The Newcastle Cup: Finals Day - Bert and Mugatu

Ding Alley
Ding Alley

In the interests of Ding Alley’s personal safety, we must first thank Baz Cornell for filling in for us yesterday. Ding Alley took a call from a tired and emotional Baz late last night. We had some trouble making out what Baz was saying – hoarse and yelling to be heard above the hubbub of the Toona Tavern just before stumps – but we think it was something about Carissa Moore’s quarter-final performance: “Got a head like Bert Newton, surfs like Larry Bertlemann… gotta go, some caarnt’s lookin’ at me funny”. Or words to that effect.

We’re not sure about the Bert Newton/Larry Bertlemann thing but if Baz insists… Anyway, Riss’s whizzy last night was an absolute treat, captured as it was in the studio-like conditions of the golden dusk shorey, with Johanne Defay as gracious and stoked as you like. 

Sure, the Woz ain’t perfect, and the comps can be tedious sometimes, but maybe you need the grind to deliver those kinds of moments – where pro surfing’s just ace.

Yet another different face reveals itself for Merewether this morning. Gotta admit it’s turned out to be a perfectly serviceable Woz location, with its B-grade idiosyncracies rewarding those with sharp surf IQ. 

That said, today day took a while to ignite, with the first few heats more of a lottery than usual: some south back in the swell, running wide, petering out, rippy, grey and ornery.

But it’s a Saturday, it’s finals day, and there’s waves, so it’s a win for the Woz! 

ADS versus Gabby. Maybe the veteran could have pushed harder through his turns and squeezed through, given Gabs never linked up a big score, but easily the most remarkable thing about this heat was to witness these two promenading back up the beach, practically hand in hand, laughing, talking like a couple of regular chums! 

Watching post-heat-presser-Gabby (gracious and on point), your correspondent had a terrifying thought: what if Happy Gabby’s more dangerous than Brooding Gabby? Fark! 

It’s still junky when Morgs and R-Cal paddle out for their much-anticipated heat. Like most of us, Ding Alley found itself wanting both fellas to win. If anything, a progressing R-Cal might have more firepower to match Gabs in the Semi, but Morgs’ inclination to hunt the insiders (whether by strategy or grommet instinct) sent the resulting draw his way. I guess we got our wish, both surfers posting a winning score. Technically. Kind of. Sorta.

Unmerited cheap shots at Woz honcho Erik Logan have been conspicuously absent from Ding Alley’s five days of Newy reporting, and we’ve only got some VERY flimsy material to work with here, so feel free to skim through to the next paragraph, and apologies in advance to anyone under, say, fifty. For some reason, we can vividly picture Elo, back home, regarding handsome young Morgs in his post heat pressers the same way the predatorial Dr Zachary Smith used to leer at young William-dear-boy in ‘Lost In Space’ – the black and white Seppo sci-fi series that used to replay all the time on tele back in the day. 

So there you go, ridiculous and baffling Elo takedown box ticked. Fucken hell. Sad really.

Anyway, regardless of Elo’s hypothetical unwanted attention, Morgs is less Cheshire-cat and more solemn in his post-heat presser. But fucken hell, Stace, ease up on the hyperbole, fella. (Ding Alley has to ask why the Woz overlooks Binnsy for this role. BTW)

Italo Ferreira – who we’re glad to see sporting his default Mugatu hairstyle – goes freesurfing on the left against Vetea Deivid Silvana. Occasionally, more as a courtesy, the camera pans back up the beach to Deivid, who gives it a shake, but Italo throws enough mud for a sick whizzie to stick. 

Good thing the Woz don’t run the NRL or AFL’s concussion protocols, given Mugatu’s fondness for smacking the board into his head to celebrate a successful Whizz – or there’d be a trainer running down the beach to escort a protesting Brazillian down into the rooms.

Filipe ToldYaSo versus Conner ‘Alexander Supertramp’ (look it up) Coffin. Supertramp on the outside as the tide drops, ToldYaSo on the inside. 

