was theirs and theirs alone.
You can't force your child to paddle through large waves and join you. You can't paddle for them. You can't even actually help them - it's physically impossible to push your child through large breaking waves. It's not like riding a bike on stable ground where you can support them then let go at the right moment.
Ultimately, surfing is a solo venture. You can be with friends but they can't actually help you in any meaningful way - you have to go it alone.
The story wrapped up with a tear-jerking description of the dad seeing their young son scramble over the last wave and paddle up to him wide-eyed and buzzing with adrenaline, fear, and pride.
The comments section over-flowed. It was an anonymous forum for surfers - but by the comments, tone and in-jokes you can tell that some know of each other and that 98% of the comments are male and aged between 25 and 60.
There were lots of wistful comments from older dads about kids who failed to take up surfing. There were some young dads asking urgent questions about how young is too early to start pushing their kids into waves. Thre was the occasional mention about surfing with their kids still after many years.
Then the one comment came.
It started easy, talking about the joy of surfing with your children before my heart broke open. This father explained that just a while ago, after several years - I assumed of his son struggling with mental health issues - he finally agreed to come surfing again. He described the joy of friends, the sun, the waves, the connection - and how that very same day, after being out in the water together his son decided to take his own life.
It was like the world just paused and took a deep, long-held breath and then gasped for air.
Then comments flooded in.
The few simple words of "so sorry", the shock of loss, the unknowing, the sadness. There was a virtual room of men putting their arms around this anonymous father and sharing the pain.
There but for the grace of God go I...
I wondered deep about this man's path. Where does he share this pain? How does he make sense of it? Who does he talk to? What do his mates say?
I imagined some small coastal town, the Friday beers, the mates sitting around not knowing what to say, the wife at home in her own unknowable grief, the disconnection, the searing knife wound that rips through his chest when he sees his son's room, his wetsuit, his unused surfboard, the bike, the favourite coffee cup.
I can tell myself it is just life and that this happens - but it still doesn't stop the fear and the uncertainty of the randomness of this world. It still doesn't help me make sense of that son's pain. It never lets the image fade - of the son, sitting out the back in the ocean with his father, sharing a connection or a knowing smile that appears to the father like the parenting dream.
Look at us! We're doing it! Maybe those years of the sullen teenager in the darkened room are behind us. Maybe there is a light. Maybe - just maybe - he will get through this.
But the dark voice is too strong. The pain overwhelming. The weight of life too great. No release, no letting up, no reprieve. Like being held down wave after wave after wave until there is no option but to just stop fighting.
I don't know this guy. I don't know his son or even what town he lives in. But there was something that connected us and every other man, brother, father, or son on that forum that day.
I just hoped that the connection made its way out to anyone else nearby who was suffering under the unbearable weight of this world, or who was fighting for breath and hoping for some hand to reach down under the water and bring them up - to the light, to the air, to this life.
// MATTHEW SHANAHAN
If you or anyone you know needs help:
- Lifeline on 13 11 14
- Kids Helpline on 1800 551 800
- Beyond Blue on 1300 224 636
- Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467
- Headspace on 1800 650 890
- MensLine Australia on 1300 789 978
Comments
Hi Stu,
Thanks for posting this. I've dropped Matthew a line offering my help should he need it and referred him to my film Rogue Waves.
I'm willing to help anyone who finds themselves in this dark space.
Keep up the good work mate.
Good onya, Mick.
More power to you.
Hi Mick
I’m wanting a chat!
Hi,
email me your phone no. and I'll give you a call.
[email protected]
Champions,
Get around those that suffer. And godspeed and peace to those that do.
100%. There have been a few occasions here recenty, in the to and fro of the forums where other posters have jumped in to support those who have appeared to need it. I know the term "men's shed" has been thrown around in a disparaging way, but the positive aspects of having such a community, with a shared interest, shouldn't be down played. From the original article, the thoughtful responses,
and heartfelt support given, Swellnet at its best.
Blackers. You’ve nailed it superbly with those thoughts. Well done.
