The Boost Mobile Pro Gold Coast: Day Two - Mullet Run at Straddie
Bolting back up the South Straddie sand after staying out later than was wise, psyching for the terrifying dusk seaway paddle back to The Spit, your correspondent reaches the boulders and turns for a last look at the empty lineup – there, fifty yards away, a grey kangaroo bounds along the beach at full clip clearly intent on climbing the steep and high sand dune. It comes off the bottom, heads vert up the scarp, realises it’s not gonna make it, redirects off the lip, back down to the beach, straight into another bottom turn, fangs back up the face, clears the coping and bounds off into the shrub.
That was...geez, thirty years ago now, and until today it’s the most demonstrably Orstralian display of surfing I’ve witnessed at South Straddie, that is, of course, until all-fishin’, all-huntin’, mullet’ runnin’, Kelly-(Ned, not Slater)-beardin’ Mikey Wright storms the barricades on day two of the Boost Mobile Gold Coast Pro.
Since publishing our recap of day one yesterday (which set a new record for reader interest and engagement, if the five comments total are any indication), Ding Alley has realised something.
Wozcasts aren’t actually supposed to be watched.
What we mean is this: Wozcasts are more like muzak, something to be played in the background as you oil the deck, semi-concentrate on work or study, watch some other sporting event on another screen, do the dishes, or just scroll through whatever sershall meedjha platform’s your poison of choice.
When a webcast’s an adjunct to the rest of your day, and there’s the option to turn away, it’s fine.
Consciously engage with it to the exclusion of all else for any length of time, however, and there’s every chance you’ll find yourself rolling your eyes, despairing and huffing and cursing the screen aloud.
And look, I’m aware that banging on about the shortcomings of Wozcasts, in particular the commentary crew, is as repetitive and uninspired as that which is being criticised, and for sure commentary is way harder that it seems, but there’s an unevenness in the skills of the personnel that’s just amateur hour.
Commentary is THE conduit between performer and audience, so surely worth investment and development, no?
Don’t get us wrong, the crew put in a decent showing: Stacey Galbraith (who I always thought was a shiela) and Cooper Chapman did orright; KP may not have troubled the decibel-o-meter but had good insight; Bugs still ruled (though you got the sense of the old boy’s dwindling reserves of enthusiasm); and every time Occ launches into a lengthy soliloquy only to end up back where he started, but facing the wrong direction, we only like him more.
But being forced to endure the warblings of some of the less effective participants gives us cause to wonder: Is there a Woz handbook for rookie booth dwellers? And if so, what would its suggestions be? Here’s Ding Alley’s guess.
1) If you’ve nothing of interest or insight to say, just state the fucking obvious as often and repetitively as you can, and make it sound as if you’ve just been granted an incredible insight. HOW it sounds is key. As long as it SOUNDS like commentary, no-one will notice.
2) Be relentlessly positive and complimentary about everyone and everything. No dark, only light. Superlatives are your friend. If something happens that is objectively good or noteworthy or interesting, use terms like 'Amazing', 'Incredible' and 'Unbelievable'. This technique of hyperbolic amplification is a proud American tradition and it’s phenomenal to see it catching on here in Oz!
3) Silence is strictly verboten, so for Christ’s sake, keep talking. Doesn’t matter what you say. We recommend bouncing between between rules one and two above. Alternate (1) Screaming Obvious with (2) Delusional Optimism. Try to create theatre out of things that are very unlikely: ie, if there’s twenty seconds to go and someone’s caught inside with a snapped board and comboed, tell your audience in your inimitable ham-fisted way that there’s every chance a comeback’s on the cards.
(Jesus, how worked up can someone get over commentary? Which kind of proves our point, Wozcasts are dangerous things to consume unless they’re diluted with distractions.)
