Breaking: WSL Rejects Toonalook Invitation To Host ‘CT Comp

Ding Alley
Ding Alley

As the WSL extricates itself from the Lennox Head tangled-web of its own making, and the story leaps the surf-media containment lines into the world of regional breakfast radio, a new revelation has come to light that adds another layer of intrigue to the already head-scratching world of professional surfing.

Documents leaked to Ding Alley recently show that a delegation representing Toona’s Council, boardriders club, and various local business interests approached the WSL a week ago with a comprehensive proposal for hosting, “a major Mens’ and Womens’ WCT event at Toonalook Point, with surrounding breaks as backup locations, thus helping legitimise the WSL’s efforts to create a meaningful Australian leg of the World Tour in these unprecedented times.”

Local councillor Aaron Patch, who’s also a life member of Toona Boardriders, was the driving force behind the proposal, and spoke with Ding Alley this morning.

“We got word the Woz was looking for a new comp venue in the region, and of course our first reaction was ‘not in my back yard, pal,’ but – maybe it was the second-hand smoke we were ingesting ‘cos Cornell was choofing away – we got talking about it, and 40 minutes and a few scoobs later, we agreed to do our very best to let the WSL know what a ripper location Toonalook would be for ‘em.

“The way we looked at it was – well – we had two things in mind. 

“Firstly, it’s a surf comp, right? So that means surfers competing, surfers judging, surfers doing the running around, keeping the show rolling – all surfers. We’re surfers too. There’s enough argy-bargy in the world between strangers, so let’s extend kindness to people we kinda know, even if only by virtue of digging the same gear.

“Secondly, The Woz needs a location – we want to help with that – but it makes sense for everyone if the hosts – that is, us – can actually host the event, rather than just stand by and witness the fabrication of a parallel world designed to keep the participants disconnected from the punters, a world that then gets dismantled a fortnight later, and may as well never have been were it not for a degraded dune line. 

“So, here’s what we put to the Woz.”

“We’ve got what you need, and we’d love to help out ‘cos, pretty much, you suckers haven’t been able to catch a break.

“Given we’re all surfers, given we’ll be your host, and given these weird Covid times, let’s skin this cat a little differently.

“Assuming all health protocols (and then some) are workable, here’s how it’ll go down.

“No entourages. No sleep coaches, no chaplain, no personal chefs, no errand boys, no personal filmers, fluffers or wax/sticker appliers, no conditioning or performance coaches. Just surfers, judges, a coupla admin crew, webcast crew. 

“All surfers and Woz staff are to be billeted with local surfers and families, and are expected to contribute in ways any grateful houseguest might: chip in for groceries, cook dinner every couple of nights, run the vac or the lawnmower round, that kind of thing.

“Each host is accountable for his or her guest surfer’s conduct in the community, and in Toona’s various lineups. Therefore the firmer the friendship and stronger the understanding  between host and guest, the more graciously the visitors will weave themselves into the social fabric during their stay.

“Seeing as there’d be approximately four days of competition in a fortnight’s window, all visitors – from competitors to judges to administrative staff to commentators – will have ten days’ downtime with which to advance the cause of professional surfing.

“With the WSL in desperate need of as many wins as it can get right now, we’ve planned out a program that’ll legitimately endear them to this small community. 

“Thanks to the ongoing barrage of east swell, there’s a shit-ton of plastic on the beaches north and south of here, which alone would keep the entire Woz contingent occupied, but our Landcare group need a hand planting a few thousand Koala-habitat eucalypts that were burnt out last year, and the lantana along the foreshore needs to be shown who’s boss. 

“The Toona Aged Care centre’s always after volunteers to come and hang out with residents for a bit. Here’s where the webcast commentators will come into their own on the lay days: Joe Turpel will call the bingo, Barton Lynch will read stories to the bedridden while Potts will lead nostalgic singalongs in the main hall, such is the ’89 World Champ’s fondness for reminiscing.

“The council’s road crew are still playing catch-up, fixing all the potholes after the floods – a few strapping young pro surfers, just for a few days, would give ‘em the workforce to get ahead of the curve.

“It’d all prob’ly be good for the surfers too, I reckon. Like throw Gabe Medina on the end of a shovel in hi vis for a coupla arvos and his perspective on existence might be enriched no end. 

“Oh, and part of the conditions of the program – all surfers’ social media accounts are frozen on lay days. So if they’re picking up rubbish or planting trees or performing some service, they won’t get tempted to turn it into a self-promoting, ego-stroking, brand-building exercise. 

