Uplift's best and wittiest comebacks

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grog-an started the topic in Sunday, 16 Feb 2014 at 8:56pm

Everyone loves Uplift's amasing posts. He brings bemusement to all who reads them. Now this is a thread where we can all celebrate the highly intelligent comebacks Uplift comes out with. Please post any of his deluxe comebacks in here.

grog-an's picture
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grog-an commented Sunday, 16 Feb 2014 at 8:56pm

"have another snort groges"

WORDY SAID IT, SO BAD LUCK!!

southey's picture
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southey commented Sunday, 16 Feb 2014 at 9:43pm

" gimp " .... amasing , deluxe , riplling , blax , blax , bla , bla , blah , blah ... ....... ....... quandongs ,
big boys , be- littled , did i mention trains .... glutes , captain , coach , 110kgs , did i mention i WAS a good looking rooster .... everyone i pay them to say it says it , the japanese love it can't get enough uplift .
Wordy told me so ...

" SA's Reserve Capacity "

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grog-an commented Monday, 17 Feb 2014 at 11:05am

"WORDY SAID IT, SO BAD LUCK!"

WORDY SAID IT, SO BAD LUCK!!

uplift's picture
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uplift commented Monday, 17 Feb 2014 at 2:53pm

If I do say so myself, this one summing up bruteless getting washed away at blacks, and speeding off to conquer 'massive' death caves, before hightailin' it back to crackin' bells was a beauty. Come to think of it, by his own admission, soufle's effort was even worse. Sums his up too.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RRD7-UQNDf8

Chicken soufle', I like it...?,, got a nice ring to it,,,........,,?

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brutus commented Monday, 17 Feb 2014 at 4:10pm

ohh uplifted that was one of your finest pieces of fiction ...and for a self admitted Neanderthal primate..yes I agree it was one of your finest...not bad for the 2' and under fossil!

wellymon's picture
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wellymon commented Monday, 17 Feb 2014 at 4:47pm

Quote Uplift "HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING"
"Honestly, losing ya blubber guts is heaps easier than that wellymon. Just try to fire up a few brain cells and see if you can override ya greedy guts and eat properly. Training away blubber is a mugs, a dimwits game. Build some muscle. We have plenty of light dumbells down in the toddlers creche."

I love this one, it nearly made me cry...! Or I think I got angry and trained harder, my thoughts of the little dumbells being Uplift....!, lifting them over my head, slamming them on the ground, twisting them sideways then leaving them soaked in my own sweat.

Our brains are too small at the moment to comprehend the reality of what's happening in our forests . We're only just waking up so to speak . The big problem is we think we know everything, we are specks of dust on a timeline and we know nothing .

grog-an's picture
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grog-an commented Thursday, 20 Mar 2014 at 8:37pm

"More shitting."

WORDY SAID IT, SO BAD LUCK!!

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grog-an commented Tuesday, 20 May 2014 at 3:22pm

"Dole payment must be in again... have another snort groges."

WORDY SAID IT, SO BAD LUCK!!

wellymon's picture
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wellymon commented Tuesday, 20 May 2014 at 3:31pm

The dole would not even cover one line...?

Our brains are too small at the moment to comprehend the reality of what's happening in our forests . We're only just waking up so to speak . The big problem is we think we know everything, we are specks of dust on a timeline and we know nothing .

sir ambrose beachfucker's picture
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sir ambrose bea... commented Thursday, 22 May 2014 at 5:22pm

UpLiFT attack here----------- your sometimes informative comments are welcome in the app thread
do ya sledging here
stop hijacking threads princess
xxxx

inzider's picture
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inzider commented Thursday, 22 May 2014 at 6:25pm

Uplift-built like arnie, hung like a cashew.

Mrsuplift's picture
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Mrsuplift commented Thursday, 22 May 2014 at 6:38pm

Funny thing is the big guy was not even worried about weights or health only joints and surfing until his best mate SPRATTY ( a bong head kook loser) took off with his first missus.
And even after 30 years of pumping iron he still had to go buy one that is not allowed her own opinion and must always bow to her master.
You are a twit uplift. You embarrass us all on this coast with your absolute shit dribbling on this site. Lucky for those of us that don't surf two foot and under we don't have to see you much.
CHUMP!

uplift's picture
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uplift commented Thursday, 22 May 2014 at 7:10pm

Whos we? You gimps actually think you are something. That's hilarious, here is you, end of story, thats it. Of course you don't see me, you make sure of that. Like always, I could do a dump on your heads, and all you'd do is apologise for getting in the way.

sir ambrose beachfucker's picture
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sir ambrose bea... commented Thursday, 22 May 2014 at 7:32pm

holy jesus maisha man ' ouch ' bet that hurt
not financially tho was a good exchange rate 4 or so years ago
just ideal for import buying

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Mrsuplift commented Thursday, 22 May 2014 at 8:14pm

I think we would just be there clapping and cheering in amazement that you had finally learned how to do a pooh on your own ya big chump!

