Hopes For Outrageous Behaviour On Bucks Weekend Dashed By Too Much Good Surf

Ding Alley
Ding Alley

A much-anticipated weekend of tomfoolery for good friends Waz, Robbo, Corka, Dicko, Bif, Boxhead, and groom-to-be Shane-O has turned out to be a far mellower affair than forecast, with conduct barely approaching anything remotely ‘boisterous’, it can be revealed today.

Now nudging thirty years of age, and living in various locations along Australia’s eastern seaboard, the old high-school friends don’t get to see each other often as they’d like to, but take very seriously their vow (made at the end of Schoolies week, in 2006) to catch up annually for a weekend of regressing back to being mindless teenage fuckwits again. 

This year promised to be an extra debauched occasion, with Shane-O’s upcoming nuptials turning the trip into an unofficial buck’s weekend, thus raising the bar for lowering the tone.  

All keen surfers, the choice of Toonalook as destination was met with unanimous approval by the lads –– though in the weeks leading up to the trip, the prospect of surfing merited far less discussion than affirming their commitment to ‘going absolutely fucking nuts’ once free from the disapproving oversight of assorted GFs, partners, employers and, in the case of Bif (who still lives with his parents) … ah … parents.

Indeed, innocent campers had good reason to be concerned as the motley crew convened at the Toona River Camping and Caravan Park late last Friday afternoon where, amid backslapping man-hugs and cracking of beers, they set up their tents and swags while regaling each other with anecdotes of boorish carry-on from previous adventures.

As Noel and Marjorie O’Halloran, camped in a neighbouring spot told your reporter: “We just looked at each-other and went ‘uh-oh, here’s trouble’.

“We only caught snippets of what they were saying: there was something about nudie runs, hot coals, and someone named Bif being airlifted to a burns unit back in 2013 with his nutsack fused to his thigh. 

“Vomiting and pants-soiling seemed to be a common theme with these anecdotes.”

The lads’ first evening turned out to be unexpectedly uneventful. As man of the moment Shane-O explains: “With a solid weekend of debauchery ahead, we paced ourselves Friday night, just had a few quiet ones and a bit of a laugh. 

“If we’d known how the next 36 hours were gonna play out, geez, we might have gone bit harder,” he added wistfully.

The first impediment to a weekend of naughtiness-for-the-sake-of-naughtiness revealed itself with Saturday’s sunrise: clear skies, not a breath of wind, and a sparkling three-to-four-feet of easterly groundswell unloading on well-defined banks. By midday, our miscreant heroes had racked up nearly four hours of water time and were displaying the alarming early warning signs of mellow contentment.

Things only got worse after lunch. With the waves looking inviting a few clicks up the beach, a decision was made to ‘earn some lager credits’ and walk to the next surf session through the National Park. And despite their best efforts at puerile banter and geeing each other up, the scenic vistas unfolding along the walking track rendered them uncharacteristically hushed and thoughtful. 

Even the surefire anecdote about that time Boxhead was busted wanking twice in the same day at year-nine camp failed to ignite any meaningful heckling. 

And if the morning surf had taken the edge off the boys’ appetite for fuckwittery, the afternoon session up the beach – with A-frames textured and airbrushed by a gentle westerly – totally ruined them. 

To compound matters, the lads found themselves spending much of their three-hour surf in the company of a pod of dolphins.

As a clearly disappointed Shane-O told your reporter: “It’s hard to get your yobbo on when you’re sharing a lineup with a family of intelligent, sentient cetaceans. Cuntish carry-on just doesn’t feel right when there’s a pair of White Bellied Sea Eagles circling overhead… you can’t even raise your voice on the beach when there’s a joey looking at you from mum’s pouch three metres away without feeling like a dickhead.

“Honestly, those roos – those big gentle eyes just rob a man of all intent of being self-absorbed, loud and obnoxious.”

By 7.00 pm that night, the crew had made it to the Toona Tavern as had long been planned, but instead of inhaling beers at the bar, switching to silly drinks and morphing into a pack of screeching hyenas, onlookers testify this plucky band of brothers were barely able to get through their Parmas and chips, with Bif nodding off in his chair halfway through his meal, not from the sedative effects of liquor that famously and hilariously robs him of bowel control, but rather from being comprehensively knackered from a great day of surfing with mates.

“They got back from the pub early, and by 8:30 the only noise coming from their tents were snores,” neighbouring campers Noel and Marjorie O’Halloran tell us. 

“Oh, and a single fart.”

