Baz Cornell Achieves Airbnb Superhost Status

Ding Alley
Ding Alley

In news that shows even the most unlikely late starter can thrive in Australia’s dynamic and largely unregulated gig economy, Toonalook enforcer Barry ‘Baz’ Cornell has this week been awarded Airbnb Superhost status, as his rustic backyard bungalow proves a hit with visitors looking for the authentic Toona experience.

Ding Alley visited the Cornell residence to offer our congratulations and were greeted at the door with Mr Cornell’s customary spray of invective, which brought de facto wife Sharyn to the door with a spray bottle of her own.

“It’s citronella, mostly, with a bit of witch hazel,” Ms Cornell told us as she sprayed her partner in the face with three successive blasts. “Bazzles hates it but it shuts him up quick smart. 

“Doesn’t it, Luv? Doesn’t it shoosh you up like a good boy?!

“Now, outside! Go on! Go play with your magpie.”

And with her suitably chastened partner dispatched to the backyard, Ms Cornell invited Ding Alley in for a cup of tea and to take us through their successful hospitality enterprise

“Well, as you can imagine, when I put the suggestion to Bazzle a couple of years back that we could make good money converting the granny flat into an Airbnb, he didn’t exactly leap at the idea.

“He said he’d rather die than make it easy for any more effin’ blow-in C’s to come stay at Toona, and there was no effin’ way in hell he’d ever be convinced otherwise and that was the effin’ end of the effin’ matter. That it was a matter of effin’ principle, and someone had to draw a line in the sand to maintain effin’ sanity here at Toona.

“I said that was a shame, ‘cos I’d heard the Moore family up the road were getting like 250 bucks a night for that tiny little unit under their house that only sleeps two, and with a touch up and lick of paint, we could get 300 bucks a night in summer, easy.

“By the time I finished the sentence, Bazzle was reversing out the driveway in a cloud of dust, headed for Bunnings, and a week later we were open for business!

“Like any new enterprise, we had a pretty steep learning curve. Well, not so much for me, but, you know our Bazzle, he’s got his … quirks, so the first few months were a mixed bag.

“The first booking we ever had, I was out doing some running around when the guests were due to check in. Got home a few hours later and there was no-one there, except Baz looking pleased with himself. He told me proudly how he’d checked them in exactly like I coached him to, then ‘gave the blow-in C’s five minutes then went out and told ‘em to eff’ off back to where they came from’.

“The poor love, you should have seen his little face when I explained that guests were actually supposed to stay for the night, or else we wouldn’t get their money. He just stared at me blankly, like a dog being shown a card trick, before I saw that dim light of understanding register. 

“So it really was baby steps with Bazzle. Like, I always bake muffins for our guests. The first few times I asked Baz to take ‘em out to the guests he’d just go to the back door and throw ‘em at the bungalow hard as he could while yelling ‘here’s ya effin’ treats ya blow-in C’s’.

“But the penny dropped when the money started coming in, and Baz could see the link between hospitality and the ol’ cashola. 

“Like, as long as I’ve known Bazzles, every morning he’s given hell to all the #vanlyfe crew who’ve overnighted at the point carpark. Nowadays, he still gives ‘em shit, but he’ll also hand ‘em a flyer for our place.

“He even insisted on baking the muffins once for a couple he took a particular shine to, a lovely retired couple in their sixties. We had to give them a full refund as they spent the whole weekend in a state of cannabis-induced paralysis. So no more baking for Bazzle.”

At this point, Sharyn grabbed her iPad and scrolled to the ‘Cornell Cottage’ page on Airbnb. 

“The early reviews weren’t all that flattering, like, they’re generally two or three stars at best, and a lot of guests expressed confusion.”

  • “Asked for directions to the best beach for surfing and was given an elaborate map to URBN SURF in Melbourne. Odd.”
  • “Insisted on waxing my board as part of the service. Claimed he didn’t know he was using soap.”
  • “Weird, how can a person tell me ‘Welcome to Cornell Cottage’ one moment, and just two hours later be punching the fins out of my board because I ‘looked at his wave funny’?”

