The Newcastle Cup: Day Four - Barrywhether

Baz Cornell
Ding Alley

G’day Caarnts,

Baz Cornell here, fillin’ in for that Murdoch bastard. Those Woz farkers are always gettin’ ex-world champs in the booth, so I‘ve decided to give yas the insights ya can only get from a two-time Toona Boardriders club champ  (’89, ’92) 

Did the three-scoob drive from Toona to Newy last night, crashed in the back of the car a block back from the connest site. First thing I see this morning is Bugs dragging himself into the booth for the early Wozcast shift. Those caarnts need to show a bit of respect. Farken Ronnie ‘n’ Richie should call the first coupla heats an’ let the old boy throw down a cooked breakfast and a coupla flatties to wake up. Poor bastard looks shot to bits.

Next thing I see there’s this shiela gettin’ interviewed by that kid with the chick’s name, (farken’ Stacey Gaylbraith I believe) I thought for sure she’s a groupie after a bit of early-mornin’ pro surfer action, turns out she’s fucken RUNNIN’ THE SHOW! Like, she’s makin’ the FUCKEN’ CALLS. For a moment I thought maybe I’d had a head-on on the M1 last night and had crossed over into some alternate uni-farken-verse. 

Chicks in charge. I’m all for it, ‘specially if they’re sorts.

The ocean looks pretty alright this morning – about farken time April showed up ay. This setup they’re at, it’s no Toona Point, but it does the trick. There’d HAVE to be better waves nearby, for SURE, but this wave kinda grows on ya I reckon. And an all-day B-grade option beats two hours of A-grade up the beach I s’pose. 

Connests, can’t have ‘em with a few farken compromises.

Anyway, heat starts and Medina just goes all crash-test-dummy in the shorey for the first half of his heat against that Fred fella. There’s farken Andy King and Dog Marsh, their respective ‘Master Coaches’ sittin’ there, more like farken ‘Master Baters’ if ya ask me. I’m like, this pro surfing caper’s a farken joke, this Medina guy’s a kook, and then, like a minute or so before the hooter he drops this farken floater into the death shorey that’s farken ridiculous, and I’m like, yeah, there ya go. Farken Siiiick.

Honest to God, I dunno what to make of this Medina caarnt. Does me farken head in. Like, he’s a farken machine, rips an’ all, but then he comes in after his heat, knowin’ everyone’s watchin’, turns back around to the ocean, reaches his arms out and does this weird, theatrical blessing / benediction thing, to God or Jesus or whoever, which is fine, but ya know, fark, if I had the Almighty favouring me by His Providential Hand, I’d keep it a bit more on the downlow? Like, I’d be grateful to the Big Guy, but a bit embarrassed too, like, “Thanks Heaps and all, but I’ve got a few world titles and fabulous wealth and a hot missus and Chuckles off my back, so if you wanna go hurl some healing thunderbolts at the 26 million refugees currently seeking to stay on their own Dream Tour instead, I would be TOTALLY farken cool with that.”

But, yeah, I farken know, it’s just what ya grow up surrounded by ay. Nothing determines ya faith a millionth as much as the geo-farken-political lottery of where ya get spat out into the world… And I swear I heard Gabs use the word ‘Mate’ in his post heat yarn, so he’s orright in my book. 

If Gabs takes the win tomoz, I wanna see him spit the winkle on the podium.

Next up, farken Jules against that li'l de Souza fella. Now, if someone wants to get me on Team J-Dub, I reckon I can get him to bring home a world title no wukkas. Basically, this boy finds himself in no-man’s land as far as his two key sponnos goes: Imagine, you’re paid good coin to promote Red Bull AND Bonsoy… how farken confusing would that be before a heat? Energise with the fizz or the froth? Mix ’em? No wonder there’s times he just drops anchor and catches fuck all – probably tryna remember if he whacked the kiddy lock on the Red Bull fridge. It’s cool to enlist the kids to schlep the Bonsoy, but Red Bull’s not the go for the littlies hey, unless you wanna wire ‘em for life.

Deadset, that Morgs fella DOES look like a Cheshire Cat ay. The fairytale continues against that Wade fella who I SWEAR looks like Boofhead the Tiler from back home, who we give ALL SORTS of shit to for looking like that Alf character from the tele back in the day. So we’ve got this cat versin’ this sitcom space puppet and I haven’t even farken sparked up me morning scoob yet. It’s farken MENTAL what these guys are doing on these waves – especially on the shorey.