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wellymon commented Thursday, 22 May 2014 at 8:41pm

Mrsuplift wrote: Funny thing is the big guy was not even worried about weights or health only joints and surfing until his best mate SPRATTY ( a bong head kook loser) took off with his first missus.
And even after 30 years of pumping iron he still had to go buy one that is not allowed her own opinion and must always bow to her master.
You are a twit uplift. You embarrass us all on this coast with your absolute shit dribbling on this site. Lucky for those of us that don't surf two foot and under we don't have to see you much.
CHUMP!

Gold

Our brains are too small at the moment to comprehend the reality of what's happening in our forests . We're only just waking up so to speak . The big problem is we think we know everything, we are specks of dust on a timeline and we know nothing .

sir ambrose beachfucker's picture
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sir ambrose bea... commented Thursday, 22 May 2014 at 9:01pm

Australian visa requirements should state that in the event of marriage of an aust citizen to another nationality

the groom must never be more than 40 yrs older than than the bride to be

salt's picture
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salt commented Thursday, 22 May 2014 at 9:01pm

I was over west recently and was told by a reputable source that uplift is actually an OK bloke? Yes I know very very hard to imagine. Not sure whether it was the pales, sparklings or the bush buds talking.

uplift's picture
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uplift commented Thursday, 22 May 2014 at 10:34pm

A few geeks over here have had ther arses kicked for what must seem an eternity, and would love to be able to do something about it. Of course they can't, so at least here they have a hidden voice, and its good for them to release some pent up terror. Every place has chicken shits like that, never once been a problem.

stray-gator_2's picture
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stray-gator_2 commented Thursday, 22 May 2014 at 11:11pm

sir ambrose beachfucker wrote: Australian visa requirements should state that in the event of marriage of an aust citizen to another nationality the groom must never be more than 40 yrs older than than the bride to be

Haahhaaa.

And the bride should be conscious, or at least breathing.

I aim to give you something that you can keep for life. A bit like herpes. My techniques are not available in any book or course; what would scientists know? I have played with model trains for 40 plus years.

sir ambrose beachfucker's picture
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sir ambrose bea... commented Friday, 23 May 2014 at 6:32pm

@welly amasing photo is that stuff any good for growing cashews ?

I cant seem to get mine to grow to a normal size.

Mrsuplift's picture
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Mrsuplift commented Friday, 23 May 2014 at 7:29pm

Don't worry sir ambrose. If all you have is a tiny shrivelled cashew and you can't keep a chick just fly to the phillapenes and buy one!

grog-an's picture
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grog-an commented Friday, 23 May 2014 at 9:38pm

you guys and mrs uplift are all off topic. I would suggest you move all these conversations to the "Off topic" thread. This thread is for people to quote Uplift's most clever comebacks that he comes up with from other threads, so we can have all of his most amasing, deluxe and bemusing comebacks all in the one place for easy reference.

WORDY SAID IT, SO BAD LUCK!!

udo's picture
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udo commented Saturday, 24 May 2014 at 8:51am

A raw nerve seems to have been hit
Has Uplift been silenced ?

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uplift commented Saturday, 24 May 2014 at 1:42pm

'Oi soufle' its bruteuseless mmmaaaayyyyttteee, I got some more intel on lifty, thermsy reckons he's not that big, dya reckon I could take 'im?'

Farkin' thermsy'd know mate, he dun time west mate, he farkin said 'ello to farkin Pete! Yair, for sure you could do 'im!

Faark go thermsy... eavy man... aye, I dun time west too. I farking ripped blacks... wayne seen me aye... soufer... yah there maaayyte...

Yair brutes... yeh, yeh mayyyte... me too, I dun time west too... yair, wayne seen me too, we fuckin' killed it aye maaayyyte, anyway... faaark its the other line, I'm waiting on some more lifty intel from ambles, ang on...