“But, as you can see, our reviews improve through 2020, It’s the strangest thing, but copping shit from Bazzle kind of became part of the attraction. Like you haven’t had an authentic Toona visit if Bazzle hasn’t told you to eff off.

“Not sure if it started off with inner-city lefties being ironic and postmodern, but people actually started recommending Cornell Cottage on the basis of Bazzle’s grumpiness. One guest wrote of ‘a quaint gruffness not without a certain eccentric charm’ – like Bazzle was some kind of fictional character or something.

“And so now we’re offering Airbnb Experiences that can be as authentic as you care to make ‘em, no matter what your budget. Low level verbal abuse for all guests is complimentary, but for a small fee Bazzle will single you out in the lineup for special attention, right up to the premium package – a physical altercation on the beach, which we’ll document with authentic shaky phone footage and tag you on our socials.

“To be honest, I’ve never seen Bazzle so motivated! He’s always coming up with new ways to improve the experience. Like, now, as a follow up service, he’ll call guests up a fortnight after their trip, wrap a hanky around the receiver and threaten to kill ‘em if they ever come back to Toonalook. And the return bookings are strong.

“So strong, in fact, we’re thinking of building one of those Tiny House things, double our income. Do you reckon you need council permission, or can you just whack one up?”

// DING ALLEY
Ding Alley is Illustrator David @maccatoons McArthur and writer Gra Murdoch.

Comments

Standingleft's picture
Standingleft's picture
Standingleft Wednesday, 17 Feb 2021 at 2:00pm

Hahaha. Low level verbal abuse is complimentary. Classic. For a sec there I thought Sharyn was sending Baz outside to play with his wombat

zenagain's picture
zenagain's picture
zenagain Wednesday, 17 Feb 2021 at 2:41pm

Oh fuck, seriously, that had me in stitches.

Roker's picture
Roker's picture
Roker Wednesday, 17 Feb 2021 at 3:09pm

Nah. Obviously the rave reviews and repeat customers are down to Sharyn. Oh là là!

Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch Wednesday, 17 Feb 2021 at 3:18pm

It's a brave fella who lets his gaze rest on Sharyn a moment longer than is discrete.

batfink's picture
batfink's picture
batfink Wednesday, 17 Feb 2021 at 3:26pm

But Gra, I was only looking at her muffin!

Muffins, muffins!

Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch Wednesday, 17 Feb 2021 at 3:27pm

Tell that to Baz mate!

Westofthelake's picture
Westofthelake's picture
Westofthelake Wednesday, 17 Feb 2021 at 5:41pm

Haha you mean Bazzle!

Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch Wednesday, 17 Feb 2021 at 5:43pm

It takes an even braver soul to call him Bazzle. No-one but Sharyn can get away with calling him that.

Roker's picture
Roker's picture
Roker Wednesday, 17 Feb 2021 at 5:46pm

De facto wife? I’d be makin’ an honest woman of ‘er Baz. And tooty effin sweet!

Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch Thursday, 18 Feb 2021 at 5:07pm

Imagine the wedding vows.

batfink's picture
batfink's picture
batfink Wednesday, 17 Feb 2021 at 3:28pm

Nicely juxtaposing the ‘not in my backyard’ push factor with the ‘there’s a dollar in this’ pull factor.

Who knew they could co-exist so harmoniously.

Roker's picture
Roker's picture
Roker Wednesday, 17 Feb 2021 at 3:42pm

Yeah so much for principle. Baz and Sharyn got a taste and just getting started? Toona the new Byron? Lennox area?

dandandan's picture
dandandan's picture
dandandan Thursday, 18 Feb 2021 at 9:19am

If I could get this this in the hands of all the whinging old timers complaining about crowds while they've got two AirBnBs booked out 300 days a year and have subdivided a block they bought for $60k in the 90's into a dozen $200k plots for townies to build shacks on....