Ya know, maybe one or two of these pros might come over as sheltered, entitled caarnts, but they’re remarkably skilled sheltered, entitled caarnts. An’ I’m just farken jealous is all.

Yeah, look, I’m not sure about this next heat. Two farken bean pole goofies. I reckon if Owen’s two scores had come in the back end of the heat, rather than right at the start, those sixes woulda been higher, and the result a lot closer. But that R-Cal, geez, did a layback coverup at the end that brought a tear to me farken eye. Shoulda been a ten not a mid three. Like to see those judge caarnts go out and do that. 

Always looks a bit clubbed, does that R-Cal fella. Check his Newy promo piece to camera, you’d swear he’d been hanging with … me!

Fucken Italo or Eetalo or EEEEEEEtalo. Sure, his whizzies were sick AF, but did ya catch his crotch grab? Comes into the shorey, whizzes it up, lands it, points to the judges, then grabs his balls, right in front of everyone. I thought, there it is, there’s that WozCast Bingo ‘Italo Injury ‘Box ticked off, but nah, he’s just ruling. I’d fucken KILL to get this caarnt up to Toona for next Sunday’s presso night at the Bowlo. He’d fit right in with the boys.

On the drive down to Newy last night, pulled into Maccas for the first time in ages and copped the full up-sell. Thought I was back in the Maccas drive-through again hearing the WozCast commentators relentlessly upselling the farken Trestles final series today. Those Elo or Arty Ziff Caarnts definitely sent a memo out to all staff to sell the fark out of the format, and just like Maccas, some staff are better at turning on the enthusiasm. “Sell, you caarnts!”

Gotta admit, I kinda take me eye off the farkin’ ball when Deivid Silva and Kanoa Igarashi go at it. Had Igarashi pegged for the win, he’s captain consistent ay, but that Zilla earns the win with his drydock reo, and much as I dig Kanoa, it’s a bit of poetic justice in light of what’s going on with those poor Uighur batsards in the Xinjiang province.

There’s this little farken moment in that heat that shows how good these caarnts are. It’s not even a scoring wave of Kanoa’s. At exactly 8:17 before the end of the heat, Igarashi does this little flickout, just ollies over the lip. It’s not a big deal, a blink-and-you-miss-it kinda thing, but check it out on the (full heat) replay. These caarnts are so dialled, makes me sick.

Ya can see how the Newy crew love this little wave hey. The dropping tide’s making these fun double ups, reminds me of Rockbreak up at Burleigh, where the local caarnts are caarnts after me own heart. But on a day like today, there’d have to be a hundred corners all doing their thing. East Coast. April. Sub-farken-lime.

So Big Dog Jordy’s been in third gear all event and loses the drag race with Conner Coffin. That Murdoch prick reckons CC looks like an extra from Orange Is The New Black, but I reckon he looks like that caarnt who went off-grid. That Jon Krakauer caarnt wrote a book about him  – what’s his name – Alexander Supertramp. Garn, Google Image search ‘Alexander Supertramp’ and tell me that’s not farken Conner. Dunno exactly why, but I’m stoked to see this Seppo caarnt get through. Good Caarnt. Into the Wild, into the quarters.

By the time the last heat – Yago versus ToldYaSo is on. I’m in me car headin’ home to Toona, via Macca’s. Me money’s on the Brazillian.

Thanks for havin’ me Newy. I felt truly welcomed and embraced as a visitor. If ever you’re up Toona way, don’t farken expect the same ya blowin.

Nah, you’re alright.

// BAZ CORNELL

Editor’s note: Baz is driving north while the Gal’s go back out for the Quarters. He sends his apologies, but Friday night’s Parma Night at the Toona Tavern and some things cannot be missed.

Comments

rrr's picture
rrr's picture
rrr Friday, 9 Apr 2021 at 4:40pm

haha . that last bits crack me up .

calk's picture
calk's picture
calk Friday, 9 Apr 2021 at 5:20pm

Lost it at “it’s a bit of poetic justice in light of what’s going on with those poor Uighur batsards in the Xinjiang province” and the ‘RCals only’ shirt.

Blowin's picture
Blowin's picture
Blowin Friday, 9 Apr 2021 at 6:14pm

The Kanoa bit was just trounced- just- by the “sitcom space puppet”....holy fck. Had me in stitches. At first it was purely the brutally accurate assessment of Alf himself, then it doubled down when I realised that Wade does look exactly like Alf. Fuck....I’m still giggling.