"Swellnet at it's best"
Probably one of the best comments made in these forums to date. Such a diverse community on here discussing all aspects of life including surfing occasionally.
Hear hear
Was so heavy, think everyone was shattered for him. Swellnet crew were awesome but don't know if we all helped, hope so, the article was so evocative, brought out some great comments like you said, maybe an anonymous forum is a good place to get something off your chest somewhat
I re-read the post - and he signed up in order to comment - which I reckon is a great sign of action and stepping in. I reckon every condolence helped in a small way. Maybe the anonymity is powerful sometimes.
Reading both the original article/comment and this article, a song about Scott Hutchison from Frightened Rabbit came to mind by Frank Turner. It is so emotionally charged, and for anyone who has lost a good friend or loved one to suicide I recommend having a listen to it.
Far out.....that was intense. Beautiful but intense.
Frank Turner is an absolute genius. worth a listen.
got to be the best way to deal with it, the grief, the confusion, the guilt, write a kick arse song and sing the shit out of it.
It's lonely, being left, I hope at least Dowey felt less so after the exchange
Thanks Gary G..: just watched the Frank Turner clip… have never heard of him.
Didnt know Frank Turner but I’m lost for words after hearing that one
That’s to fucking heavy, losing a child is one of the most tragic situations a human can experience and when combined with confusion and guilt of suicide the pain must be beyond description. The times I’ve understood how low we can feel and the way that it simply can’t go on (yeah I wasted over a decade to heroin addiction) it has been the understanding of what I would be doing to my parents and family that kept me safe until the fog cleared enough for me to be able to find a path back to happiness. Never take it for granted that the people you love know your feelings for them or how much you appreciate having them in your life. We’re most likely to have clean sand bank a frames all weekend in my little town.
Wow. Thanks for the article.
I’ve been part of a mens therapy group for a few years and at any time I can post on the group chat “anyone available to hold space?” and very quickly the options come through.
I enjoy the surfing intellectual chat on forums like these but I couldn’t imagine getting the help I need from here. For me, the intimacy of someone hearing me speak and then non-judgementally responding is just so powerful and releasing.
This is the beautiful thing about the internet and your site Stu. I just hope said commenter has had some feeling of support or comfort from the whole thread… cheers and best wishes brother
Powerful replies to a heavy and tragic situation, being there for those close to you is the best thing you can do, don’t take it for granted and tell people you are there for them and love them more than you already do
Hug and tell your children you love them everyday.... They are precious.
I posted on here late 2020 about how my wife passed away and I was now left with my 3 boys age 7, 5 and 3 at the time. A comment on Covid stuff at the time, but threw it out into the internet at a time that was raw, brutally painful and hopeless at times. Just the comments I received, the words of support and the general sentiment that some people actually give a fuck about other humans around them, surfers or not, was reassuring at a time when I needed something. Just anything. Even just letting it out and putting my feelings on the page made a difference. So I have some belief in this Mens Shed idea that these forums on this website can be helpful, cathartic even, and more than just poking shit at the WOZZLE or speculating about when Kelly may hang up the jersey. But I like reading that too…
Great article. Terrific perspective. Get around your kids. Get around your friends and family. You never know when someone might be struggling.
Hope you are travelling well mate. Great advice.
Get support and help! I worked as architect for several years on a small building in a children's hospital in Liverpool called the Alder Centre which provides counselling for anyone affected by the death of a child. That can be parents, grandparents, siblings, friends. The passed child can be young or old. During the initial design phases we spoke with many of the affected and a comment resonates: "you never get over it, you just learn to live with it." Almost every design meeting I left in tears. We went to a service at the Liverpool cathedral which is cavernous and it was filled with a community of people that lost a child. The Alder Centre was originally started by people from this community - beareaved parents who found that supporting others was the best way they could learn to live without their child. That was thirty years ago and now they have their own dedicated building, one that was funded entirely by benevolence as the NHS funding just doesn't stretch far enough for this type of counselling support. Anyone in a similar situation should seek out these types of networks and communities. They are hard to come by, but exist in some form in many countries. If you're interested
https://www.ahmm.co.uk/projects/health/the-alder-centre/
https://aldercentre.org.uk/
Amazing story Bazzz. Must have been pretty full on.
