The Newcastle Cup: Day One - Formula One Ferreira

Ding Alley
Ding Alley

At 3:04 am today, the Woz comms team came out of the blocks with some next-level cleverness, emailing Surfline’s surf forecast for Newcastle out to its database:

“It's 5-6' and GOOD. The Rip Curl Newcastle Cup pres by Corona is Just Hours Away… FORECAST: 5-6’ With possible 8’ Sets.”

Let’s face it, if you can’t trust Surfline – that Seppo Surf Forecast Behemoth with eyes seemingly set on total world domination – who CAN you trust?

“Odd…” I thought, scoping my local in the pre-dawn dark, not ALL that far north of Newy, “must be a strangely localised five-to-six-foot-swell-with-possible-eight-foot sets.”

But STILL the penny didn’t drop for your gullible D.A correspondent… and when the Wozcast came to life at 7.35 am, revealing instead one-to-two foot, with possible two-and-a-half-foot sets – I racked my brains for an explanation for such a discrepancy, being 2021 and all, with all our technology, SURELY a forecast couldn’t be So. Spectacularly. Wrong.

I thought I cracked the code when I realised there’s more than one Newcastle! Perhaps the beginner-friendly beachies near Newcastle-Upon-Tyne in England’s north east is copping swell of the year? But a quick search revealed the UK Newy’s isn’t firing…

Hang on. Of course. 

April Fucking Fools!

Ah Wozzle, ya got us all good. Best April Fool’s gag ever. Well done you!

A clever ruse to get excited eyeballs, but you needn’t have bothered on our behalf – after all, it’s been a while since Pipe, and fucking forever since a ‘real’ Woz comp ran in Oz, so Ding Alley’s curious to tune in regardless. 

See what’s up, so to speak, even if the surf isn’t.

Now, as anyone familiar with Ding Alley’s comp reporting will warn you, don’t expect much in the way of ‘journalism’ or actual ‘reporting’ in these dispatches – rather a random collection of things we noticed – mostly trivial observations with an eye to the absurd, and a disproportionate fascination with the commentary squad etc. It’s more a series of quasi-Community Service announcements than journalism. 

Basically, we’ll endure hours of Wozcasting, so you don’t have to.

Right then, to things we noticed...

Just so we can get Macca’s toon up the top of the piece here, we’ll fast forward to probs the highlight of the day’s comp in Newy: Italo’s 17-wave freesurf in Heat Six. 

Where most everyone hustled away on the little rights coming in off the rock platform, Italo just picked off semi-closeout lefts down the beach and went mental.

Despite winning the heat comfortably, he didn’t post a mega score or anything: there was no thought of ‘heat management’, or waiting for the waves with the highest scoring potential - none of that. Instead he surfed with the mindset of a 12-year old. Mixing it up, going for the biggest, whackiest, gouging-est things, and airs pretty much on to the sand. In his post-heat presser he nominated Formula One as the sport most instructive and inspirational – just for the sheer fucking velocity of it.

It’s worth watching that heat. Not so much for the performance really, but just for the attitude. It’s unreal to see someone just be themselves.

And as far as all those various airs he landed, if this was a few decades ago, Italo would have filled a full part in a Kai Neville kingmaker film in the space of 35 minutes. All that would have remained would be to shoot a few grainy cutaways of him looking ironic and rebellious in the middle distance. Geez.

–––––––––––

OK, back to the start, the day began with incredibly economical Welcome-To-Country box-ticking – three seconds of a bloke playing a didge, cutting away to one and a half seconds of Tyler watching on. A quick smile and a nod to the camera and job done.

Great to see our own Jessi Miley-Cyrus – composed, casual and articulate – make a no-nonsense debut ‘commissioner’s call’. 

Lovely, also, to see MR – sporting a hairstyle that looks pleasingly like Dougal from The Magic Roundabout – press the honorary first heat horn, and convincingly express his delight to have the Woz in his Newy kingdom. Actually,  everyone, from MR to Louie Egan to the competitors really did seem to genuinely love being in Newy. It was hard not to feel good about it.