BTW - Barry is all over it. Seems it’s been too long since we saw considered Bugs, PT and Peter Drouyn determined to legitimise the pisstake of getting paid to go surfing. It’s always been a pisstake and it’s still a piss take. The clever thing is that the more the surfers play up to their part by hiring coaches etc the more effective the ruse becomes.

Tommy Carroll woke up to the death of his sister and still went out and destroyed pipe to win the world title, MR tamed heaving Waimea Bay just to cement his legacy, whilst Rob Bain paddled out post-durry just to secure his burgeoning job prospects and now I’m supposed to believe that Gabby Medina needs a professional fluffer just to goose him for a three foot Newcastle Shorey .....get farked you carrnts!

Blowin's picture
Blowin's picture
Blowin Friday, 9 Apr 2021 at 6:19pm

Best moment of the day was when Keely Andrew finished her post heat interview and the boys and girls behind the plexiglass glass backing lost their shit and gave her a huge cheer.

Westofthelake's picture
Westofthelake's picture
Westofthelake Friday, 9 Apr 2021 at 6:22pm

Great review. Might go back and watch a few heats.

I reckon reckon that Baz fella's an alright caarnt. (checks to see how many a's in caanrt)

Sprout's picture
Sprout's picture
Sprout Friday, 9 Apr 2021 at 6:37pm

"So we’ve got this cat versin’ this sitcom space puppet and I haven’t even farken sparked up me morning scoob yet. "
Champagne.

Jono's picture
Jono's picture
Jono Friday, 9 Apr 2021 at 7:13pm

Next level shit considering Alf was always trying to eat the family cat.

Westofthelake's picture
Westofthelake's picture
Westofthelake Friday, 9 Apr 2021 at 7:32pm

How good is it having a RC v. MC Quarter Final.
Shame one of 'em has to go 'cause as much as I want to RC to go all the way, I've always had a soft spot for cats.

andy-mac's picture
andy-mac's picture
andy-mac Friday, 9 Apr 2021 at 7:40pm

Farkin funny as fuck carnt....
Johanne Defay's reaction to Carissa's air was highlight for me ..
Great sportswomenship....

Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch Friday, 9 Apr 2021 at 7:46pm

Yeah that was a moment hey, Pro surfing shone brightly right then.

D-Rex's picture
D-Rex's picture
D-Rex Friday, 9 Apr 2021 at 7:52pm

Sensitive new Baz concedes 'An’ I’m just farken jealous is all.' The old Baz would have bragged that he'd 'combo the farken lot of 'em'.

tubeshooter's picture
tubeshooter's picture
tubeshooter Friday, 9 Apr 2021 at 9:30pm

Perhaps the Woz could consider Baz for a slot in the commentary box . Although putting him in the same room as Joey for 5 min could jack up the corporations health insurance plan costs not to mention the extra security.
And nice touch with the magpie Macca , looks a bit stoned but I can just see it swooping any competitor Baz took a disliking too. I imagine it's going to be a hell of a job cleaning bird shit off his cars headrest after that trip..

matt.evans's picture
matt.evans's picture
matt.evans Saturday, 10 Apr 2021 at 6:26am

Keeps getting better! So many hilarious lines. I can hear his voice so clearly as I read it

batfink's picture
batfink's picture
batfink Saturday, 10 Apr 2021 at 7:40am

Sub-farken-lime!

Farkin spell check doesn’t like that farken word, has to correct it farken twice.

Unfortunately Baz, there will be no winkle spitting.

JackStance's picture
JackStance's picture
JackStance Saturday, 10 Apr 2021 at 8:07am

Can someone tell this caarnt ya can't spit the winkle without a restaurant window to do it on.

Ya just gonna do it off the podium stage? sounds like pissin in the wind - it'll end bad.

However, that big piece of wozzel perspex,.. well there's ya mark kids. Jackson Pollock that shit up.

mitchvg's picture
mitchvg's picture
mitchvg Sunday, 11 Apr 2021 at 7:45pm

A reference to Uighurs and Krakauer but confuses Japanese with Chinese hahaha righto Baz

Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch Sunday, 11 Apr 2021 at 8:04pm

You'd think someone with such a keen sense of territory would have a better grasp on geography wouldn't you? Jeez...