That solitary fart, allegedly emanating from Bif’s swag, represented the pinnacle of the weekend’s indecent behaviour. 

On Sunday the lads rose early and given their physical stiffness and fatigue from seven hours’ surfing the day before, found themselves conducting an improvised yoga class led by Shane-O on the beach before the sun had reached the horizon. 

And after brekky, a quick surf in the fading swell, pausing to forage for cowries along the high tide line, and relaxing in the shade with a cuppa to catch up on each other’s news, our heroes packed away their camping gear, along with several unopened cartons of beer (one of which they donated to a clearly stoked Noel O’Halloran), and dispersed back to their respective lives, surfed out, stoked, and quietly reassured that future catch-ups with the mates needn’t always involve carrying on like a pork chop. 

Not that they would admit that much to each other, however. After all, Shane-O’s wedding was only a couple of weeks away, and, oh man, they were sure to tie one on then.

// DING ALLEY

Ding Alley is illustrator David @maccatoons McArthur and writer Gra Murdoch.

Comments

sheep shagger's picture
sheep shagger's picture
sheep shagger commented Wednesday, 20 Jan 2021 at 1:13pm

"...airlifted to a burns unit back in 2013 with his nutsack fused to his thigh."

LMAO - that is awesome creative writing (I hope).

Blowin's picture
Blowin's picture
Blowin commented Wednesday, 20 Jan 2021 at 1:19pm

I feel like I immediately oughta binge watch the Hangover trilogy to cleanse my mind of the insidious joy found in a contemplative and sedate lifestyle.

Pops's picture
Pops's picture
Pops commented Wednesday, 20 Jan 2021 at 1:22pm

Funnily enough, that's the exact opposite of how my own bucks played out.

I've always preferred the solitude of a dawny to a big night out, and knowing that a couple of the guys' inclination to go mind-bogglingly hard would be turned up to eleven by the occasion, I came up with the cunning plan to camp down near a certain A-Grade south coast left, hoping a couple of long sessions would take the edge off. An unseasonal ESE seabreeze and 1ft of dribble thwarted that, and with the lack of anything else to channel their energy into the weekend culminated with the usual suspects getting weird to a level that'd make Todd Cairney blush.

He who hesitates is lost

sangsta's picture
sangsta's picture
sangsta commented Wednesday, 20 Jan 2021 at 3:47pm

The really great thing about the Ding goodness is it is just so bloody relatable. So many plans to go so hard it was scary, only to be calmed by the best nature can serve up.
Toona, Everywhere on the Australian Coast........

Thanks so much team

mattlock's picture
mattlock's picture
mattlock commented Wednesday, 20 Jan 2021 at 3:49pm

5 Gold farts.

rrr's picture
rrr's picture
rrr commented Wednesday, 20 Jan 2021 at 3:52pm

brilliant

Stef_Olly's picture
Stef_Olly's picture
Stef_Olly commented Wednesday, 20 Jan 2021 at 4:12pm

I thought the illustration was pretty funny before reading the article, but then in reading the article I read snippets like...

"there was something about nudie runs, hot coals, and someone named Bif being airlifted to a burns unit back in 2013 with his nutsack fused to his thigh."

And... "Even the surefire anecdote about that time Boxhead was busted wanking twice in the same day at year-nine camp failed to ignite any meaningful heckling."

Absolutely lost it... hahahaha!! GOLD!!! Well played Ding Alley, well played! Cheers for the clean out laugh!

zenagain's picture
zenagain's picture
zenagain commented Wednesday, 20 Jan 2021 at 4:12pm

Still smiling.

Made my afternoon.

1173

andy-mac's picture
andy-mac's picture
andy-mac commented Wednesday, 20 Jan 2021 at 7:48pm

Oh, And a single fart...
Brilliant yarn... !!
Chuckled for whole story.

Botak

chris.binns's picture
chris.binns's picture
chris.binns commented Wednesday, 20 Jan 2021 at 8:14pm

I love when you read about Boxhead getting busted wanking twice in one day in high school you automatically know that the exact scenario happened to either Gra or Macca back in the day. So which one of you two was it then eh lads?

Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch commented Wednesday, 20 Jan 2021 at 9:04pm

We only crashed into each others orbit at TAFE mate. But in a parallel universe it would probs be me

Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch commented Wednesday, 20 Jan 2021 at 9:04pm

We only crashed into each others orbit at TAFE mate. But in a parallel universe it would probs be me

mattlock's picture
mattlock's picture
mattlock commented Wednesday, 20 Jan 2021 at 9:13pm

Post twice. Wank twice.

tubeshooter's picture
tubeshooter's picture
tubeshooter commented Wednesday, 20 Jan 2021 at 9:15pm

Busted

zenagain's picture
zenagain's picture
zenagain commented Wednesday, 20 Jan 2021 at 9:30pm

Do you know what the most sensitive part of your body is when wanking?