At my wifes funeral, (all 10 of us due to Vic Covid restrictions) I addressed her parents and quoted Nathan Oldfield, who had quoted Neena Verma
“We have words like Orphan, widow and widower in all languages. But there is no word in any language for a parent who loses a child. How do you describe the pain of ultimate bereavement?”
It resonated with me and with the pain of my in-laws. And describes the pain of so many around like you touched on. It’s a large but so unfortunate group.
And your thoughts around never getting over it but learning to live with it is so true of all forms of grief. And probably needs to be recognized to move forward. You’ll never be over it. You just need to adapt. God knows I’m still adapting.
Cheers for your insight and references for those who might need a hand.
We surf we should all be brothers
There is a FB group (with associated website) I've been part of for a few years. Its been immense help through some testing times. Lots of members, male only, providing / requesting support for blokes/men/boys/males. Worth a look: Australian Dad's network.
Thank you Stu for initiating the topic and to all that have contributed. It's the next dimension of journalism and thinking IMO. Because the thing is unless we shine a light on these mental health issues, particularly for our kids; nothing will change.
In the last few years, as my generation's kids reach their early 20's there have been suicides and I have been shocked. I still am. The never-ending pain in those parents' eyes. It's impossible not to be affected.
Partly in response to this, I've created a thing with my two oldest mates; every Saturday morning we meet at the same beach and walk and talk for an hour or so, then dive in. Ironically, observing the dynamic changes on that beach, every week at the same time is a very special backdrop that reminds me of the power of the ocean vs. how small our individual problems are by comparison. Mostly we talk about parenting our kids better. Every week I learn something new in our beach workshop and shout out my frustrations at my mates too, instead of at my kids; coz shouting at my kids is never going to be a good idea. I'm into my 25th year of parenting but I still feel like a novice - I'm terrified of the idea that I got it so wrong that my kid wants to leave the earth by their own doing.
Anyway, my main point is to thank Ben, Stu @ Swellnet, and all of the contributors for shining a light on these issues - coz' talking/writing about your thoughts and feelings does help IMO. So thank you for creating the forum to do so.
Sounds like a cool group RR. Good idea. I’m also at 25 years as a parent, you can’t get it perfect, and you can’t really completely fuck it up. Well, not without being the most monstrous and evil of dudes.
“I’m terrified of the idea that I got it so wrong that my kids want to leave the earth by their own doing.”
I’ll just pick you up on that though. That’s not really the way it works. Unless you were one of those grotesque, child-bashing, wife-beating fathers, the grounding you give your kids is just that. Grounding. You can’t make them fly, you can only support them as you can. Mental health is just hugely tricky, much more complex than we know, and isn’t necessarily a product of what we did as parents, or even any fault in our children.
Go well, everyone.
Hey Batfink,
Thanks for taking to time to respond to my post and pulling me up on that sentence. I didn't feel right writing it but let it go anyway, imagining "I'll work out where that came from another time" - but your attention has bought that search for cause & effect into my foreground today.
So I'm gonna take some of my own advice and contribute to "shining a light on mental health issues" by typing here that my father took his own life when I was 17. (Noting, in the present, that this simple act of admission causes me to sweat and squirm in my seat uncontrollably) So the use of the word "terrified" in my original post about my children going that way, is probably (possibly) a feeling of abandonment I had as a child when that experience of his happened to land on me, effectively ending my childhood.
To show how things change, how education helps, when my youngest child was about 14, I asked her "What did you learn at school today?" "About suicide" "What did you learn?" "That the pain doesn't go away, it just gets passed on to the next generation" ..and in that moment she gave me such a look of both pity and love, it broke my heart and emboldened me to push on, both feelings at the same time, thinking "my parenting is working out just fine."
To finish with something from someone far more eloquent than I, by Robert Frost:
"Time present and time past
Are both perhaps present in time future,
And time future contained in time past.
If all time is eternally present
All time is unredeemable."