Kinda feels like there’s not too much point scrutinising the day’s surfing here. Wade Carmichael anchored his under-the-lip-larrys with surefooted heft, Liam O’Brien – who has the on-land demeanor reminiscent of a young Mark Richards – is ‘one to watch’ as the cliché goes, ’twas a shame Ethan Ewing and Robbo didn’t ignite. On the gals side, I was rooting for Little Sophie McCulloch who hustled the in-betweeners and belted lips like a champ, but hit the wall in the final against Bella Nicholls. In all honesty though, Straddie’s ragged and shifty lineup wasn’t much of a showcase for the girls.
Wasn’t much of a showcase for anyone, really. When ‘finals day’ contains half a dozen compelling competitive exchanges at most, you can’t really say it’s one for the books, hey. Too random, too east.
Anyway, here’s a few sketches of a few protagonists:
See the Tyler interview? Being Tyler Wright seems like a heavy burden. So much kudos to her for her convictions and willingness to articulate her absorbing discovery of the wrongs of the world. And not that Ding Alley should ever be consulted on such matters, but if Ty can find a way to come across as less sermonising on the Woz’s generous platform, it might further her excellent causes.
Now, this is the dumbest and most damning observation Ding Alley has ever made, but know that Bond Uni ad? With the American gal’s voiceover, “I didn’t think it would be possible to chase my dreams on tour, while pursuing my career in sports management.” Look. I’ll just say it, it sounds like the opening exposition of a short adult entertainment film. Disclaimer: no reflection or inferences intended, it just reminded Ding Alley of something we saw once.
Occ’s most endearing line for the day, describing a Liam O’Brien tube attempt: “The only way out is through the front door, which in surfing terms is called the doggy door.” Not all-time Occ, but satisfying nonetheless. Also, props to Occ for only mentioning TOS as a back up venue for Snapper a handful of times today, and props to KP for being too much of a gentleman to hit Occ with a rolled up newspaper and shout it’ll never happen unless deliberately avoiding spectators is part of the mix in ’21 and beyond.
Hooray for Sally Fitz. Feeling browbeaten about being told to educate yourself? Get Sal on the line and suddenly things are up. Here’s a telling stat: Not ONE of the day’s special online interviewees – earnest J-Dub, earnest Ace Buchan, earnest Tyler – signed off with a shaka. Sal, bless her, signed off with a DOUBLE shaka, and you know she means it. That’s the ticket.
The Semi between Wade Carmichael and Mikey Wright was the most compelling clash of the day, with half a point ultimately seperating them. The thought occurred to me that if these two fellas were to marry each other – depending if one took the other’s name – they could become Wade Wright or Michael Carmichael. You read it here first.
The day saw a deserved winner in Mikey Wright. I’m still ambivalent about Mikey’s ’CT act, but his ability to repeatedly solve today’s shifting puzzle that was Straddie – not to mention the unfeasible beast sent to him in the opening five minutes of the final – shows the depth of his special surfing intelligence.
It was deadset unreal to see Mikey stoked and insisting on being chaired up the beach. It’s not our business to speculate on the hidden lives of professional surfers, and it might be my imagination, but it’s hard not to sense a heaviness of spirit in that fine surfing family sometimes. It makes ya cheer when the sun comes out for ’em.
// DING ALLEY
Ding Alley is Illustrator David @maccatoons McArthur and Writer Gra Murdoch.
Comments
lol @ Michael Carmichael
Reminds me of the old Patrick Fitzsimon joke, but into self love maybe?
Yes I remember that one. Wasn't Ben Doven involved as well?
Best part of all of this was the Cooly crew pigging-out on sick Greeny without Occy burning everyone :) Thanks Wozzle.
That’s probably the best part about having Occy in the commentary box
He is not somewhere else
too funny
Hahaha classic both day one and day two re caps, sooo true on every subject, or maybe we just think alike.
How did Tyler get so political and angry so quickly? Slightly hypocritical a white, rich pampered pro surfer giving it to everyone but at least someone is rocking the wsl boat somewhat.
Totally agree with the commentary take down , dreadful , that chick trying to sound so insightful "the athletes peripheral vision of the rip" etc faarrrk who is that shit aimed at? Rabbit was the pick of them.