Not an unpleasant surprise to have Bugs in the booth. Were it not for the whims of a few hundred voters in the Burleigh electorate in last year’s State Election, Bugs MP would have been far too busy for the Woz. (It’s probably not worth noting that the LNP incumbent who denied Bugs the keys to the kingdom, Michael Hart, MP, bears the vaguest of resemblances to a later-day Michael Peterson. Anyhoo.)

Right, so the surf’s pretty shithouse. Somewhere out there, across the seas, our 11-time World Champion sits in his Jason Recliner, stroking the fluffy white cat in his lap, chuckling softly, and feeling – for now – glad to be away.

There’s a few semi-newbies on the Woz commentary/roving reporter squad. Stacey Gailbraith, Dimity Stoyle, Laura Enever. We’ll give ‘em a few days to find their feet before sharing our observations.

Richie Lovett makes a decent point about the pedestrian conditions on offer: these are the waves us mugs generally surf, day in day out, so it’s good to see the what the pros can do on ‘em. And while it’s hard to argue with this logic, if I didn’t have to watch in order to write this very sentence, I would have tuned out pretty much immediately. 

I think the Woz might have missed a trick. Here was a chance to actually do a “Break Breakdown” at a place many of us might be curious and uninformed about.  It’s one thing to have Luke Egan say “you’ve got your Ladies up there, Rocks there, Third Reef and Middle Peak here” while off camera so you’ve no idea where he’s pointing. Carn Woz! Throw the drone up and show us the lay of the land!

Bit of Easter deja-vu, with the gang jiving along little two-foot righthanders not dissimilar to high tide Rincon. Especially with the camera angle shooting down and into it, the slope of the beach, the closeout reo. A little bit Bells-ish for sure.

Favourite commentary quote supplied by Richie Lovett, describing Yago Dora’s dependable air-rev: “He’s got this turn on lockdown”.

Actually, Richie invented a new word today, at least I THINK it’s a new word: “Stagmatic” 2:38 from the end of heat eight, used to describe Alex Ribeiro’s approach to the wave. I think it’s the perfect word myself. 

EVERY SINGLE heat this of the Men’s, almost EVERY SINGLE surfer is spoken of as being in CAREER BEST FORM, as well as in peak fitness and most potential. It’s good to see the best in people, but come on…

OK, so picture Ding Alley on a psychologist’s couch right now, doing a word association exercise: 

Toledo. “Zippy” – first competitor to amass a heat score over double figures. (Meanwhile, across the bay from Margies’ Main Break, The Box chuckles and gives a slow, menacing handclap.) 

Gab Medina. “Beastly” – his last whippy air wizz fizz on a one foot wave was scary.

Jack Robinson. “Ornery” – compete failure to fire.

JJF. “Unhurried” – supremely loose in his comfy heat win.

Occy. “Jihadist” – just the beard and the rocking back and forth as remote Zoom commentary guest.

Jeremy Flores. “Champion” – such a good post heat presser. An actual interview with content! 

Ryan Callinan. “Happy” – just so great to see the lad beaming and mobbed by the groms after turning in a solid win. Remember it wasn’t so long ago he lost his folks. So to see him ripping and stoked is genuinely epic.

Jesus, we’re fucken 1300 words in to this mess, so we’ll wrap this  with Ding Alley’s highlight of the day. A truly glorious blink-and-you’ll miss it moment.

In heat nine, an all Aussie affair between Jules, Wade C and Ethan Ewing, there’s a moment where Ethan Ewing (from memory) has to adjust his line subtly so as not to scalp Wade, who’s paddling back out.

Joe Turpel spots this big, juicy commentary home-run! After all, he’s sharing the booth with a former World Champion (’78 World Champ Wayne Rabbit Bartholomew), known for his competitive intensity. 

You can HEAR the glee in Joe’s voice – he’s run this routine with Pottz a million times over the years – as he asks Bugs. “If it was in ’78 and Wade was paddling in front of you, would you go AROUND him or OVER him?”

