Best Uplift sledges here!

wc's gland is so small the hubble cant find it.

You know you're getting old when you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

Ya beat me to it Wogland, a thread where we can all get in a circle and kick Upskirt, Zen haven't you been cautioned before about your sledging and online bullying?
Wogland, leave reecen alone, Ben will give you a caution for going off topic.

I think you're confusing me with someone else Shauno.

Never even been subjected to a mild reprimand. I generally like to treat people as I like to be treated. Uplift got abusive and personal with me, so rather than swim down to the bottom of the pond with him, I chose to indulge him and his love of sledging with some cheerful observations of my own. It's nothing personal and I'd be happy to buy him a beer, but he was uncharacteristically short on words after that.

Plus, I miss my friend Whaaaat, he had sledging down to a fine art.

I know all that zen, just having a dig. As you know I do not let truth or logic influence my personal opinions.
Where are you Upskirt, thought you would have jumped in by now, seeing as finally it's all about you.

What the fuck are you knuckleheads doing? No wonder Semi Pro Surfing is such a ludicrous debacle, if you buffoons are a cross section of surfing. You dimwits can't even figure out who the fuck you are trying to sledge, and have turned on each other like a pack of mangy jackals. Now you're all blubbering and snivelling about being bullied and told off, in full view of the public. This isn't just a reflection of your own sooky, imbecilic behaviour, you numbskulls are making surfing look like a haven for packs of nancy boy gimps.

I was thinking of trying to teach you idiots the art of sledging, but seeing as you can't even concentrate for long enough to figure out who the fuck that you are actually attempting to sledge, let alone sledge, which all can plainly see that you are even more useless at, I have realised that it would be like talking to a banana.

What you have all been party to is a master sledger in action. Without even lifting a finger, or uttering a word, I have made you all turn on each other like a bunch of jibbering, lost, aimless cork heads... my brilliant work here is done!

I'm sorrry uupddrafft this tthreaad is soouly for the sledling of upskaret ssooo fuck off if you have anyy thung noice to say about yaself, bloody toolhead.

Morris are you talking in slow mode for that fella to understand??

Im not really getting this one at all, I don't think I should be involved, my fault sorry

CU

sorry, was on the turps, back on the wagon now:)

JLS . Bump .....

The 'kings' gimp! All snuggled up between his legs.

Where's Big Wayne when you need him?

Probably under a bridge some where, I think his missus found out what he got up to on the internet and beat the crap out of him.
Or he may have rebranded himself an goes by the name OC

More likely to be the former …..

shaun wrote:

, I think his missus found out what he got up to on the internet and beat the crap out of him.
Or he may have rebranded himself an goes by the name of " The Big O"

Shaun you have excelled yourself here , If there were SN literary prizes . You'd have just won one ....
And here i thought Morris had it over you ... The Big O , doesn't realise your relationship .

We're just good friends, there is No relationship.

Morris is the sobering Yin to Shaun's raging Yang. They complement each other perfectly.

It's pretty funny though seeing Shaun get pissed off cause Morris has hid all his Easter eggs.

I've yet to hear a complement from that old bogan, I'm getting a bit tired of being mr nice guy

My money is on uplift in a sledging competition!

Just got back from the TAB, dodging golf ball hailstones up here, that was intense.
What an amasing storm cell.

Anyways "Agent Bourne" is paying great odds at the moment, with sledging such as "fuck are you knuckleheads " "you buffoons " " You dimwits " "pack of mangy jackals" "you numbskulls" "nancy boy gimps" "aimless cork heads." and to top it "it would be like talking to a banana".
Personally I haven't heard such great old school 'Ozzie' sledging techniques for awhile like that, but its a dry track at the moment and wet farts could be a downfall here.

man hailstones are nuthin ...........ive been dodging ping pong balls.

Ping pong balls... I've been dodging blobs of surfer dudes melbourne

My money is still on uplift welly. He's well trained and as a stayer he's suited to the distance. I grant you his acceleration is not what it was and he may lack subtlety in a close finish but, let's face it, it's a weak field with no proven performers and the handicappers have done some of us no favours in the weight department.

Whaaaat Towers over him ...

'Whaaaat Towers over him ...'

Ludicrous... talk about scraping the barrel southerly. At least try and maintain something that resembles dignity.

