The Newcastle Cup: Day Three - Meowcastle

Ding Alley
Ding Alley

By 3.30 this arvo, your Ding Alley creative team still had no idea what ‘toon we were gonna come up with today. Text messages had been bouncing between our respective coasts, until Macca suggested, ‘What about Alice in Wonderland, with Morgan Cibilic as the Cheshire Cat and JJF as Alice?” 

Sounds good to me. After all, it’s the talking point of the day, the Newy rookie with the teen-idol grin out-railing a perplexed JJF in surreal ambush. 

So I texted him back. “Sure, let’s do it, but I think we need Joe T as the caterpillar.“

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the ONLY relevance today’s title (and illustration) have with any part of this article. 

You shouldn’t be surprised by this lack of cohesion. Ding Alley’s quasi-surf-journalism caper is a total rort really. Let me explain.

Back in the day before the interwebs, real journos and writerers would take themselves to the beach in question, notebook in hand and start journalisming. Some would lurk in the shadows, low-profile observers and eavesdroppers, others would go Gonzo, place themselves in the story. Regardless of their line of attack, they’d be there, observing the real thing unfold.

And while real, on-site journalisming is still a thing, this writing-about-a-webcast schtick is more commonly practiced, and it’s one where a writer needn’t get out of his or her pyjamas to get the job done. Which is kind of lame when you think about it. 

Sometimes, though, even this easy-peasy comp caper has its challenges. Your correspondent kept tabs on the first chunk of today’s action on a draining-battery iPhone – one bar of 3G leading to multiple freezes and dropouts – in waiting and consultation rooms of the local Medical Centre, accompanying a beloved family member through a rough ol’ time.

Didn’t help that the Covid mask was steaming up me bloody specs, but hey, Ding Alley’s a professional outfit, and we soldier on despite less-than-stellar circumstances, which feels like a decent segue into today’s comp.

The good news is – and it’s worth reminding ourselves of this, as how quickly we forget – that we have ourselves a contest! Groms pestering their heroes for autographs, pulling faces and throwing shakas behind the post-heat presser plexiglass, the drone of the beach commentary, a moderate crowd on the sand. Zillas waving flags in a slightly menacing way, It’s all reassuringly ‘normal’

The less-than-good news is, day three of the Newy Cup’s not gonna be one for the books. 32 of the world’s best surfers throwing spanners at each other in middling to mediocre waves. Though, as Kanoa sensibly observed later in his post heat presser, “You can surf this wave as hard as you want, ‘cos it’s always coming back at you.” 

And it’s the coming-back-at-you dynamic of this little rocks-break that makes the comp entirely watchable. It may not be Keramas, or Snapper or J-Bay, but at least there’s lots of rides to watch.

A positive mindset is required through such a marathon day of heats, and here’s where the fresher faces of the commentary squad prove their worth, to wit: Laura on the sled in the first heat sharing her excitement about the tide going out, Richie in the booth nine heats later celebrating the fact the tide’s coming back in. 

When one considers that the oceans of the world are in constant tidal shift – (Laura’s preferred outgoing, Richie’s favoured incoming, back to Laura’s preferred outgoing, etc) –  it’s good reason to be perpetually cheerful. 

Just something to keep in mind if you find modern life getting you down.

Righto, to some uninspired notes on a few heats:

OK, so when Gabby steamrolled Connor O’Leary like a Panzer tank in the day’s opening heat, and the camera cut away to his missus on the beach, you had to spare a thought for stepdad Chuckles, watching the Wozcast back home in Brazil. I picture him, standing in the living room, barefoot with his jeans rolled up, ready to dive through the portal of the screen, appearing out of nowhere on the Newcastle sand for a hug and a boardchange.

I’m mentioning Frederico versus Ace in heat two, because otherwise it’d be forgotten forever by everyone. How’s this, we’re FINALLY in the guts of an Honest-To-God ‘CT event in Oz, after fuck-knows how long, but given our exposure to epic clips on demand, etc, elite-level-jerseys doing three whacks to the beach in underhead surf isn’t captivating as it once was. Still amazing surfing, but we’re so well fed with content these days. Anyway, Ace found himself needing a high six as the clock wound down on his heat, and, some might speculate, career.

Now, it may seem like D.A zeroes in on Joe Turpel with unfair and malicious intent, and it’s true his role as hyperbolic straight man makes him an easy target, but we like him a lot, and it’s with great affection that we draw attention to his claim midway through heat three (Flores unexpectedly falling to de Souza) about “some of the best coffee in the world here at Merewether.” Therein lies the greatness and weakness of Joe’s act: relentless sunny praise that, while it often cannot be factually argued against, is largely bullshit fluff anyway. We say this with love.