ToldaYaSo’s undergone quite the metamorphosis: gone is his shrill-whistling old fella, gone the whippety physique, gone the attention of favouritism. Due perhaps to his portly appearance in Hawaii, (where we harrumphed and tut-tutted like middle aged luvvies in the hair salon flipping through Who magazine), Fil will most likely fly under the radar all the way to Trestles, hey.

Despite a great, critical turn out the back, and a late rally, Coffin was left starved of what he needed, (much like the real Supertramp character in the wilderness of Alaska, just look it up will ya). 

Cut to ToldYaSo. Screaming like a mad bear back in the competitor area, Stace asking him how it feels. How does it fucken look like it feels?

The sun pops, the tide drops. It all turns on. Some gorgeous waves start coming through. Well played, Woz. Paradoxically, the most handsome waves of the event make for a slightly less engaging spectacle – we’re back to longer lulls and fill-in warbling by the gang. 

Actually, before we get to the pointy end, let’s assess our mic’d up friends. Overall, good going by the team – and when you’re doing good commentary, it usually goes by un-noticed – but a few notes, if I may.

Bugs and Ronnie, best by far. Stace, ya gotta take it down a notch. Ease up on the hyperbole, son. You described R-Cal – to his face – as one of the ‘Best characters in the world’ – and Morgs – to his face – as a ‘National hero’ and ‘Gentleman of the highest order’. This kind of OTT praise can only be appropriate when about fifty beers in with a Best Mate. Another point off for ‘consumate professional’. 

Richie should beware the ghost of Pottz in the booth infecting his inflecting, and stringing together meaningless phrases. To wit: “She’s done the work in the off season, she’s solid on her board, solid on her feet, she’s ironed out the bugs.” Not exactly a crime against language, sure, but it tends to wear the listener out. 

Much like this fucking article, really.

Gals semis, Bella Nicholls over Keely Dan Andrews. Caroline Marks – she of the Occy thighs and Morticia Adams hairdo – no chance against a peaking Riss Moore. Ding Alley admires the surfing of Steph, Sal, Courtney, Tyler etc very much, but Moore’s got to be the most incredible and epic of the lot. 

Speaking of epic. Gabs phenomenal halfcourt throw whizzy puts the result out of doubt against Morgs in semi one, and Mugatu adapts to the outside bank to end ToldYaSo’s run.

Moore rightly take out a fairly anticlimactic final. What a treasure. 

A real highlight for Ding Alley here is Richie – clearly overcome with emotion and excitement – pulling out the ‘Natural Ampitheatre’ line as Carissa comes up the beach! 

Honestly, just when the day couldn’t get any better!

The men’s final is an intense, worthy boost-off. Gabs looks unstoppable at the start, as in deference to Bells, Merewether does a decent facsimile of a waning Easter swell in The Bowl (feat. lefthanders). As expected though, Mugatu starts throwing whizzy mud pies and celebrates sticking one with a by-now-regulation crotch-grab. These two absolute beasts swing at each other as the swell dies like a slow puncture, and Mugatu gets the nod. 

Cue aggressively-joyful beach mob.

Nobody can be in any way surprised at the Italo/Gabs final. Five of the eight quarteries were Zillas BTW. When it comes to the Brazillian Storm, it’s more climate than weather event. 

To the presso: one last note on Gabby. Remember when he would be in tears on the podium if he didn’t get first place? He was so happy and easy going up there today. 

I do believe I’m a fan.

Final consolation for disappointed Aussie patriots: The Zillas might have it all over the rest of the world on the ratings and the scoreboard, but no-one sells soy milk or camping gear better than our Oz lads. Owen’s heartfelt testimonial about his desire for a ‘product’ that would allow him to whisk his tow-headed child away for an overnighter is some next-level shill. So we lead the field in this respect. And much as Ding Alley enjoyed watching the Newy Pro, we‘ll appreciate the downtime between now and Narra. 

Sincerely though, as Baz’d say, well played Woz, ya caarnts.

// DING ALLEY

Comments

Westofthelake's picture
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Westofthelake Saturday, 10 Apr 2021 at 6:55pm

Kudos DA for the WSL Newy articles.

Enjoy ya break fellas.

Roystein's picture
Roystein's picture
Roystein Saturday, 10 Apr 2021 at 6:56pm

Love the Krakauer reference Gra, one of my favourite writers.
Love the detail embedded in satire. Top notch!