He turned tail, dropped to his knees and crawled off half way through my warmup. Seemed like a good bloke. An Al Downer type. Totally useless sledger... ashtray on a motorbike (sorry bilinder, its science... that particle in out of existance phenomenon... blink and you'll miss it...)

Its all about the timing, and angles.

Thanks soufey... you idiot.

The thing is with your posts JLS , is you applaud yourself before you've finished .
I'd say your timing's Shot ...
Yes I'm scraping the Barrel , with my outstretched front hand , whilst riding backside .... the only thing thats scraping in your world is your knuckles whilst your getting flogged in the Shorey .

Oh for God's sake, just when you think it couldn't get any more feeble.

'I'd say your timing's Shot ...'

Sooner or later you'll realise no one gives a shit whaaaaat you say. In the mean time, you just keep booting the thing in the wrong direction, and dobbing goals for me. its your teamates I feel sorry for. Blinder did his best to shield you's, but he's stuck with a pack of losers.

'applaud yourself before you've finished .'

Thanks again Soufey.

I'd like to thank the Swellnuts team...

I hear your running for Governor in the States , Seagul ...
Speaking of running , I forgot to mention that you run like a gay/female version of Michael Johnson . "

ding,another round goes to uplift.

Uplift is a rapacious bellend.
Realsurf forum.

Ummm... I'm fairly new here...... Can someone please explain WTF this is about? A rather bizarre but intriguing read...... A very very strange thread......

Hang around and you'll start to understand Sheepdog. Better still, start scrolling through alot of the forums and articles over the past 12 months. It'll paint the picture for you.

Ooooo K...... :)

I'll help 'dog. If you notice there's another tragic topic on here, another extremely serious situation constantly plaguing surfees. Now they are actually publicly whining and squealing about being dropped in on and being harrassed, slapped and bashed by 10 year old kids. Admittedly most 10 year old kids are bigger than the majority of the top pros, although, also according the dimwits on here, that is supposed to be a major hinderance. Obviously, anyone who finds 10 year old boys and girls singling them out as drop in targets, or mere objects of harrassment and slapping, has only 3 choices. Go to the nearest gym ASAP, and build up their feeble frames. Or, leave the country, before any further humilation damages theirs and the credibility of surfing any further. Or, surf actual waves.

When I point out these numerous ludicrous debacles, as any normal person would, the 'surfees' go into a squealing frenzy, resulting in ridiculous topics like this.

Can you imagine this ludicrous, embarrassing topic being raised in the NFL, AFL, NBA, in fact any sport. No, of course not. Only surfing... 'we are ver worwlds mothst ewite afwetes... thumbowdy get vese vishthious, nathsty kidth ofth ov uthh!!!! Vey awe weeawy, weawy hurwting uthhh!!!!!!!!! Willw youths pay uth wots ov munny now?'

I think this should clarify things for now sheepdog.

Thanks, 'lift. So, in a nutshell, you are "fighting the good fight", so to speak.
And no , I couldn't imagine the topic you are referring to " being raised in the NFL, AFL, NBA, in fact any sport." Because a bunch of cornflake munching consumer driven urbanites paddling out to catch a few on a saturday morning is not a sport. Chalk and cheese my lifted friend...... Heats of 4 at a boardriders, yeah , a sport...... Slater v Fanning at snapper, yeah a sport.... Me going for a solo sesh down here in appleville? NOT a sport - a pastime, a recreation, a hobby..... Therein lies the conundrum of this thing we call surfing, Uplift, it's malleability........

There you go Sheepy, the man himself has come on to clarify his position in these forums.

I don't know why everybody thinks he's a wanker. I personally think he's a great bloke and over time have developed a great affection for him.

I also have him to thank for a couple of things in particular. The first one is he's managed to cure my insomnia and second, he's done wonders for my self-esteem.

I think these forums would be all the poorer without the big lug.

Keep an eye out for him Sheepy, he won't be far away and hot on his heels will be his nemesis, Stray-Gator. As I've said before, the sobering Yin to his raging Yang.

Hmmmm, I await with sincere interest, Zenagain........

welcome to " the circus " dawg .....

Uplift is the ring leader / fat controller . He owns more trains than Sir ToppenHat .

Apart from that this is the " alter ego thread " .

Uplift , denying science and generally supporting creatine , supplements and protein suppliers world wide ... Fuck it throw in a conspiracy theory or two while your at it ...