As we know, Pottz would be ALL over this: we’d be strapped into the time machine and told, again, how every time a priority buoy was paddled around, a ten-round heavyweight title boxing match would occur while hidden from scrutiny, etc, etc, because everyone was oh-so-gnarly back then.

But Bugs isn’t Pottz, and Bugs doesn’t go there, doesn’t answer the question, he just keeps calling the heat, because stuff’s going on in front of him.

Could be my imagination, but you can almost HEAR the cogs spinning in Joe’s brain for the next 15 seconds. Like, did Rab hear and ignore him? Or did he miss it? Should he ask again? This isn’t right, etc.

So, Ding Alley’s takeaway highlight from the day, (as well as Italo’s F1 froth, RCal’s happiness, and ‘Stagmatic’) is Joe’s 15 seconds of having the earth give way beneath his feet. Full credit to him though, he shook it off like the vaudevillian trouper he is.

// DING ALLEY

PS: far as the Ding Alley Bingo card goes, today ticked off: 

1 8 9 11 18 19 26 27 30 31 35 37 38 39 

 

Comments

Westofthelake's picture
Westofthelake's picture
Westofthelake Thursday, 1 Apr 2021 at 7:05pm

"...if I didn’t have to watch in order to write this very sentence, I would have tuned out pretty much immediately. "

Well that sums up my early morning 2 minute check of the action. Besides, I had to go to work to continue the past weekanahalf's trend of doing the workload of 3.

Many thanks for the excellent review of the day!

Geez it would be so good to see RC go all the way.

epictard's picture
epictard's picture
epictard Thursday, 1 Apr 2021 at 8:45pm

As much as I would like to see RC win, it is difficult to see how anyone is going to beat Italo again in any conditions this year. He's too fast, too dynamic, and having too much fun.
The content that he has been releasing, that I have come across, shows that he's having an absolute freakin' ball of a time and surfing like a mad-man. Other's, whose surfing looks awesome when viewed on it's own, end up looking pretty lack-lustre in comparison. I can't recall anyone whose surfing has looked as 'alive' whilst still maintaining a high level of fun, both to watch and in the vibe of the surfer, and some style.

Island Bay's picture
Island Bay's picture
Island Bay Friday, 2 Apr 2021 at 4:49am

Look at the scores. There's your clue to how Italo will be beaten.

Morgan Cibilic's three semi-bogged turns scored higher.

Ben Harding's picture
Ben Harding's picture
Ben Harding Friday, 2 Apr 2021 at 11:37am

Italo was throwing punts only for the most part. Waves dictated what he could/wanted do and I reckon he was making a statement. Which clearly worked. No one is as explosive in anything under 3/4. Give him a chance and he will lay it on rail multiple times to get the score, then finish with a huge straight air or whatever he wants to remove any doubt in the judges minds. Sucks to say it as I'm not a fan, but he is gonna be super hard to beat.

Island Bay's picture
Island Bay's picture
Island Bay Friday, 2 Apr 2021 at 12:14pm

I agree that he was by a mile the most exciting to watch.

My point was that the judges still seem to favour meat and potato surfing, even when the waves don't support proper rail surfing. And therefore, Italo has a problem. Sort of :-)

Ben Harding's picture
Ben Harding's picture
Ben Harding Friday, 2 Apr 2021 at 12:34pm

Haha, he's got the type of problems i want.

Yep, youre right though. Caroline Marks managed 5 or 6 turns and got the days highscore. Not a fan of her approach on the backhand but she is v effective.

hoody's picture
hoody's picture
hoody Thursday, 1 Apr 2021 at 8:23pm

Best moment for me was Italo warming up listening to some tunes in the corner of a balcony. Then in waltz a high viz clad WOZ worker to deftly sanitise the corner of the balcony railing in full view of the camera. Great to see they are making such an effort to stay safe!
Pity he only did a token wipe and you could see it was staged.