Missed the Jack and Jules heat due to various doctors yammering away, but did manage to catch Jules having a decent crack at some post-heat shade-throwing, conspicuously calling Robbo a ‘kid’, and warning “Ya gotta get out of my way if I’ve got priority and there’s one minute left.” Oooh! Feisty!

Get home with a dead phone to catch the back half of the JJF / Morgs heat. Not a lot to say really, other than, “beware the wounded competitor”, which the commentary team will reliably recite ad infinitum. A bummer to see JJF go down, as we’re denied the spectatorial pleasure of more Newy heats, but here’s to the continuing feelgood story of Morgs and more reason for Cheshire grins from the young fella.

Similarly, we didn’t pick Wade-O the Pie Man to scoot past Seth Moniz. Goes to show!

Maybe this is some Joe T-level sunny optimising, but when the waves are ornery, maybe it brings the competitive aspect more to the fore, because the back half of the day features some intriguing-enough tussles, not to mention a welcome swell pulse in the last two heats. 

Given the unexpected outcomes of the previous two heats, it felt like R-Cal was never totally safe against sponno wildcard Crosby Colapinto, but good to see the beloved local lad back himself at the death. 

A similar pattern with Miggy Pupes scaring Owen, and the big fella needing to show his mettle to squeak through, turning up the intensity of backhand hooks when needed. 

Gotta say though, Miggy’s always had such a great style, and it seems he’s perpetually thwarted by small margins.

Particularly pleasing to Ding Alley’s ear is Bugs’s inability to say ‘Miguel’. There’s daylight between Bugs and the next best commentator at this comp, but to hear him say ‘Migwell’ a dozen times is a delightful reminder we all have our verbal tics.

At this stage, possibly emotionally tuckered out by a morning spent in the QLD health system, or possibly by witnessing too many four-point rides, Ding Alley kinda threw in the towel on the old note-taking and giving a damn.

Jacko Baker gave it a nudge against Italo, but no surprise result; Griff Col (heir apparent to Ace Buchan as best tactical claimer) took Bourez out; Ethan Ewing misfired against the People’s Republic’s Kanoa; Heat 12 between Deivid Silva and Caio Ibelli was… I don’t even care to be honest - one of ‘em won. Big dog Jordy and Orange-Is-The-New-Black Conner Coffin, bullocked their way through (good to see Conner get a roll on). Yago-Chris Cornell-Dora threw thingy of the comp to remove Jack Firestone, and Filipe ToldYaSo looked incredible over a valiant Leo.

And we’re done diddly done.

Actually, one last thing. Something interesting happened in the last few heats. I don’t know if it was planned, accidental or opportunistic, but some clever WozCast camera person or director set up a slo mo cam on the shorey, and shot in tight on the surfers’ faces as they completed their step-off closing moves. The late arvo light was perfect, and there were some REALLY interesting replay studies of unguarded emotion and intensity. Whoever was responsible should get a gold star, as it was that rarest of things – a new view on this pro surfing racket. Well played, whoever you are.

// DING ALLEY

Comments

tiger's picture
tiger's picture
tiger Thursday, 8 Apr 2021 at 6:26pm

Is Yago Dora the love child of Chris Cornell and Carlos Santana?

Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch Thursday, 8 Apr 2021 at 6:35pm

Good call. I think so. Here's a bit of trivia. Not sure if you've read any of Ding Alley's non-Woz, Toonalook-based gear, Tiger, but conjuring the protagonist's name ... it was always gonna be 'Barry' but was searching for a suitable surname when Chris Cornell's 'Seasons' came up on my playlist – and Baz Cornell was born. Whacko!

tiger's picture
tiger's picture
tiger Thursday, 8 Apr 2021 at 6:53pm

What am I, "chopped liver"?
I'm a Toonalook tragic!

thermalben's picture
thermalben's picture
thermalben Thursday, 8 Apr 2021 at 7:14pm

Much better than Barry Corgan or Barry Vedder.

Though, political pundits might have enjoyed Barry Farrell. Rolls off the tongue too (just like a glass of '59 Penfolds).

Andrew P's picture
Andrew P's picture
Andrew P Friday, 9 Apr 2021 at 9:41am

Ha! Mates used to call him Farry O'Barrel

helmet-not-hose's picture
helmet-not-hose's picture
helmet-not-hose Thursday, 8 Apr 2021 at 6:43pm

For fuck's sake, does Morgan Cibilic come from Merewether or not??