His Idol .... "

Gee, southwald, and all this time I've been watching my kitchen rules...... I' don't know what I've been missing ;)

'And no , I couldn't imagine the topic you are referring to " being raised in the NFL, AFL, NBA, in fact any sport." Because a bunch of cornflake munching consumer driven urbanites paddling out to catch a few on a saturday morning is not a sport. Chalk and cheese my lifted friend...... Heats of 4 at a boardriders, yeah , a sport...... Slater v Fanning at snapper, yeah a sport....'

And, agreed, you'd think thats true sheepdog. However, in Semi Pro Elite Surfing, untrained kids regularly flog the top, the elite 'pros'. If that happened in any of the other sports you mentioned there would be an uproar. Hell to pay, some untrained local kid flogging the top athletes in full view of the fans and sponsors.

But its much more entertaining. I've surfed for years, it always has been. Arguments, offerings like, 'look, weight training is bad, Bruce Lee didn't lift weights' . Yet when you prove, 'look yes he did, he loved them, and how they changed his body and fitness', or, 'muscle mass as you get older is dangerous', yet the easily provable truth is that loss of muscle mass is a major health problem in Australia's elderly, and increasing muscle mass is encouraged, especially as the Australian health system is overloaded to being unworkable in the near future. Or probably the most startling offering, the most ludicrous argument ever spewed forth in the history of surfing, RCJ, trained by athletic specialist Mozza, is the world's most powerfull athlete, which is obviously, well... then the swelling meltdown begins. Crazed swellnuts pour out of the woodwork.

In real life, the likes of gatesy, when those pesky kids aren't slapping him up and down the beach at will, never actually get to say anything, to anyone. This is the swellnuts world, where they have a voice, a life, the world that out of the goodness of my heart, when all others on the planet don't even notice them, I have created for them.

'cornflake munching consumer driven urbanites paddling out to catch a few on a saturday morning is not a sport.'

Just to inform you, Soufle' is actually a, cocoa pop munching consumer driven urbanite paddling out.

Lassie, Zenmaster is correct - usually this would be my cue for some sparkling repartee. Do my level best to turn the sow's ear that is Udsadaisy's prose into a silk purse. Polish the turd.

But repetition is, well, so repetitive.

All I can offer out of this most recent turgid piece of whale excreta is this: in fact, the most easily provable truth is that death is the major health problem in Australia's elderly.

However, in the case of this site's most prolific (and, ironically, its most elderly) contributor, brain death is the real issue.

To that end, best thing is not to encourage him, especially given that the Australian mental health system is overloaded to the point of being non-existent to assist the likes of the poor deluded old asshat.

Gather 'round sheepdog, have I got a story for you. Anyway it was a great clean swell quite a few years ago at b****s, on a Saturday too, 6ft+, a lot of onlookers, not too many out considering what a great day it was.. Anyway this young guy rocks up mid-morning, hungover, he doesn't mind a drink. Checks it out strikes up a conversation with a few of them, asks them if they've been out, none of them had. He's a bit cheeky this guy and says to one of them "forget your board again ****?" "No, I snapped it on the last swell you little smartarse" " what? The week before last?" "Yeah" " oh yeah which day?" "Ahh, the Thursday" " really? I was spent a few hours in the water that day, took the day off work, it was pretty good, but didn't see you out" "Oh Well, Maybe it was the Friday, who cares! You think I'm lying or sometin'? I'd be out out there today if I had a board" "yeah ****, I know you would, I've probably got a spare board in the car you could use" "nah, wrong size" "didn't tell you what size it was??" "Look you little runt, you're not even fit" "what? Never said I was" "if you think you're so fit and strong lets go and do a beep test and see if you beat me" "what are you talking about?? I just want to go for a surf, I'm not going to do a beep test" "yeah, pussy, knew you weren't up for it, I'm fitter and stronger than you, pro surfers aren't even elite athletes, they're not fit either, nfl players and black muscley guys playing in children's playgrounds are heaps fitter than pro surfers" "****, I don't give a shit about pro surfers! I don't even follow the comps! I just like going surfing, I don't give shit how fit I am! as long as I can get into a few of these bombs today that will be good enough for me, maybe you need to go and see a doc and get on some meds" "look, doctors don't know anything, just the other day one told me I couldn't eat a dozen eggs a day, what an idiot" "whatever, I'm going for a surf. See ya"
It was hilarious, this young cocky runt really got shown up, turned down the challenge of a beep test, instead to go out and get pitted. Knew he couldn't keep up and didn't want to be shown up and embarrassed. Yeah, he might have got some good pits that day, but he got on the piss the night before, went and ate a burger with the lot and a bag of chips after his surf and probably went to the pub again that night. Didn't even know he wasn't fit enough to be surfing those waves. What an idiot.
Meanwhile, **** went home and got up to 16.5 in a beep test, followed by a few sets of burpies. He sure showed the cocky little runt... Hilarious stuff.