“It might have been a while since they’ve simply done something purely for the sake of the task itself, without any digital cock-a-doodle-do-ing, so some of them may struggle with this concept, but we think they may discover a real freedom in, say, disposing of collected beach plastic in a bin without first making a mandala of it.

“And it goes without saying the Woz itself is prohibited from similar opportunistic suckjob storytelling. No clips showing a pro (who snapped two boards earlier that morning) clutching a clipboard on a beach looking concerned or what have you. 

“As for the contest itself, there’ll be no insfrastructure on the beach other than that supplied by the local boardriders for the judging staff and beach marshall. Competitors and their hosts will hang in the carpark for the most part. Depending on the forecast we’ll allocate blocks through each day where punters are encouraged to get out there for a coupla, and for the first few rounds at least, we’ll trial a system where hosts can paddle out when their guests’ heats are running and pick up any waves the competitors don’t want. 

“Surfers knocked out through the event will be required to see out their fortnight here as honoured guests, and continue to contribute to the wider community in the manners described earlier. We believe it’s impolite to bail when circumstances change.

“Being paid to surf is a hard-won privilege. Yes, there’s much work involved to reach this position, but it remains a privilege. Being a gracious, generous guest is the best way to share that good fortune

“Our proposal looks to create a situation where, at the conclusion of the fortnight, an enriched and grateful Toonalook community will be genuinely sorry to see the WSL leave and look foreard to their return, and the WSL, for their part, are armed with a vision of how it might win the long game.”

Our sources can confirm that the WSL’s early response to this proposal – an ‘expression of most excited and sincere interest’ – instantly turned to stony silence and a refusal to take calls when the billet roster revealed that a certain Mr E. Logan was to be put up by a certain Mr B. Cornell.

// DING ALLEY

Ding Alley is Illustrator David @maccatoons McArthur and Writer Gra Murdoch

Comments

amb's picture
amb's picture
amb commented Friday, 5 Feb 2021 at 3:03pm

All good apart from "Potts will lead nostalgic singalongs in the main hall" you wouldn't wish that on your worst enemies.

Blowin's picture
Blowin's picture
Blowin commented Friday, 5 Feb 2021 at 3:47pm

I can just picture Pottz ego- jiving to “ Walk this way “ whilst the nans and pops adjust their hearing aids.

Spuddups's picture
Spuddups's picture
Spuddups commented Friday, 5 Feb 2021 at 3:04pm

Gold. Barry would set the record straight in about five seconds. "Listen up you faaaaarken' caaaaaarnt!"

regularfoot's picture
regularfoot's picture
regularfoot commented Friday, 5 Feb 2021 at 3:18pm

GOLD!!
There's the possible future of Pro Surfing right there.
I reckon Ace would be on-board for this.
I could see Mikey with a shovel on a road gang and maybe get Peter Mel to host a trivia nite at the local Bowlo as well.

Pops's picture
Pops's picture
Pops commented Friday, 5 Feb 2021 at 4:44pm

Could see Kaipo doing beach cleanup to be fair.

He who hesitates is lost

surfiebum's picture
surfiebum's picture
surfiebum commented Friday, 5 Feb 2021 at 3:19pm

Absolutely brilliant.

mattlock's picture
mattlock's picture
mattlock commented Friday, 5 Feb 2021 at 3:29pm

5 Gold Wozzles.

aussieguy's picture
aussieguy's picture
aussieguy commented Friday, 5 Feb 2021 at 3:35pm

"Joe Turpel will call the bingo". - ha ha ha. That would be gold and I can just imagine it going down. I can see the oldies loving it.

gearoid's picture
gearoid's picture
gearoid commented Saturday, 6 Feb 2021 at 9:29am

The oldies would be pissed off because he would use boring anecdotes punctuated by recently invented corp-surf buzzwords to string one bingo card's worth of excitement out for a whole weeks worth of bingo.

Blowin's picture
Blowin's picture
Blowin commented Friday, 5 Feb 2021 at 3:48pm

Epic . Thanks Ding Alley

NDC's picture
NDC's picture
NDC commented Friday, 5 Feb 2021 at 4:31pm

More wisdom in that writeup than I've read since the turn of the millenium. Fixed the Woz in less than 1,000 words...
Maybe your best ever DA - or at least alongside https://www.swellnet.com/news/ding-alley/2020/08/27/womans-fitness-mothe...
Thanks guys

Pops's picture
Pops's picture
Pops commented Friday, 5 Feb 2021 at 4:44pm

If only....

He who hesitates is lost

adam12's picture
adam12's picture
adam12 commented Friday, 5 Feb 2021 at 4:58pm

Gabs on the shovel with Charlie standing there stressing that he's not digging fast enough.

Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch commented Friday, 5 Feb 2021 at 5:12pm

That's the thing, there'd be no Charlie! No entourage! (But Chuckles would probs find a way hey.)

seaslug's picture
seaslug's picture
seaslug commented Friday, 5 Feb 2021 at 10:06pm

Gabs and Charlie, haha

andy-mac's picture
andy-mac's picture
andy-mac commented Friday, 5 Feb 2021 at 5:26pm

If only!!!!

Botak

wiseautogas's picture
wiseautogas's picture
wiseautogas commented Friday, 5 Feb 2021 at 5:42pm

sounds eerily similar to how a contest would be run in south oz

john wise

AndyM's picture
AndyM's picture
AndyM commented Friday, 5 Feb 2021 at 5:53pm

The Wozzle should employ you two and I'm not entirely joking.

tubeshooter's picture
tubeshooter's picture
tubeshooter commented Friday, 5 Feb 2021 at 6:10pm

faark Imagine drawing Joe Turpel in the billet.,for 14 days,, no faaarking way on this earth I could survive that.. At least Gabs might be a little quieter after a day throwing hotmix around.

Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch commented Friday, 5 Feb 2021 at 6:27pm

I reckon Joe'd be good value, personally. I'd get him to commentate bits and pieces of my day on command: “Always fun to see Gra attack breakfast, super crisp delivery of not one, not two but SEVEN Weet Bix into the bowl... the milk shows up...." etc

tubeshooter's picture
tubeshooter's picture
tubeshooter commented Friday, 5 Feb 2021 at 6:56pm

haha yeah I think I can see that.
" now he's put it all on the line,, and making soft boiled eggs . Shows you what skill this man has , really mixing it up here today , it's so refreshing to see , it really is what breakfast is about."

Jono's picture
Jono's picture
Jono commented Friday, 5 Feb 2021 at 7:27pm

Start trying it on with the Mrs and then you hear Joe start commentating from the corner of the room.

Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch commented Friday, 5 Feb 2021 at 7:49pm

As long as Pottz isn’t there to bang on about how rough and tumble lovemaking was back in the day

Jono's picture
Jono's picture
Jono commented Friday, 5 Feb 2021 at 8:04pm

Possibly something about the seeding round, and finishing on the bricks.

Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch commented Friday, 5 Feb 2021 at 8:07pm

sneaking through the doggy door, etc

Jono's picture
Jono's picture
Jono commented Friday, 5 Feb 2021 at 8:45pm

Amongst all this inuendo, I'd like to say... good work Gra, great piece.

tiger's picture
tiger's picture
tiger commented Saturday, 6 Feb 2021 at 8:51am

Joe: And that's a completion for Gra, while his wife goes incomplete.

Pottz: You simply can't make those errors at this level. Back in my day....blaaa...blaaa....blaaaa...........

Westofthelake's picture
Westofthelake's picture
Westofthelake commented Friday, 5 Feb 2021 at 7:08pm

Bonus feature Friday. Didn't expect that one. #Loveyawork DA.

.cylinders's picture
.cylinders's picture
.cylinders commented Friday, 5 Feb 2021 at 7:18pm

I've been pretty negative on the recent WSL shenanigans, but this really strikes a chord with me. I know it's partly satire but the whole concept is actually really really good. It'd change pro surfing from the inside out in the best of ways.

Well done DA.

Sheep go to heaven's picture
Sheep go to heaven's picture
Sheep go to heaven commented Friday, 5 Feb 2021 at 8:39pm

"Digital cock-a -doodle-doing " Haha classic
Straight to the pool room !

Roker's picture
Roker's picture
Roker commented Friday, 5 Feb 2021 at 9:56pm

Gosh! Superb.

This makes so much sense. A proposal in perfect sync with the temper of the times. In direct contrast to Starkey and Elo - Aaron Patch and co. have really ‘read the room’ in putting this together.

I say move the whole show from Santa Monica to Toona and put Patch in charge.

Seymour Scagnetti's picture
Seymour Scagnetti's picture
Seymour Scagnetti commented Friday, 5 Feb 2021 at 9:56pm

Great piece Ding Alley.
Equally entertaining exchange Jono, Gra, TS......Has Gary really left the building? Left you’s hanging!

tango's picture
tango's picture
tango commented Friday, 5 Feb 2021 at 10:19pm

There's a business plan that can't fail. 10/10.