Sheep go to heaven's picture
Sheep go to heaven's picture
Sheep go to heaven Saturday, 10 Apr 2021 at 7:25pm

Comp 2 , Narrabeen
Teams :
Commentary - In : V. Blakey
- Out J. Turpel ( inj )

servant's picture
servant's picture
servant Saturday, 10 Apr 2021 at 9:06pm

Wouldn't put it past Vaughn B(the more rascally of the brothers grin) to actually injure Joe T. to get that gig. Mind you I reckon you would have to put poor Joe down to have him absolutely quiet and unable to reach the booth

Sheep go to heaven's picture
Sheep go to heaven's picture
Sheep go to heaven Sunday, 11 Apr 2021 at 6:46am

Yep Servant , a good swift kick in the jatz crackers from Vaughn should bring about change !

memlasurf's picture
memlasurf's picture
memlasurf Sunday, 11 Apr 2021 at 7:32am

Could talk in an iron lung

zenagain's picture
zenagain's picture
zenagain Sunday, 11 Apr 2021 at 9:40am

Or the bottom of a pool full of cement with a mouthful of marbles.

servant's picture
servant's picture
servant Sunday, 11 Apr 2021 at 6:00pm

Also well played zenagain, another oldie but goodie
God Bless you too

servant's picture
servant's picture
servant Sunday, 11 Apr 2021 at 5:59pm

Well played memlasurf... .and oldie but a goodie. I had to try and explain the iron lung (the other saying "wouldn't work in an iron lung") to a millennial the other day but got that look a baffled puppy gives you when they move their head from side to side. Haha
God Bless you and them too

bluediamond's picture
bluediamond's picture
bluediamond Saturday, 10 Apr 2021 at 8:00pm

It was a very good comp. I enjoyed all it's variables. So much good surfing and frailties put under the spotlight with the shifting Mereweather lineup.
I almost wanna uppercut myself for even thinking this....but i reckon Gabs was the surfer of the comp for the mens, (was that the biggest air in a comp ever?) and Italo just snuck away with that one...which was epic.
But for sure Carissa was the worthy winner for the chicks. Thanks Swellnet for all the content around the comp. Yew!

Island Bay's picture
Island Bay's picture
Island Bay Saturday, 10 Apr 2021 at 8:09pm

*AmpHitheatre. Sorry, had to.

Stace is good. Straight in there while emotions are running. Keep it up.

Rab, too avuncular by a mile. Sounds like he’s commenting the Sunday arvo bingo rather than the bloody final.

Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch Tuesday, 13 Apr 2021 at 8:02am

eek! good pickup! Onya I.B

ringmaster's picture
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ringmaster Saturday, 10 Apr 2021 at 8:27pm

Are there any WCT venues that AREN'T natural amphitheatres???

I think not.

Sando1's picture
Sando1's picture
Sando1 Saturday, 10 Apr 2021 at 8:32pm

Kelly’s pool?

zenagain's picture
zenagain's picture
zenagain Sunday, 11 Apr 2021 at 9:43am

touché.

D-Rex's picture
D-Rex's picture
D-Rex Saturday, 10 Apr 2021 at 8:38pm

Excellent comp and DA analysis. Worthy winners and happy losers. What more can we ask for? PS only Superman could throw a bigger air than that one of Gabs IMHO.

servant's picture
servant's picture
servant Saturday, 10 Apr 2021 at 9:44pm

Funny stuff Gra,
Very nice Dr.Smith and Morticia references. Bread and butter and Vegemite after school viewing for us kids of the 60's, with weekends in the back beach shore break ( like Newcastle) on a purple, yellow striped 'wavetite', (weapon of mass destruction at that time, to little prey bodies).
Gomez: "I love it when she (J.Defay) speaks French, cara Mia, x,x,x".
"oh the pain, the pain, you bubble headed booby" and Robot: "Warning, warning SUP alien approaching Morgs".
Inevitable outcome for the comp with all the flying trapeze Brazo brothers, but wouldn't it have been serrendipodous ( another grown-up's word I can't spell) for local boys, R-Cal & Morgs to have finaled together.
Nice wrap up DA, thank you again both for the great entertainment in the last week or so. Looking forward to your Nara hi jinx. I only realise now that I actually had missed the WSL circus with all it's spectacle and warts and knock on effects.
Couldn't agree more about Johanne Defay and her selfless applause to fellow competitor's outstanding aerial. Who was it that said "all you need is love"? John and Paul, ie. the Beatles.... and the Apostles!
God Bless you and them all

Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch Sunday, 11 Apr 2021 at 8:55am

Thanks Servy. As I was writing that Lost In Space riff I had a feeling you'd get it! So was stoked ya did mate.

tubeshooter's picture
tubeshooter's picture
tubeshooter Saturday, 10 Apr 2021 at 9:54pm

I'm more concerned if Baz made it back in time before the bistro shut?

servant's picture
servant's picture
servant Saturday, 10 Apr 2021 at 10:23pm

Gra,
what about cousin "it" hair style for Laura Neverendingstory on the post show couch?
Much to my surprise uncle Joe T got visibly annoyed when she kept stepping on his long winded turns to speak. Had to laugh when he said sharply to her "I beg your pardon!"
...Oh the humanity

Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch Sunday, 11 Apr 2021 at 8:56am

Yeah mate to be honest I was too cooked to take in the post show. Pretty knackered to be honest!

tubeshooter's picture
tubeshooter's picture
tubeshooter Saturday, 10 Apr 2021 at 10:29pm

And yeah the highlight for me was not only the move , but Carrissas' humble disbelief claim and Joannes' reaction . It was an immediate and genuine response from both competitors { sorry , athletes} , you can't fake.

servant's picture
servant's picture
servant Saturday, 10 Apr 2021 at 11:00pm

Amen brother

Standingleft's picture
Standingleft's picture
Standingleft Saturday, 10 Apr 2021 at 11:20pm

Back from the dead after Easter walking on water, biblical stuff from the woz there servant?

servant's picture
servant's picture
servant Sunday, 11 Apr 2021 at 1:04am

Indeed Standingleft, fellow goofy foot, WSL actually put on great show, which I didn't expect. They are actually a nice mob who personally helped me a lot back in 2019.
God Bless you and them too

campbell's picture
campbell's picture
campbell Sunday, 11 Apr 2021 at 2:04am

"Head like Bert Newton" was the most spot on description I've ever heard, thankyou DA.
What about Laura's hand talking descriptions of the surfing? almost better than that sign language lady on the covid updates

memlasurf's picture
memlasurf's picture
memlasurf Sunday, 11 Apr 2021 at 7:36am

Note to all ct surfers: without a brilliant air game, retire.

servant's picture
servant's picture
servant Sunday, 11 Apr 2021 at 6:13pm

Spot on memlasurf, I said exactly the same thing to my long suffering wife after the final, especially after Medina's extra ordinary flying time air (-Jordan). Not a fan of "resting grumpy face", but boy he can surf, so credit where credit is due. The likes of Ace B are going to do it tough from here on in unless of course it's cranking huge left hand barrels like Tahiti etc. which is apparently now "covid confirmed" for later this year.
As always God Bless them all

MRsinglefin's picture
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MRsinglefin Sunday, 11 Apr 2021 at 8:26am

Big shout out to Warren Smith and his team who sorted the infrastructure at short notice. Love your work DA and I’m sure your English teachers at High school would be proud of you

neilridgway's picture
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neilridgway Tuesday, 13 Apr 2021 at 5:45am

Onya, Wazza... Legend...

Blowin's picture
Blowin's picture
Blowin Sunday, 11 Apr 2021 at 8:37am

Epic final instalment to cap off a dream run of connest reviews. The ELO / Dr Smith comparison was so beautiful.

Quick note on Mick Fanning’s Narrabeen wildcard - he could have made the semis at Newcastle no problem. If Morgan could do it, he could’ve done it at a canter. Beachie lefts might be a different story.

Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch Sunday, 11 Apr 2021 at 8:59am

Hey just very quickly, to all youse commenters through these Ding Alley Newy dispatches. Thanks heaps, and so very much, for taking the time. Myself and Macca (and Baz, though he won't admit it) are stoked and grateful. Highlight for me was Macca's treatment as JJF as Alice in Wonderland. Fella can draw!