Margs contest is not on unless borders are open (which is after 28 days no community transmission anywhere in Aus according to Mark Mc Gowan) - the word from Augusta Margaret River Shire so not in october or even november
@mikehunt207 "the athletes peripheral vision of the rip" etc faarrrk who is that shit aimed at?"
Is peripheral a big word for you mate?
Totally, of all the spoken words to criticize, this is the sentence worthy of highlighting? It's something we all utilise everyday, almost constantly out in the water.
The day was a victory for BCF - imagine if every dingy owning, stubby-downing bearded fisho could pull barrels like that one in the final!
Great wave Mikey.
Six comments!
Double figures with this one! Stratospheric!
Actually, only nine in total. Had to delete a double post from juegasiempre.
Mine got it over the line!
I enjoyed both days because I live on the GC and surf beachies on the reg. It was impressive to see the dudes dominate in challenging conditions. Some crazy waves were made!
I'm curious about the long term future of pro surfing. I was watching it because I was WFH and at no point were there ever more than ~6000 watching. Where is the money coming from now and into the future? Even though I enjoyed it, I imagine it would be boring AF for people that didn't surf. Kinda like me watching golf, except that golf is available to everyone, easier logistically, easier to follow and you don't even need to be athletic to play it.
I also thought rabs commentary was good. Occy, not so much,
Stoked to see Liam in the final.. love it when the local surfers are right up there in these kinds of events.
Hi point: Margo
Low point: Tyler
Jack is an otherworldly talent.
Mikey needs to do some squats. Wade doesn't!
The contest was as expected boring as fuck, but I'll add my commment to another great article mate.
I too spent some time, albeit a bit later - in the late 90's paddling the seaway. Watching crew leave in the late afternoon and hoping you can find a friend to paddle back with in the dark. And that one guy you had clocked as a potential gets out and walks inland - presumably to where his boat was mored (pre Jet ski days) leaving you to do the paddle alone.
In all my time paddling the seaway (have to be well over 200 over a 10 year period) though, I never once encoutered an actual shark. Had some close calls with boats though. Had to stop for a trawler once. Deckhand leans out the back and tells me and bro paddling next to me "theres a fucken big Tiger following the boat.." real helpful when you're in the middle of the seaway!
Not to mention the paddle over(or back) when the seaway was chockas of bloody jellyfish
Loved the Wade v Mikey heat hope they have heaps more in pumping waves. Highlight for me was when Margo came in didn't realize he won and dropped the f-bomb on live TV.
ASX (Shark Alarm) : "Ding Alley launch Corporate Raid on Form Guide"
Ding Alley have plans to put swellnet on the Map
* Ding Alley : "Gromz Own Bumper Annual" (Not recommended for Gromz)
* Drawn out Toon'a'lympics Advent Calendar (2020 / 21 / 22 / 23 ~ chockies missing)
* Coffey Club & Finger Buns (xxx comical strip) SOLD OUT.
* WSL Wave Pool Mullet Run ~ wishy washy spin cycle Toons by Ding Alley
tbb: 'Counting down the Grand Unboxing of the Sea Monkeys' exchange program.'
* tbb signed up as Ding Alley's Creative Consultant in massive X figure deal!
Coffey club and finger buns - hahaha!
"Wade Wright or Michael Carmichael"
Great!
Decrying American-style positive hyperbole whilst "rooting" for someone?
Oh the humanity.
Hey AndyM, to be honest I've never thought of the term 'rooting for someone' as particularly seppo or hyperbolic? Like, I can say in the broadest of Oz accents: “Who ya rootin' for, mate?" and it rolls off the tongue pretty unremarkably?
Not in my day!.
I thought we "barracked" or maybe "supported" and the Yanks "rooted"?
Rooting is totally American unless, you know, you pull a Ronnie Coote.
Though I'm not convinced, I'll take ya word for it AndyM. So consider this a solemn promise to eradicate the term from Ding Alley's vocabulary. (Unless I forget, which, sadly, isn't an uncommon occurrence).