I've also heard him called a Yamba local, 500 kms away, so how does that work?

benjis babe's picture
benjis babe's picture
benjis babe Friday, 9 Apr 2021 at 5:58am

Morgan grew up at Yamba , moved to newy with the fam (for work)when he was 11 or so..was living at newy when he qualified for the tour..parents still owned their Yamba home so I guess he relocated back to Yamba in 2020

MRsinglefin's picture
MRsinglefin's picture
MRsinglefin Friday, 9 Apr 2021 at 7:32am

Wolloweyah (Angourie) born and moved to Newcastle when he was 12

andy-mac's picture
andy-mac's picture
andy-mac Thursday, 8 Apr 2021 at 7:30pm

Love ya work!
Thanks...

belly's picture
belly's picture
belly Thursday, 8 Apr 2021 at 8:14pm

I quite liked Luke's story about 16yo Sunny telling them they're crazy for rocking off at 10ft Merewether and he paddled from the beach and was out the back before them.
Joe then went on to take the piss about the apparent need for Australians to rock off. Was funny.

tubeshooter's picture
tubeshooter's picture
tubeshooter Thursday, 8 Apr 2021 at 9:38pm

haha ,, Chuckles would have been absolutely frothing in the shorey this week. Poor bugger . But probably even worse for his neighbours dog every time he whistled Gabs about an incoming set.

rj-davey's picture
rj-davey's picture
rj-davey Friday, 9 Apr 2021 at 9:22am

not thinking of Felipe's ol man Riccardo? he loves a good whistle

Solitude's picture
Solitude's picture
Solitude Thursday, 8 Apr 2021 at 9:51pm

Still can’t believe they gave Morgan a 9!
Granted he made his waves count.

batfink's picture
batfink's picture
batfink Friday, 9 Apr 2021 at 10:13am

Well, it was the best wave of the day and ridden to perfection. Thought his other wave may have been a bit high, and when he threw that one down they had to go bigger.

No question that the result was correct, so no real issue with the score.

savanova's picture
savanova's picture
savanova Thursday, 8 Apr 2021 at 10:29pm

I've got an uncle the same vintage as bugs who spent a fair bit of time surfing the Goldy when rabs on tour. He has the same vocabulary which you could listen to like your mother's heart beat for hours on end. Must have been something in the water or weed.

servant's picture
servant's picture
servant Thursday, 8 Apr 2021 at 10:35pm

Oh fellas yet again another screamer. Thanks for the much needed laughs today.
Hope all is well with the loved one vs the medical stuff.

"Migwell"...isn't that something you do with an appropriate apparatus to 2 pieces of metal?
Gotta love Rabbit. He is a class act from way back, him and MP being chines (china plates) etc.

But your 'coo de Gra' (correct French spelling eludes me), I reckon your best ever to date....."heat 12 between D. Silva and C.Ibelli was... I don't even care to be honest - one of 'em won".
Absolutely gold. For me the kind of laugh that brings tears to the eyes over and over again!
Just sums up for me the whole 'Brazilian weather pattern' thingy...i.e., "attack of the clones"?

Good on the youngens for their incredible ability to do the aerobatics. Leaves me bewildered. I love what Simon Anderson told Pottz back in the 80's....."Martin we surf on the waves not above them". Haha

Poor old Joe T. I too love the guy, but perhaps some one close to him has to gently tell him to...I don't know... pull his head in a bit?...that the only way he could say more, to an Aussie audience, would be by talking less? Maybe the rest of the world just love him so much regardless?
I reckon more Luke Egan and both Blakey brothers in full sibling rivalry? Ronnie and the 'other one' were both on site. Or bring back Sean D and Reg for the oz Ripcurl events?

Anyway, literally, thank you LORD, for the condensed heat replays.
I'm now for armed. Thanks again.
God Bless you and them all above, for putting on the show.

JackStance's picture
JackStance's picture
JackStance Thursday, 8 Apr 2021 at 10:45pm

you cunts are all gold.

sangsta's picture
sangsta's picture
sangsta Friday, 9 Apr 2021 at 1:12pm

Hoping family member OK and phone is recharged. Thanks again for a great wrap up.

shoogsyboy's picture
shoogsyboy's picture
shoogsyboy Friday, 9 Apr 2021 at 3:19pm

Looking at the contest setup on the beach at newcastle it looks as though the vip tents, 8ft high temporary fences and all the bullshit in between have not been necessary. Am I wrong? Are they hiding the infrastructure somewhere away from the beach? Anyway we can always hope that all that crap extraneous to actual surf comps is gone forever in a new slimmed down version of the circus. So not looking forward to fences and lockouts over here in WA.

kang's picture
kang's picture
kang Friday, 9 Apr 2021 at 4:45pm

Was told the event was 'sold out' and I needed a ticked. Managed to sneak right through, so yeah completely unnecessary