D-Rex's picture
D-Rex's picture
D-Rex Wednesday, 17 Feb 2021 at 3:33pm

Wonder how Baz will react to a weekend visit by an LGBTI couple.

zenagain's picture
zenagain's picture
zenagain Wednesday, 17 Feb 2021 at 3:42pm

No worries I reckon. I think Baz holds everyone in equal contempt.

Roker's picture
Roker's picture
Roker Wednesday, 17 Feb 2021 at 3:57pm

Yep.

original smith's picture
original smith's picture
original smith Wednesday, 17 Feb 2021 at 4:26pm

Easy to imagine the misspelt merch an' all...

Too fuck off, or not too fuck off, that is the question:
#toona-dont-fucken-look-at-my-wave

Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch Wednesday, 17 Feb 2021 at 5:45pm

Shall I compare thee to a fuckin' Summer's day? Thou art more fuckin' lovely and fuckin' temperate, etc

original smith's picture
original smith's picture
original smith Saturday, 20 Feb 2021 at 8:21am

Phuk me! Verbatim of William's first verse is quite apt for ol' Baz.

To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles

Boogie woogie's picture
Boogie woogie's picture
Boogie woogie Wednesday, 17 Feb 2021 at 5:24pm

I love baz a man after my own heart GET FARRRKED YA BLOWIN CARRRNTS ,

rrr's picture
rrr's picture
rrr Wednesday, 17 Feb 2021 at 5:30pm

hahahaaa the best laugh iv had . classic. awesome gra !
toona-dont- look, ya caaarnts.
bazza should look to scrub toona off any google maps so no caaarnt can find it .

andy-mac's picture
andy-mac's picture
andy-mac Wednesday, 17 Feb 2021 at 5:32pm

Another ripper!!!!
Thanks...

Westofthelake's picture
Westofthelake's picture
Westofthelake Wednesday, 17 Feb 2021 at 5:46pm

Classic stuff.

How about a Baz-inspired Toona-themed Airbnb franchise?...cashola ka ching!

tubeshooter's picture
tubeshooter's picture
tubeshooter Wednesday, 17 Feb 2021 at 6:44pm

haha .On Song as usual .
Even the magpie seems to share Bazs' lack of enthusiasm towards the punters.
Giving a good review of this place on the internet would mean Baz has failed in his attempt to create an authentic no bullshit experience, free of those costly extras like courtesy , clean linen and toilet paper.
Reminds me of Hotel Bastardos in "A fist full of travellers cheques" by the Comic Strip. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=da1e8zXGLqc ..

Elliedog's picture
Elliedog's picture
Elliedog Thursday, 18 Feb 2021 at 6:44am

A Baz Cornell cartoon series would be epic

Jono's picture
Jono's picture
Jono Thursday, 18 Feb 2021 at 6:59am

Gra - I'm assuming Baz was probably quite active (back in late 90's / early 00's) in the Toona Point comments section of WannaSurf?

Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch Thursday, 18 Feb 2021 at 8:08am

I never had the pleasure of partaking in that forum, but I immediately have a strong sense of it given your assumption!

Jono's picture
Jono's picture
Jono Thursday, 18 Feb 2021 at 9:01am

Well the comments for each surfspot are an amazing snapshot of when surfing first met the world wide web, exhibit A:

https://www.wannasurf.com/spot/Australia_Pacific/Australia/SA/Eyre_Peninsula/blackfellows/comment/index.html?wdaction=lib.WDPageComment.show&page=12

exhibit B:

https://www.wannasurf.com/spot/Australia_Pacific/Australia/SA/Eyre_Peninsula/blackfellows/comment/index.html?wdaction=lib.WDPageComment.show&page=11

...and so on, for pretty much every surf spot in the world. None of this secret/sensitive spot bizzo, just show every spot - with a map and description, and squabbling locals.

Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch Thursday, 18 Feb 2021 at 9:05am

Oh my GOD Jono. That's AMAZING! That's out-bazzing baz! Extraordinary stuff! Holy fark!

Jono's picture
Jono's picture
Jono Thursday, 18 Feb 2021 at 9:34am

Haaa it's a gold mine that website. Look up the comments for any sensitive spot - you'll lose a whole morning clicking around in there.