There's also a bit of fodder in there for a slow-mo replay, I'd imagine.

tubeshooter's picture
tubeshooter's picture
tubeshooter commented Friday, 5 Feb 2021 at 10:31pm

classic , Jono's one about finishing on the bricks had me in stitches. I give that a 10.
oh yeah not a bad job either Gra and Macca,, on the whole thing , still, I would have loved to have seen Maccas take on Gabs on the shovel.

Bob Sacamano's picture
Bob Sacamano's picture
Bob Sacamano commented Friday, 5 Feb 2021 at 11:13pm

Fantastic. Anyways.....how do I get a job as a wozzle fluffer?

rrr's picture
rrr's picture
rrr commented Saturday, 6 Feb 2021 at 7:17am

BEST YET ! loving comments too .

Roker's picture
Roker's picture
Roker commented Saturday, 6 Feb 2021 at 8:40am

That drawing made me laugh. Love what Baz has written on his placard. And that's gotta be Patch holding the surfboard? But 'Je suis Joe Turpel'? No! Vous allez trop loin là les gars!

Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch commented Saturday, 6 Feb 2021 at 11:06am

Hey Roker: The fella holding the board is our mate Arty Cook: https://www.swellnet.com/news/ding-alley/2020/05/29/man-possibly-traumat...

Roker's picture
Roker's picture
Roker commented Saturday, 6 Feb 2021 at 10:50pm

Ah hah. Cheers Gra. Of course! Gotta say I’m with Baz as far as Arty’s concerned. I just can’t warm to golfers. But Macca’s typically excellent artwork suggests that Baz and Arty have put away their differences in service of the greater good. And we can all warm to that.

san Guine's picture
san Guine's picture
san Guine commented Saturday, 6 Feb 2021 at 8:41am

My wife reckons Joey Turps gets a priapism whenever he mentions the hallowed name "John John", so maybe he could sleep in the bungalow out the back...

R00ney's picture
R00ney's picture
R00ney commented Saturday, 6 Feb 2021 at 8:45am

Nice one fella's and i agree, as satyrical as it is, what if?
Sounds like a winner.

That bonus 'sexion' down through the comments with the community input really finished it.
10s across the board.

gearoid's picture
gearoid's picture
gearoid commented Saturday, 6 Feb 2021 at 9:32am

Someone says it every time, but this is definitely the best one yet. For a while there i started thinking it could really happen.

Aussieinsweden's picture
Aussieinsweden's picture
Aussieinsweden commented Saturday, 6 Feb 2021 at 10:37am

Gra and Dave, this one is in my top three, the writing, illustration as well as the hilarious comments inspired by your work! An absolute crackup but as many have mentioned above, imagine if.
10/10!!!
You have both been a shining light in this last Covid shit year. Always stoked to see a new post from you guys. Thanks.
PS. You are creating an amazing series that will be reread and remembered!

Island Bay's picture
Island Bay's picture
Island Bay commented Saturday, 6 Feb 2021 at 11:11am

Thank you DA and fellow commenters. Funny, clever, and intelligent.

leighpr's picture
leighpr's picture
leighpr commented Saturday, 6 Feb 2021 at 7:21pm

Awesome stuff DA, lets make this a reality for the Newcastle event. As a Newy local I'd like to offer my house to "Safety Sage" Erickson to billet at. I've got a couple of odd jobs around the house that she can do in her active wear.....

zenagain's picture
zenagain's picture
zenagain commented Saturday, 6 Feb 2021 at 9:25pm

Sorry Leigh, way ahead of you. I've booked a corner room (ocean view) at the Novatel, pre-paid for a bottle of their third most expensive bottle of champagne and somehow managed to wrangle a late check-out. Sage is mine I tells you. MINE you got that?!

https://www.swellnet.com/news/ding-alley/2020/07/30/the-woz-rumbles-back...

1173

tubeshooter's picture
tubeshooter's picture
tubeshooter commented Saturday, 6 Feb 2021 at 10:36pm

If I had my choice I'd take Strider , Given access to his waterproof communication devices ,I'd have that caarnt patrolling the line up from sun up to to sun down on his days off, no matter what the conditions,

Crab Nebula's picture
Crab Nebula's picture
Crab Nebula commented Sunday, 7 Feb 2021 at 7:32pm

..And Interferences will be dealt with by the local heavy.
Just when I thought you could not top the last one, you produce another gem. Is this the best one yet?

velocityjohnno's picture
velocityjohnno's picture
velocityjohnno commented Sunday, 7 Feb 2021 at 8:28pm

Really liked your take on staying in the community and being part of it. Almost like a foreign exchange student billeted with a local family - and the responsibilites.

Before you know it, you are trying to sing (badly) 'You've lost that loving feeling' in front of a Japanese high school...