Standingleft's picture
Standingleft's picture
Standingleft Thursday, 1 Apr 2021 at 9:17pm

Was it just the weak swell or have they passed a 'No claims on the Oz leg' rule? Great rule. Italo was massively entertaining on that left and Eeewing gets another e winning a CT heat but Caroline Marks was my highlight that backhand attack works anywhere. The wonderful Wozzle of Oz glad it's back they're crazy good at surfing. And meanwhile at Bells nah, notta, nuthin...

jetson.rover's picture
jetson.rover's picture
jetson.rover Thursday, 1 Apr 2021 at 9:50pm

That looked like the worst surf I've seen at an Aussie CT event,or possibly any CT event except some of the Brazilian ones over the years,since the tour started veering away from city slop venues in the 90's.
Looks like the Aussie leg this year could be more reminiscent of the QS tour rather than the dream tour.

Remigogo's picture
Remigogo's picture
Remigogo Thursday, 1 Apr 2021 at 10:00pm

.... that bloody Italo bloke..

servant's picture
servant's picture
servant Thursday, 1 Apr 2021 at 10:12pm

?

Remigogo's picture
Remigogo's picture
Remigogo Thursday, 1 Apr 2021 at 10:48pm

Is that ask for me?

Italo has an energy about him.

Thy Italo would be most difficult to beath.

servant's picture
servant's picture
servant Friday, 2 Apr 2021 at 12:43am

no, sorry Remigogo

bluediamond's picture
bluediamond's picture
bluediamond Friday, 2 Apr 2021 at 1:17am

As bad as it was, damn the surfing was good.

simba's picture
simba's picture
simba Friday, 2 Apr 2021 at 6:54am

yeah good report DA but i think you under called the sets imo, more like one to two and three quarter foot sets..............and full credit to the pros, they Did make it look entertaining.....Also 'Shakkin' Sally was ripping ...but Italo was the magician,mr entertainment.....

lilas's picture
lilas's picture
lilas Friday, 2 Apr 2021 at 6:59am

Nothing will ever change for the Wozzle until they stop sending the worlds best surfers out in conditions 99% of surfers wouldn't touch even if you paid them. Watching the worlds best in 1ft slop is mind-numbingly boring even for the most keen viewer.
Such a sad predicament that they simply can't find a way to move towards a "Quality Waves ONLY" model for the tour.
My strong opinion is that the worlds best surfers need quality waves to show us what they are really capable of, and show just how far their level is above the average surfer.
13 year old kids can do airs as good as JJF, Toledo, etc in 1ft slop as the waves don't allow for REAL-Surfing. Send those kids out to Pipeline or Cloudbreak and they wouldn't even be in the same world, let alone the same league.
My last trip to Indo we were surfing a reasonably heavy left of shallow reef and we all thought we were doing pretty well.....Until a couple of Pros turned up. They suddenly showed us what was possible out there and we all had the same conclusion at the end of the session. Their level of surfing in Quality/heavy waves is so far beyond nearly all surfers that it's just ridicules to have a system that fails to show what these surfers are capable of.
Come on WSL, please realize you need to show these pros in real waves or you have no future in my opinion.

lilas's picture
lilas's picture
lilas Friday, 2 Apr 2021 at 7:05am

That year in Teapoo where is was maxing 15ft below sea-level tubes has been seared into my memory as one of the best [Surfing] things I've seen in my life. Guys dueling it out in life-threatening waves and Fucking charging it. If only they could repeat that shit!
Or the countless years of Cloudbreak, tripple-overhead and going bonkers, and seeing them do things on waves that I've never seen before. {A bit like JJF at main-Break WA doing carves no one was doing]
Good waves push the boundaries of surfing, not 1ft slop!

joesydney's picture
joesydney's picture
joesydney Saturday, 3 Apr 2021 at 10:05am

Ah yes I remember being quite chuffed that I was getting a few good ones at Maccas having convinced myself you could not possibly not take off deeper......enter Taj Burrow.....so time to retire the boat and watch the show....apparently it is possible to be deeper......

san Guine's picture
san Guine's picture
san Guine Friday, 2 Apr 2021 at 8:55am

Thanks DA, great report... saving me the effort (?) of watching the pros grovel

batfink's picture
batfink's picture
batfink Friday, 2 Apr 2021 at 9:36am

Cheers DA. I’m undecided about watching any of the heats, but if I do then Italo for sure. Worth it just to see what these guys can do in rubbish conditions that I often surf.