Gra to his P.A... "Jennifer, clear my diary please, something important has come up"

Pops's picture
Pops's picture
Pops Thursday, 18 Feb 2021 at 9:56am

Doesn't even have to be a sensitive spot...
There was a comment section gang-war between two factions of 12 y/o boogers back in the day over who were the real locals at a nearby "reef" (read: 2s long wave that flopped over a single boulder, only working in swells under 2ft & 7s... quite probably the worst wave in the area).

Is there a single spot on that site without the obligatory "I'll cut you if i ever see u caarrrnt" comment?

Craig's picture
Craig's picture
Craig Thursday, 18 Feb 2021 at 10:10am

Haha, endless hours of fun reading the comments!

dandandan's picture
dandandan's picture
dandandan Thursday, 18 Feb 2021 at 10:55am

Haha I love that every wave is described as the sharkiest wave on the planet.

Spuddups's picture
Spuddups's picture
Spuddups Thursday, 18 Feb 2021 at 11:16am

Nice work Jono. That's some internet gold there.

Henry's picture
Henry's picture
Henry Thursday, 18 Feb 2021 at 8:01am

Faaaaark – poor Baz, between the green cultivation, the air bnb empire, wozzle community engagement director you’ve outted him. Bet the taxman’ll come sniffing now

Standingleft's picture
Standingleft's picture
Standingleft Thursday, 18 Feb 2021 at 8:23am

Could imagine BC being a pretty serious Vintage Surfboard Collector. 'Thats not a Bolt ya caarnts this is a faarken Bolt' Where did his boards go when granny flat was put to work?

seen's picture
seen's picture
seen Sunday, 21 Feb 2021 at 11:16pm

More importantly where does he chop up now? The bong water stains on timber give it a nice patina....

Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch Monday, 22 Feb 2021 at 7:36am

The better we know Baz, the more questions are raised...

lilas's picture
lilas's picture
lilas Thursday, 18 Feb 2021 at 10:56am

Sounds like a crazy story but I have actually seen this type of scenario in real life....and it works!

There was a great sandwich shop in Brisbane back in the late 80's that was famous for a 4 inch salad sandwich which was served with toppings of abuse from the lady owner. Best fun was to get a late night sandwich during a night on the sauce, and listen to her write us off as a bunch of stupid drunk C*nts . Fits of laughter as she shouted things like " Look at the way you are dressed, you F*cken Nancy-boy, here's your sandwich, now piss off"

Craig's picture
Craig's picture
Craig Thursday, 18 Feb 2021 at 9:27am

Haha, classic!

velocityjohnno's picture
velocityjohnno's picture
velocityjohnno Thursday, 18 Feb 2021 at 9:46am

Love it!

Worked in a nightclub in the 90's and it would get to 3am, only a couple of drunks at the bar, manager would walk over and shut down the DJ, she'd turn the lights on and scream "Fuck OFF you CARNTs!!!"

Club shut.

braudulio's picture
braudulio's picture
braudulio Thursday, 18 Feb 2021 at 9:58am

Reminds me of when I lived in southern Europe and occasionally would frequent a bar owned by Iron Maiden and run by one their ex-roadies. Really out the way and impossible to find if you didn't know where it was.

Anyway one night Manu had had enough for some reason. There were only us in a booth and maybe a few others. He told us it was time to leave even though it was pretty early, maybe 1am. We protested and next thing we knew he was pointing a double barrel sawn-off over the bar at us.

Time to leave he said again. Needless to say we decided he was right and called it a night.

Next visit I worked up the courage to ask him what the fuck? He only barely remembered it but reassured me the gun wasn't loaded.

I also found out from others that this was perfectly normal when Manu wanted to go to bed.

Spuddups's picture
Spuddups's picture
Spuddups Thursday, 18 Feb 2021 at 11:20am

Would love to have a beer with Iron Maiden. It'd be a right Cockney barrel 'a monkeys.

braudulio's picture
braudulio's picture
braudulio Friday, 19 Feb 2021 at 1:26pm

Yeah definitely would be. Sadly, none of the times I was there coincided with the band being there.
Sorry to disappoint, no exciting brushes with rock star stories from me, will have to leave that to others.