There you go sheepdog. Uplift. can't surf. Raves on about shit that no one else on here gives a fuck about.

Don't forget the squats. Chicks dig squats.

Yep..... WAAAAAY better than my kitchen rules..... Who would guess that the North east corner of Hyde park is actually in the blow fly ridden boondocks of a country without a soul..... Some of the philosophy I have read here in the past 24 hours rivals such great thinkers as this man - http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Technology/Pix/pictures/2011/1/10/12...

"Up", I note no comment, no cut and paste, a Scott Morrison boat people "need to know basis" tactic on my Malleable angle. You see, my friend who doesn't use stairs, surfing is like fishing. Some do it as a sport, some do it as a pastime, some as a lifestyle, some a necessity. And within fishing, you have muscle bound jocks landing Marlin, ego consumerists with all the latest gear, blokes like me on a far off jetty happy with a coupla flathead for me and the family, "Sportsmen" winning prizes, people milking the machine for all it is worth, hypocrites being "green" and close to nature whilst destroying and killing. "Pop will eat itself". In the words of that heck of a nice guy Joseph Stalin and echoed by paradox punk "capitalist" Malcom Mclaren, "Sometimes you have to destroy in order to create".

And Sir Lift, you write "Hell to pay, some untrained local kid flogging the top athletes in full view of the fans and sponsors." Hmmm, well, at this stage you stairwell dodging compatriot, I will amicably point out Martin Potter - Gunston500/pipe masters. A kid whips the pros. And the fledgling co orparate surfing machine celebrates a selling point... history repeats with wilson/slater in a shareholders scam...
But during a weekend "pastime" session, a young naturally talented surfer upstages some aging mediocre label wearers..... well that's no different to the youngkid on the jetty giving the old guy the shits cos' he landed a 12 lb snapper on his second cast... Suck it up... There's stuff out there like cancer, mangled bodies, and all of this is just trash from self important troglodytes like me, like you, like the lost lizard, the lost lizard, the lost lizard , whoops, hit the repetition button ;).
Anyway, I gotta go now, before I do a big fat grogan on the carpet, man :o) ( just jokes guys - just jokes - loved the story grogga....

' will amicably point out Martin Potter - Gunston500/pipe masters. A kid whips the pros. And the fledgling co orparate surfing machine celebrates a selling point... history repeats with wilson/slater in a shareholders scam...'

Exactly. Thats why they don't, wont, and never have been paid like other elite professional athletes, who would never be publically trounced by some untrained kid.

Fuck me, it never ends does it...

"Exactly. Thats why they don't, wont, and never have been paid like other elite professional athletes, who would never be publically trounced by some untrained kid".

Well...... firstly, "untrained" - Shouldn't it be "self trained"? Has a young kid who has never stood on a board publicly "trounced" a professional surfer? Does spending from the age of 7 to let's say 16 learning the ways of the ocean, duckdiving, weight transfer from ball to heel count as "self trained", or "untrained"?
Second.... Bums on seats, sir lift.... Bums on seats...... Capiche? Soccer - billions of fans..... played by billions of people, watched by billions of people = billions of dollars........ Surfing, or it's equivalent, lacrosse, a simple backwater pastime/sport running on a pittance by failing co orparations.....
Bums on seats, Sir lift, bums on seats...... Capiche? ;)

'Does spending from the age of 7 to let's say 16 learning the ways of the ocean, duckdiving, weight transfer from ball to heel count as "self trained", or "untrained"?'

Exactly like all kids do in the sport of their choice. And many can spend many more hours practicing than surfing, as lack of waves is no issue. However, there is a vast difference between them and truly elite athletes. That's what puts, 'bums on seats...... Capiche? ;)'.