Ahh we all know what rooting is and it isn't cheering Gra.
I'm genuinely surprised Gra, I assume you went to school in Australia?
When I was a young 'un, it was always great source of amusement that Americans would 'root' for their team, it was a defining word of difference, right up there with faucet, the letter zee and the word ass.
Weird hey – D.A is pretty sensitive to seppo-isms creeping in to the vernacular – mom, sidewalk, couple days. I honestly never pegged rootin' for as uniquely Seppo, but a) I'll defs take ya word for it and b) I love the fact we're having an exchange about such a term and c) it's fucken ace to be schooled like this when linguistic pedantry is D.A's smarmy stock in trade!
In the meantime, I'm going to touch base with my mom and get a ballpark figure on the new aluminum faucet for her restroom.
After that we'll bake couple cookies for the kids for Halloween :)
TrickRTreeeeeeeaaaaaat
how about a slap with a wet thong!
20 years ago, I arrived in whistler BC canada, First hot chick I saw was wearing a "ROOTS" T shirt with a picture of a beaver on it....
I thought wow these canadian girls are pretty promiscuous!!!!!!!
Turns out "ROOTS" is a national,old school ,very respected fashion brand!
I hope you ding alley dudes are gonna put a book together sometime...
I just about fell off my chair when, as a naive teen at work, an older lady told me she and her husband would be rooting for my boss to have a safe operation.
I'd never heard it used in that context before.
Assuming the tour went ahead as planned this year, where do people think Robbo would be ranked right now? Top 3 for me...
Robbo looking very very good! Perhaps if the top Brazillians have been eating lots of pies over corona, maybe even #1 (but they haven't, Italo is in form)
And 'rootin, that one is
a)cringe
b)what farm dogs do if you mix the genders of your working dogs
c)what you do on the 4th of July or watching the Superbowl or sippin a root beer
If Ding Alley dishes it out only fair that Ding Alley takes it. The people have spoken, and the term 'root' is hereby gone.
Unless you feel the urge and the missus is keen!
No worries Gra, enjoyed the writing.
For everyone's interest, I got a free dog out of b).
Thanks for the synopsis Gra. I definitely think you were underselling yourself on day 1 saying your wrap is inferior to the likes of other contributors on here. I really relate to your honest, lighthearted and comical report. Thank you.
I’d love any of the forecasters out there to hindcast each comp that ‘would’ve been’......was J-bay pumping? Was it Bells or Johanna? Challenge out there for the Craigs, Dons, Bens, Freerides of this world.
From memory, Bells was very average during the waiting period.
I can't remember what the winds were doing but I don't think there was much swell.
I think Sean Doherty wrote at the time Bells was 4-6 ft for a couple of days at the end of the waiting period ( and packed full of punters )
Ahh yes, that's right.
Loved the Rabbit commentary. Timeless Goldcoast riffing. Gotta enjoy these legends while we've got them. The occy stuff was bemusing. But couldn't agree more on the other commentary. Felt like i was watching a clubby carnival listening to them.
As for the comp. The bits i watched were entertaining. Definitely would give the WSL oz two thumbs up for both comps so far. (and i was pretty cynical as to what lay ahead before it started).
It’s easy pickings to give Tyler Wright shit at the moment but fuck it, she is a painful human.
I’d be happy to not have to see her interviewed again.
While I’m on the Wrights, is anyone going to spill the beans on their “injuries”?
Chas from Beachgrit reckons it would be the biggest story in surfing.. whether that’s true or not who knows.
Whats there to spill?
Some of the best commentary I've seen on a webcast was the O'Neill ColdWater Classic in Thurso, Scotland (which Swellnet actually did the webcast production for). Sam Lamiroy and Dave Mailman gelled really well; their casual, laconic approach was spot on for the target audience.... surfers (funnily enough).
I remember hearing Phil McNamara do some guest commentary many years ago and he was next-level. Relaxed, conversational, articulate, insightful, analytical, no hype. Perfect.
Do you have any replays of that Ben?