Ambs... whatya got for us maaayte, got brutes on the line. Huge? Roids? Faark, therms reckons e's not that farkin big... faark, ang on, I gotta get back to brutes... oi brutes yar there maayte...

Yair souf, oi, what's the farkin go... huge, ya said e weren't farkin that big... faaarkk.. shit me farkin wife's comin, farkk... so yair, no probs soufle' should ave that 70mph surfboard dun next week, been flat out traing RCJ into the worlds greatest athlete I ave mmmmaaaaayyyyytee, and...

Brutuseless, you're on the fucking phone about that huge lifty bloke again aren't you, ya useless cunt!

Nah luv, honest luv, just talking to souf's about that 70 mph surfboard luv, and...

Not that fucking idiot, all he ever does is ring everyone about that good looking, big, raw boned lifty bloke too! He shit himself at black's too, like the rest of ya stupid mates, get over it ya fucking idiots! Get and do the fucking dishes, and do some fucking work for once, instead of spending ya whole life shitting yaselves about lifty...

Fark luv I did too shred blacks, I fuckin well did so!

Oi, Mrs brutes, I farking 'eard that aye, soufle' 'ere, I did too rip blacks... I faaarkin did not shit meself! I farkin' didn't! I did so faaarkin rip blacks!

Oi, xcuse me Mrs Brutuseless, ambles ere... we aint scared of lifty, we could so take im... he's not that farkin big, and for your information, I farking did too rip blacks, I bloody well did so, and...

For fuck sake brutuseless, not another fucking gimp! Who the fuck are you? Oh yeh, you're that fucking maggoty chump that 'charges' the trough and spends all day with me fuck'n useless husband ringing everyone about lifty...

Oi luv, ya can't keep callin all me farkin maaytes gimps, its faaarkin polictationally incorrect luv, and I did so rip faarkin blacks... I'll ring faarkin wayne...

For fuck sake, don't fuckin bring im here again, if I have to listen to that secret fucking reclusion story one more fucking time! And they are fucking gimps, the lot of you are... fuck, I married a fucking gimp for fuck sake!

Oi brute's, eeerr, sorry to interrupt Mrs brutes, ambs ere maaayte, got groges and the gimp on the line with some more intel on lifty... faark me misses is coming... luv, no I wasn't luv, I bloody well was not...

Farrk brutes, souf ere maayte, gotta farkin bail, me missus is comin... luv, noooo... no luv, I was doing a quote luv, farkin honest luv, I was fucking so...

Grogesy an' the gimp ere maaaytes got some hot intel on lifty... bennies gonna wait till his missus has gone out, and run a check with his maaaytes on it but... farkin wellies done 'is shoulder... again, them farkin high intensity 3kg dumb lifts dun 'im up, he's out... ello, ello, is anyone there? Hello...

Pppsssttt, oi, hello uncle wayne... its soufle ere uncle wayne...

For fuck sake what do you fuckin want... why the fuck are ya fuckin whispering... its fucking 3am you fucking idiot...

Yair... eerrrr, sorry uncle wayne, but me missus is alseep. Just wondering uncle wayne, dya think a little guy, well, I'm not that fuck'n little, could flatten a really, really big guy, well, they reckon 'es not that fuck'n big, and...

Don't be stupid ya fuck'n little gimp! Get back in ya fuck'n high chair where ya fuck'n belong! Haven't you ever heard of plugger lockett, ya fuck'n idiot. Fuck off and don't ever call again, and I'm not ya fuck'n uncle ya fuck'n gimp!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LUbaJQrm15s

stray-gator_2's picture
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stray-gator_2 commented Saturday, 24 May 2014 at 9:31pm

Wow! Sounds like someone finally got his first root. Good for you, Mick, mate, cobber, Bluey. And as good as it obviously was, just wait until you do the horizontal polka with a live human being.

I aim to give you something that you can keep for life. A bit like herpes. My techniques are not available in any book or course; what would scientists know? I have played with model trains for 40 plus years.

uplift's picture
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uplift commented Sunday, 25 May 2014 at 1:07am
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stray-gator_2 commented Sunday, 25 May 2014 at 9:42am

Brad's a bit outta yer league, ole feller. To avoid disappointing rejection, set yer sights a bit lower, on something or someone less likely to rebuff yer advances.

http://www.funnypica.com/top-30-funny-cow-pictures/funny-cow-07/

I aim to give you something that you can keep for life. A bit like herpes. My techniques are not available in any book or course; what would scientists know? I have played with model trains for 40 plus years.

wellymon's picture
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wellymon commented Sunday, 25 May 2014 at 2:41pm

Gold SG2, great photo FFS....?