hilly's picture
hilly's picture
hilly Friday, 2 Apr 2021 at 11:22am

wow! a lot of talk of Italo but his heat score wasn't even in the top 5 for the day, in fact he would of got last place if he was in the heat with RyCal and Griff

epictard's picture
epictard's picture
epictard Friday, 2 Apr 2021 at 11:39am

That's not how it works; each heat the range resets and any previous heats should not be compared to it ... I did not watch the full day, just a couple of heats, but in past competitions they have drilled this into the viewers' mind so that people do not make comparison like the one that you are making.

hilly's picture
hilly's picture
hilly Friday, 2 Apr 2021 at 11:50am

What I was taught for surf judge accreditation is that each wave for the day needs to be recalled on and judged comparatively, which makes being a surf judge a lot harder than people realise

epictard's picture
epictard's picture
epictard Friday, 2 Apr 2021 at 11:53am

What if the conditions change?

Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch Friday, 2 Apr 2021 at 3:00pm

Yeah hilly, as far as the article goes, I guess it was more about Italo's approach and attitude than his scoring.

freeride76's picture
freeride76's picture
freeride76 Friday, 2 Apr 2021 at 12:07pm

also makes it nonsensical for the average viewer.

Standingleft's picture
Standingleft's picture
Standingleft Friday, 2 Apr 2021 at 2:09pm

I'd love to share my local sandbank with any of these pros let alone a heavy Indo left because they really are elite at this. hoping/praying/possiblysacrificingasmallmammal that Newy takes it up a cog so Jordy & Ozzy get a fair go but seeing pros carving stock standard Aussie nothing surf, I enjoyed it heaps more than I thought. I'm not canning JBay etc and fully agree bring back Cloudbreak it's off its tits but you could see the twelve year old alive inside Italo and the likes who had a crack and that's the Stoke my friends and if they're pros then they can faarken earn it sometimes

Westofthelake's picture
Westofthelake's picture
Westofthelake Friday, 2 Apr 2021 at 6:41pm

Heat Six from yesty. Entertaining Easter Friday re-cap indeed.

"..front side reverse, does those in his sleep"

Go RC.

Balbero's picture
Balbero's picture
Balbero Friday, 2 Apr 2021 at 6:45pm

Too good Standingleft,

Westofthelake's picture
Westofthelake's picture
Westofthelake Friday, 2 Apr 2021 at 7:17pm

Loved the Italo illustration above, hope you don't me giving it a little tweak :)

DA-italo-020421

Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch Friday, 2 Apr 2021 at 7:30pm

Haha I'm sure Macca won't mind Westy!

david 24's picture
david 24's picture
david 24 Saturday, 3 Apr 2021 at 2:29pm

Ha ! Fantastic Westy. Love it!

Westofthelake's picture
Westofthelake's picture
Westofthelake Saturday, 3 Apr 2021 at 4:14pm

Cheers fellas. As you can see I spared no expense and it took me a solid 10 mins to complete. All in the spirit of autodidacticism.

Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch Saturday, 3 Apr 2021 at 5:49pm

Tack on an extra 3 minutes for me to look up autodidacticism

Westofthelake's picture
Westofthelake's picture
Westofthelake Saturday, 3 Apr 2021 at 6:53pm

3 minutes?! Geez you're going to have to work on that ;)

Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch Saturday, 3 Apr 2021 at 7:06pm

I'll teach myself to go faster! Eh? Eh?

Distracted's picture
Distracted's picture
Distracted Friday, 2 Apr 2021 at 8:38pm

The speed Italo gets out of those mushy one footers is unbelievable!

juegasiempre's picture
juegasiempre's picture
juegasiempre Saturday, 3 Apr 2021 at 7:49am

Italo: King of the 1ft shorey. I enjoyed watching him go absolutely fucking mental. He's really a cut above in these conditions and indeed, most conditions.