No, I don't unfortunately.
And to be honest maybe it's a good thing. I suspect that if I were to listen back, it wouldn't be as good as what I remember it to be.
Thanks for the compliment, Ben! I loved that comp and always had a great time commentating with Slammin' Sam. Good chemistry between commentators is one of the most important things in putting together a webcast. Even with two talented commentators, if there's no chemistry the end result is most often highly mediocre. Speaking of chemistry, the Ding Alley boys have got it. My favorite thing to read in surfing at the moment! Keep up the good work! I'm rooting for the Alley boys (or would the Dingers be more appropriate?)!!!
Great to hear from you Dave. One of the classic moments I recall was you (I think!) realising you were in the next heat and had to quickly suit up and dash out into the lineup. That kind of laid back approach made it so enjoyable.. you and Sam made the listener feel like they were in the Carpark along with everyone else.
Enjoyed both reviews at least as much as the event itself. Thanks
Apart from Occ and Rabs who have licence to roll up without prep it seemed like the commentators hadnt prepped at all for their job or the format. Kate Scarratt is ex pro and possesses some brain cells but we had the radio guy with his paper notes between his feet and then rest were on the board riders comp PA system level. Wade looks like he’s had a few cans more than usual but is leveraging the mini gut so well. Shifty punchy and imperfect waves made for relatable conditions. Isabel’s Nichols welcome to her house advertorial gave me faith there are some lovely young educated surfers out there. Liam Jack and Eeeeewing next level tho!!!
Is there a replay of TW interview? never been a fan sounds like she has proven me correct.
@ 55.45 secs is TW
Watched a cupla heat replays. Great to hear the ole' Rabbit on commentary and this certainly aint a criticism just an observation:
Did anyone else notice his use of the term 'yah'? As in 'That was a sick turn Rab!' Rabbit - "Yah"
Has he been spending time in Germany or maybe Austria until COVID hit?
Pro surfing is ridiculous. The final is between a fat guy and a 'rebel' with advertisers stickers on his board. The commentators are old or incompetent. We have pontificating from competitors who endorse product that destroy the enviroment whilst at the same time promoting ad hoc slavery in Third World countries. But but but... we have product to sell. An image to project. And the surf was crap.
not everyone that reads it posts a comment. What's a peripheral?
It's an operation you have done on your taint.
Hic for the win!
Hey GM, great read, as usual. Your experience with your craft shows through, and while I detected from this a general lack of enthusiasm, for the overall event, you also train the observers gaze on yourself, wondering about whether what you are seeing might be the same as another’s eye. I could be wrong, but you seem to have retained some humility, which for a writer and a surfer is refreshing. (Both writing and surfing can make a person think themselves better than the average mug, I know I keep a chamber of secrets that holds my innate sense of superiority over landlubber folks. It’s generally kept on a tight leash, but it’s there.)
Good observation about the webcasts, a background activity. I used to have it going while I was at work on the spreadsheets, and if something was happening I’d flick over, then back to the spreadsheets. Some of the best days I had at work.
I’ll have to get over to day 1 report, just to add to the comments. I come and go here, and if busy on other stuff just get sidetracked for a day or a week or a month, particularly if I’m getting some surfing done.
Can I just clarify something. I’ve heard the location TOS many times, relating to Straddie. I’ve never asked, and somehow came up with ‘The Other Side’, given that it involves a perilous paddle. Was I close? Anyone like to enlighten em?
I remember taking the kids to one of the fun parks, perhaps Sea World, many years ago, and looking over the expanse of water to an island that I think was South Straddie, and wondering if that was the frightening paddle of folklore. Happy to be corrected.
Keep it going, but no idea what is next to be reviewed.
G'day Batfink. Thanks so much for the kind words mate. And 100 percent correct that TOS is The Other Side, and probs was South Straddie you were sussing out – essentially the seaway. Ding Alley has been a bit quiet lately, just slammed with less-fun work to keep the wolves from the door, but me and macca hope to re-engage again sometime soon! Cheers bruvva.