Thanks again BF for causing me to reflect on where my words from yesterday came from. > RR
Hi RR - a very brave reflection. Parenting is a wild and complex beast - I dont think you ever get your head around it and the sense of responsibility. I reckon that the fact you think about it and question it is the most powerful step. Yea - you gotta work to change things that aren't right but I reckon just asking the questions and being ready for the answers starts you down the right path.
My wife has a beautiful belief - which is that we have a duty to sort our own shit out as best we can so we dont pass it onto the next generation. We will never get it 100% right - but we can try.
Hey B33 > thanks for your kind words, 'coz even at my mature age, talking about these issues is still hard, so thanks for your acknowledgment of the bravery required.
A big part of it for me is I dislike being labeled a so-called "victim" of family suicide because it feels weak and I trained myself from age 17 to fight for the survival of my family (mum & 4 siblings), which has been a successful strategy and outcome.
I now acknowledge there is a lifetime burden that comes with patriarchal suicide - it never goes away - and I've never wanted it to define me either, or even worse pass onto my kids any of my "inter-generational trauma".
To that end, I've clearly not offered them suicide as the perpetuated role model that I learned from my father; but my reality is as a direct consequence, my deeply ingrained response to every heightened emotional event in my life has been to "fight" for survival.
As the saying goes, awareness precedes change, so there is hope in there for me to change too, now that all of my kids are now adults, having been safely delivered into the big wide world! > RR
Beautiful response batfink. Spot on.
+1 to both comments Bungan, nicely put.
We dads often go thru the motions...
Crew feel for you njcbourke...that's a tough share...we wish you & the boys well.
tbb's Daughter survived Cancer & Son just survived a high speed [M1] pileup that claimed another.
Each time your heart sinks and yer nerves are frayed...instantly willing to trade places...but we can't!
Discussed similar with big brother just last week...
The pain of losing a child is well ... how Matt describes.
Very thoughtful share & helpful comments from ever compassionate crew.
tbb salutes & supports crew & swellnet lifeline frontline...good health to all parents & families!
PS : (Against Natural Order)
1860 ~ 40% of Aussie kids never lived long enough to start school!
Masses of past grieving Parents were never afforded a descriptive title to be allowed to grieve.
Sure now far fewer kids die but not much else has changed!
Crew are correct in stating this anomaly...as fewer kids died...their plight was considered less dire!
There must be a word & there is...it is slowly gaining acceptance thru our current century.
There are also proposals to accept new more compassionate title/s for grieving Parents
Vilomah (Sanskrit-Ancient Indian) - Losing a Child
Children must not precede us in Death! If the do..."We are Vilomahed!"
(Chinese) Black Haired must not outlive the Grey Haired!
These strictly apply language in a methodical scholarly sense which lacks empathy!
2021 : French proposal : "Parange" Parents of Angels (No English Translation!)
Story behind this is worth sharing & warrants respect...it sounds weird but comes from the heart!
https://www.connexionfrance.com/article/Mag/Language/French-MP-wants-new...
Widower (Sanskrit- Ancient Indian) - Losing a Spouse (Also from the same Religion / Language)
Orphan (Ancient Greek > Latin) - Bereaved by Losing ones Parent/s
Again these are all strict 'Morbid' cold hearted scholarly titles lacking compassion.
Reminding poor souls that they lack something or another is not really helpful...thanx mate!
Surely we can offer grieving families more compassionate titles as a first stage of healing!
This is not a big ask & it could prove as a major leap forward for all human kind!
Aussie : "She'll be right mate + a pat on the back!"... Now that's a good start!
I read the story and must admit, with two boys of my own, I could almost feel the pain. Almost I say because until it happens, no one would know that pain. I can imagine the son paddling out and the father overjoyed to have him there. But after having a conversation with my Brother in Law who lost a brother, and a nephew to suicide from mental health, it seems that once people who are in that deep dark hole, they just can't see a way out. Suicide, from the people left behind perspective, is a selfish act. All it leaves is questions, guilt, silence, pain, anguish, a wanting, and memories.