Standingleft's picture
Standingleft's picture
Standingleft Sunday, 11 Apr 2021 at 9:35am

Macca's on fire. You two do for the WSL what Roy and HG did for the Olympics. Maybe stay away from Hawaii mate after that Burt Newton gag

bluediamond's picture
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bluediamond Sunday, 11 Apr 2021 at 4:12pm

Agreed. You'd be a brave man to go to Hawaii now, and rightly deserved.

Blowin's picture
Blowin's picture
Blowin Sunday, 11 Apr 2021 at 4:18pm

I reckon Patti Newton is the real danger.

calk's picture
calk's picture
calk Sunday, 11 Apr 2021 at 10:46am

"Not exactly a crime against language, sure, but it tends to wear the listener out.

Much like this fucking article, really."

Not at all, DA. Not at all...

Highlights of the event were Morgs against JJF and DA's daily synopsis (of which, Baz calling Kanoa's loss 'poetic justice' due to recent events in China was a standout).

snakeman's picture
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snakeman Sunday, 11 Apr 2021 at 1:08pm

Can't believe you didn't make note of one of our own oz commentators referring to a buoy as a booooeeee.

andy-mac's picture
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andy-mac Sunday, 11 Apr 2021 at 3:47pm

Another ripper write up.
Thank you Sir....

andy-mac's picture
andy-mac's picture
andy-mac Sunday, 11 Apr 2021 at 3:47pm

Another ripper write up.
Thank you Sir....

andy-mac's picture
andy-mac's picture
andy-mac Sunday, 11 Apr 2021 at 3:47pm

Another ripper write up.
Thank you Sir....

Roker's picture
Roker's picture
Roker Sunday, 11 Apr 2021 at 4:45pm

The ghost of Pottz was at its most malign when Richie concluded that such and such a surfer had 'manifested a score'. I'm not sure that this makes sense - and maybe does encroach on 'crime against language' territory. If anyone can make a score manifest I suppose it's the judges. I think it was probably a slip of the tongue and he meant 'manufactured'. Which is meat and potatoes ghost of Pottz stuff. That said I think Pottz has a bit of charisma and cred and I hope he's back at some point. But Rabbit was flat out excellent. So easy on the ear and often insightful.

goofyfoot's picture
goofyfoot's picture
goofyfoot Sunday, 11 Apr 2021 at 6:12pm

What happened to Pottz?

servant's picture
servant's picture
servant Sunday, 11 Apr 2021 at 6:22pm

Hey goofy foot, if I remember correctly you too are a Mornington Pen local?
Pottz rents a shack at St.Andrews back beach (Mornington Peninsula, Vic) for the last couple years. Therefore he's lives in the wonderful world of covid lockdown terror/interstate travel uncertainty, which is Victoria.
God Bless you, Pottz and our beloved Chairman Dan

Spuddups's picture
Spuddups's picture
Spuddups Sunday, 11 Apr 2021 at 7:13pm

Imagine if they had a commentator of the calibre of this chap:

D-Rex's picture
D-Rex's picture
D-Rex Sunday, 11 Apr 2021 at 8:26pm

I won't' hear a bad word against Pottz. Been in the water plenty of times with him and he's always been cool. Not often you split the peak with an ex world champ who gives you the time of day.

tubeshooter's picture
tubeshooter's picture
tubeshooter Sunday, 11 Apr 2021 at 10:30pm

I,m guessing it was about 1 o'clock.

D-Rex's picture
D-Rex's picture
D-Rex Monday, 12 Apr 2021 at 3:42pm

11.30ish from memory.

Lanky Dean's picture
Lanky Dean's picture
Lanky Dean Tuesday, 13 Apr 2021 at 9:29am

Can we do it again next year?
I hope so.......

JDevil's picture
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JDevil Tuesday, 13 Apr 2021 at 11:25am

Can someone explain the heatscore for Callinan and Cibilic? seems like to the scores were favoured to get cibilic to advance. definitely makes it less palatable with the odd scoring metrics.