Our brains are too small at the moment to comprehend the reality of what's happening in our forests . We're only just waking up so to speak . The big problem is we think we know everything, we are specks of dust on a timeline and we know nothing .

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uplift commented Sunday, 25 May 2014 at 3:27pm

Geez, careful of ya wittle shoulder sthwelly, the force of pressing the keys will shatter the pissweak little fucker. High intensity training you reckon? Working fucking wonders. Hunter extraordinaire? Mowed down and trampled by a guinea pig?

'Ouwwthhchh... helwwwp, thumbody get vis fucking guinea pig of ov me pweathse, ouuuwthch itths cwushthed my thshoulder!!!! Mummmmmyyyyy!!!!!!!!

You fucking idiots

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uplift commented Sunday, 25 May 2014 at 3:26pm
sir ambrose beachfucker's picture
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sir ambrose bea... commented Sunday, 25 May 2014 at 5:00pm

waves at the trough tmoro should be fun
remember how it used to be your favorite wave

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stray-gator_2 commented Sunday, 25 May 2014 at 6:27pm

Mick, maaate, cobber, Bluey, bloke. Is this you holding your breath until you fall over? I'll be here to catch you. As always.

I aim to give you something that you can keep for life. A bit like herpes. My techniques are not available in any book or course; what would scientists know? I have played with model trains for 40 plus years.

uplift's picture
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uplift commented Sunday, 25 May 2014 at 7:09pm

'remember how it used to be your favorite wave'

Yeh, when I was 7 or 8. You more than met your match there, had a few 'heavy, nasty' wipe outs there, and that was it. Game over. Trough whipped, and you've spent the rest of your feeble life trying to conquer it, to no avail.

When we turned 10, or 11, the next legendary 'killer' break the roaders would be blathering and slobbering about was fucking bullies. As a grommet you believed them. However you quickly realised it was coming out of the worlds shallowest ocean, into the worlds most sheltered fucking bays, and was in fact a a gutless, sloping, backwashed, wobbly, bouncy fat hander. Drugs. I remember that potter from victor coming out at blacks one day, blathering and jibbering about how he was ready, because he'd had the 'mouth' (for fuck sake) pumping, and 'huge' bullies (for fuck, fuck's sake). Naturally he was bounced, hurled and flogged all over the reef like a fucking ping pong ball, I can still hear the screams echoing around the bay.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Wb6aGcWC4k

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Mrsuplift commented Sunday, 25 May 2014 at 7:41pm

" is there anyone else"
Yeah I'll have a go
This recent summer myself and a few others were laughing, cringing and showing genuine concern as we watched you and your big green board go over the falls constantly at K RIGHT.
You were a danger to yourself and almost killed a few grommets with your complete lack of ability.
You are not even toned. You look like a bloke that eats too much ice cream. You cannot surf and fuck we all laugh at you. Don't get me wrong I believe that in your own head you are a big tough, ripped, good looking surf god.
In reality mate you are a kook who never charged any wave on this coast and literally are the laughing stock of us all. Guys that charge the slabs over here and don't rant and rave get the respect from their peers. You on the other hand are an absolute bullshit artist who tries to act tough cause you are 6 foot and overweight. Seen plenty of chumps like you cop one in the nose and whimper. That's why you rant and rave cause you deep down know you are fuck all. Can't surf, can't please a woman so you pump iron and bluff the tough guy. This method is that common that there would surely be books written on it.
Your no
Different than all the pin dick roided up wankers at your gym except every now and then when the surf is small enough you pull a wetty on and go over the falls.
And you have bucked teeth.
So there it is you retard.
" is there anyone else "

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uplift commented Sunday, 25 May 2014 at 8:05pm

" is there anyone else"
Yeah I'll have a go

No you won't have a go, just like you've done all these years, you'll keep shitting yourself, and hiding like you always do. Should have paddled over and introduced yourself then. Go and change your nappy, the shit's running down your legs again.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Wb6aGcWC4k

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Mrsuplift commented Sunday, 25 May 2014 at 8:28pm

My missus would knock you out with her handbag so no mate I am not shitting myself.
Your all bluff and puff you flabby chump.
So you were a shoulder hopper at small high tide blacks. Never seen you below the cliff down the road, at the island off Lincoln or offshore from streaky. So where the fuck does all this elite athlete surfing take place? I guess all this small penis muscle stuff is suited to small waves where you can intimidate kids.
No wonder you travel to third world countries to find people to believe your dribble and share your bed.
Funny thing is.
Your a fake
Your not tough
You have no cred
Your a kook
You need braces
You mumble
You have man boobs
I think you have a small penis( that would explain a lot )
Your best mates think your a selfish prick
Your go now upfuck !