BTW Gra I just tried to sort out a sneaky weekend away for the better half and I at Cornell Cottage and bugger me but they are booked solid for the foreseeable future. Couldn't put in a good word for a fellow Swellnetite could ya? Ta.

Spuddups's picture
Spuddups's picture
Spuddups Saturday, 20 Feb 2021 at 2:54pm

Yeah, I tried to book it as well but a message kept popping up saying "faaaark ooorfff ya carrrrrrrrrrnts, we're booked out!"

billie's picture
billie's picture
billie Thursday, 18 Feb 2021 at 10:20am

Best ever

Tooold2bakook's picture
Tooold2bakook's picture
Tooold2bakook Thursday, 18 Feb 2021 at 4:06pm

amazing. "Elaborate map to URBN SURF". lol

YoungOne's picture
YoungOne's picture
YoungOne Thursday, 18 Feb 2021 at 5:12pm

"He just stared at me blankly, like a dog being shown a card trick...". Perfect.

Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch Friday, 19 Feb 2021 at 10:52am

Have to confess, that line is stolen directly from the late comedian Bill Hicks.

stan1972's picture
stan1972's picture
stan1972 Friday, 19 Feb 2021 at 10:54am

You mean Sharyn stole it?

Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch Friday, 19 Feb 2021 at 11:21am

ahhhh, yes, that's it! ... t'was Shaz!
D.A was merely reporting!
Thanks for the pickup!

synchrodogcal's picture
synchrodogcal's picture
synchrodogcal Friday, 19 Feb 2021 at 1:07pm

"like Bazzle was some kind of fictional character or something"

haha!

thermalben's picture
thermalben's picture
thermalben Friday, 19 Feb 2021 at 1:16pm

Not sure if I'd prefer Bazzle or Basil hosting my AirB&B.

Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch Friday, 19 Feb 2021 at 5:47pm

both angry souls hey

tubeshooter's picture
tubeshooter's picture
tubeshooter Friday, 19 Feb 2021 at 2:58pm

Got me thinking about converting the garden shed into an AirBnB with some milk crates and an old mattress , so I showed the girlfriend this to get her opinion,,.
"Might be a worth a try", she said to my surprise
'Righto , cool ,I'll start drawing up the plans' , I thought out loud
"Not the BnB you idiot , Sharyns' spray mix",,
Harsh but fair.

Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch Friday, 19 Feb 2021 at 5:46pm

sounds like a keeper mate

tubeshooter's picture
tubeshooter's picture
tubeshooter Friday, 19 Feb 2021 at 9:47pm

I hope so , But we won't be visiting Cornell Cottage anytime soon. In fact we can't afford it now after her latest bulk purchase of citronella and witch hazel on ebay.

Lottolonglong's picture
Lottolonglong's picture
Lottolonglong Friday, 19 Feb 2021 at 8:57pm

Ha ha "premium package"

tubeshooter's picture
tubeshooter's picture
tubeshooter Friday, 19 Feb 2021 at 9:53pm

You want to hope Baz isn't working the reception desk while Sharyn ducks off to the shops. Might go a little something like this.

zenagain's picture
zenagain's picture
zenagain Saturday, 20 Feb 2021 at 8:47am

Ha ha! Love it.

Perennial favourite.

Crab Nebula's picture
Crab Nebula's picture
Crab Nebula Monday, 22 Feb 2021 at 8:45am

I can just picture Baz dealing with his cognitive dissonance of facilittating the influx of tourist in the water: How are they to know not to come to Toona unless they come here and get told to F..... Orff! Haha.

Another great instalment.

Goodwolf's picture
Goodwolf's picture
Goodwolf Sunday, 28 Feb 2021 at 11:47am

Another genius instalment DA.
How about a line of merch? Some of those characters are certainly worth adorning a hoodie.