Your ears...

1173

tubeshooter's picture
tubeshooter's picture
tubeshooter commented Wednesday, 20 Jan 2021 at 8:59pm

Absolutely disgraceful behaviour , I'm both shocked and appalled at their collective lack of respect for 'fuckwittery' and 'cuntish carry-on' on an annual boys only surf trip with the crew. You'd think 'nudging' 30 that these guys would know better ..

Westofthelake's picture
Westofthelake's picture
Westofthelake commented Wednesday, 20 Jan 2021 at 9:33pm

Great stuff.

“They got back from the pub early, and by 8:30 the only noise coming from their tents were snores,”

Haha. 4 foot A-frame beachies all day will do that.

bluediamond's picture
bluediamond's picture
bluediamond commented Wednesday, 20 Jan 2021 at 10:37pm

'Cuntish carry-on just doesn’t feel right when there’s a pair of White Bellied Sea Eagles circling overhead…'
hahahahaha.
So eloquently put, and so true! Awesome.

Johan Wohlleben's picture
Johan Wohlleben's picture
Johan Wohlleben commented Thursday, 21 Jan 2021 at 12:38am

So good!!! Zzzzz

Island Bay's picture
Island Bay's picture
Island Bay commented Thursday, 21 Jan 2021 at 8:28am

Life, aye!

Another beauty, guys.

Spuddups's picture
Spuddups's picture
Spuddups commented Thursday, 21 Jan 2021 at 3:48pm

Farken' hopeless carrrrrnts!

tubeshooter's picture
tubeshooter's picture
tubeshooter commented Thursday, 21 Jan 2021 at 6:06pm

I dunno now.. I think this whole story may have been concocted ,, and subsequently posted to appease Shane-Os' bride to be ,
What goes on tour stays on tour , hey boys.. Nice touch with the whole dolphin/sea eagle/ joey thing by the way , had me going.
Your secret is safe with me

Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch commented Thursday, 21 Jan 2021 at 9:17pm

You might be on to something there tubey

batfink's picture
batfink's picture
batfink commented Thursday, 21 Jan 2021 at 11:31pm

For the uninitiated, this same weekend happens for those approaching their fifties, and this year I’m hoping it also happens to those approaching their sixties.

There is nothing that a day fo 3-4’ waves, nice banks and offshores doesn’t cure. Take 3 and call me in the morning.

Westofthelake's picture
Westofthelake's picture
Westofthelake commented Friday, 22 Jan 2021 at 4:58pm

Never too old.

Those days are rare.

Soak 'em up when you can,

Make the most when you're there.

Fishlegs's picture
Fishlegs's picture
Fishlegs commented Friday, 22 Jan 2021 at 4:18am

Ha; so close to the truth! keep it up. Five Stars.

It's Ok, Wave will come...........

Tooold2bakook's picture
Tooold2bakook's picture
Tooold2bakook commented Friday, 22 Jan 2021 at 11:55am

Gold

mowgli's picture
mowgli's picture
mowgli commented Saturday, 23 Jan 2021 at 11:24am

It's the opposite for me. I'm always hoping the surf is good and the frivolities are therefore tamed by exhaustion. But it's always the opposite. Poo surf on several Buck's weekends means the intensity level on everything else gets ratcheted up a few notches resulting in some unhappy AirBNB hosts...

nah....yeah...but, nah

morg's picture
morg's picture
morg commented Saturday, 23 Jan 2021 at 3:23pm

Absolutely gold and totally relatable!
Our crew have been down both sides of that tale many times over the past few decades. We’re all around 60 and our Boxhead is proud of being busted many (many) times in the act of self pleasure. These days he says he prefers Netflix LOL

NDC's picture
NDC's picture
NDC commented Saturday, 23 Jan 2021 at 6:36pm

My experience in this realm is that 95 times out of 100 the surf doesn’t deliver and carrying-on is the order of the weekend ... on the other five times I’ve had zero success pulling my mates away from deviousness and getting them to surf - and carrying on is still the order of the weekend ... I’ve managed to sneak away and try and surf a bit and muck about with the boys as well - I’m with tubeshooter - somethings not quite ringing true about this story - but it mad em laugh as always - thanks DA