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uplift commented Sunday, 25 May 2014 at 8:37pm

But never once looked inside and saw you.

You've had over 30 years to introduce yourself, chickenshit.

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Mrsuplift commented Sunday, 25 May 2014 at 8:45pm

That cause I'm not at walkers rocks or poverty bay you swell dodging fuckwit!

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stray-gator_2 commented Monday, 26 May 2014 at 7:45am

I sense a divorce comin on. You, Mrs Uplift, get the house and car. You, Mick, get the train sets, the 2.5 kg dumb bells, and the flick.

I aim to give you something that you can keep for life. A bit like herpes. My techniques are not available in any book or course; what would scientists know? I have played with model trains for 40 plus years.

grog-an's picture
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grog-an commented Monday, 26 May 2014 at 9:40am

the trough. hilarious!

WORDY SAID IT, SO BAD LUCK!!

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southey commented Tuesday, 27 May 2014 at 10:00pm

Uplyft Quote
" Your doomed pull in is a doomed , hunched up , out of control line , destined to failure . In that doomed position , helplessly heading for the sky , you went for the { but i pulled in / desperation } . "

No Fukstik , its called adapting to each section , of which you clearly have no idea .

Is there any footage out there of Ageless Bourne , in anything resembling a barrel ... i think not ....
You've surfed for twice the number of years as myself and not one image . Your shit and you know it .

" IS THERE ANYONE " .
Hear ya muppet . Coopers Pale daggers and all .

" http://s1296.photobucket.com/user/Southey/media/SouthPit_zps3f7ef386.png... "

" SA's Reserve Capacity "

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uplift commented Tuesday, 27 May 2014 at 10:41pm

Sure thing gatesy. Just when you think it couldn't possibly get any worse, any sadder, any more ludictous, no, it can, much worse, much sadder, much more ludicrous. Nutters ho!

The truth is, you were never going to surf blacks.

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uplift commented Tuesday, 27 May 2014 at 10:44pm

I would just like to officially, formally say and state:

I lifty, officially state that I have never, ever have, or had any form of contact with this, this, this... this fucking gimped up debacle. So help me God.

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southey commented Tuesday, 27 May 2014 at 10:52pm

You have trouble with Comedy don't you ....

its one of the first signs of mental problems ..... you don't understand others jokes ......

" SA's Reserve Capacity "

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uplift commented Tuesday, 27 May 2014 at 11:01pm

Of course we realised the foamball, death pit thing was a joke.

As for this latest shocker . Yeh, the bronzed ozzies were just joking too. Nice try.

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southey commented Tuesday, 27 May 2014 at 11:09pm

yeah whatever ..... i have better shots , but due to their " location " you or others won't be seeing them .
on the other hand , you've played all your cards ..... LOSER

" SA's Reserve Capacity "

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uplift commented Tuesday, 27 May 2014 at 11:17pm

I knew you made your poor wife film your every attempt, despite claiming all that other drivvle. She was probably cursing and all set up at blacks too, except... 'jeeze luv, left me favourite shredding fins 'ome... lets get out of'ere aye!

OK... but thats what you said last time dear... ooohhhh loook, that big, good looking guy got another one!

Don't film him luv!!!!!! Faaaark him!!!! I faaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrkkkingg hate him!!!!!!!!!

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southey commented Tuesday, 27 May 2014 at 11:27pm

who travels with their Wife ???

to be truthful , the second time was a few weeks after Jevan was taken .... Oct 2000 ?
so it didn't have much to do with the wave .

" SA's Reserve Capacity "

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inzider commented Tuesday, 27 May 2014 at 11:31pm

I am beginning to think upfuckd is getting paid something by swellnet, the traffic he generates is quite impressive, unlike the pics of him straight lining the flats. I could surf switchfoot more critically than that old self obsessed puffed up git.