Alright, everyone. Confession time. What’s the most embarrassing surfing moment you’ve ever experienced?
I was waxing up a new custom-made board in the car park at my local break. When I was finished, I slammed the boot, put my board under my arm and started running to the beach. Because I was so eager to get out in the surf, I forgot to grab my leg rope and it got caught under the rear tyre, causing my board to ricochet back towards the car. I could hear the laughter of some girls in a nearby car. What a kook!
Not technically IN the surf but......
I was busting for a shit so badly during a surf at home about 15 years ago that I had to leave the water. Like QUICKLY as in paddle, whitewater in. Being in Vicco I had a full wettie on and there were enough people around that ripping it down and punching one out on the exposed reef was not an option.
Where I surfed was a 7 or 8 minute walk from my joint so I thought I'll just have to run home. Jogging up the stairs and the track and of course I run into someone i know who is up for a chat and by now the situation is hectic. Say the obligatory pleasantries and keep moving and immediately run into someone else. At this stage my sphincter is just about puckering. Blurt some lame excuse to keep going and start jogging/running now.
When I get home the back door is locked and I just don't have time to get the spare key in the garage as I literally was down to seconds. Went down the back yard next to the old garden shed, rip my wettie down and finally get to shit out a litre of rusty porridge into the garden bed. Finally feeling relieved and still in the full squat I look up to see my wife at the bedroom window staring at me and mouthing "What The Fuck???'
Had to go get a shovel from the garage and bury it before the dog was onto it.
Edit - haha classic ringmaster. User name checks out.
Low tide session at a local reef that's far more popular at high tide, I successfully ride a left only to find a more walled up one following, it drains all the water off the reef and I have no choice but to stand up and try to jump over a shoulder high wave as it detonates on me. I end up with large bruises on both legs and some cuts in my steamer. Mate is safely paddling out 10 metres away in the channel and sees everything.
Honorary mention goes to another session same spot. Very large day about 8 foot and a cleanup set surprises everybody. We all paddle like crazy and I do a super deep duckdive and surface thinking I'm ok but then feel myself going backwards and end up going over the falls.
Ringmaster, I had a similar experience once... but didn't make it. Turned out to be the start of a rather nasty bout of food poisoning too.
Most embarrasing moment...
Trying to rock off at a pretty well-known spot as a grom, didn't realise my leggy had dropped and hooked around a rock behind me. Wave comes, jump, leggy catches, I swing down and land face first on dry rock. Smashed out the middle fin too and pretty well ripped out the fin box.
It was pumping too, and being a grom I didn't have a spare board! The dry-hair walk of shame back up the hill and home was the pits.
I'm with ringmaster. Out for a winter early last year, guts grumbling a bit, pause to fart and end up with immediate follow though. Thing is now I can't stop, my sphincter opens and it becomes a full explosion. With no option I relaxed into it and just shat myself in a glorious offshore morning and the sun peeking over the horizon. I'm now just trying to get my head around whats happened. Set's are approaching and with a full load of shit in my sluggos which I presume is actively leaking into my steamer I can't help myself. It's a unique opportunity so I paddle into the second wave, get a few wiggles in, I can really feel it all moving around by now and head for shore. Luckily I'm walking distance home but what a bitch getting out of that steamer and up into the shower. It took six odd washes before I could get the tang out - nasty.
God that had me laughing already. Mine, in no order.
1) Being called into a wave by Kelly Slater, just me and him in the water in Java. Did the full both hands slip off my board as I went to stand up, faceplant on the deck, tumble over the falls. Didn't seem interested in comparing notes with me after that.
2) Slipped off the rock off as I went to jump at one of the fabled points, set comes, rolls me down the point dinging up my board and body, surface practically in tears due to the wildest ice cream headache I've ever had. Turn around and see a group of strangers clapping for me. Surprised it didn't end up on kookslams.
3) Similar to ringmaster and others. Just surfed solid early morning mid-tide Ulus. Floating around the rockpools around the corner from the cave as I was coming in and realize I am facing an emergency like no other. Will I make it in and through the cave, up the stairs and to the toilet that may not even be open yet? Should I run across the reef and try smash back through the shorebreak? I didn't have to make the decision in the end because it came, and all I could do was pinch the leg of my boardshorts shut to stop it going down my leg. Released it in short bursts in the most distant rockpool as set waves washed over, just so grateful it didn't happen half way up the stairs.
Ah why is it we never grow out of toilet humour, very funny guys.
I bought this little inflatable Zodiac with an oversized 15hp outboard on the Gold Coast and was using it for Straddie runs when I was up there but was a pain in the ass to launch on my own. So when I ran into a couple of South Oz groms who I used to surf with down at Yorkes at the Superbank I was quick to hit them up and see if they wanted to surf Straddie the next day. Of course they were keen so we met up the following morning.
I used to just anchor out the back when I surfed there but when they turned up at the boat ramp they had all this shit with them, bags and a camera etc. and wanted to get dropped off on the beach. It was 4 to 5ft and pumping. I was a little apprehensive but didn’t want to disappoint the lads so we set off around the corner. Conditions were beautiful with multiple peaks stretching for a kilometre or so down the beach and the usual pack of surfers on each. I calculated my best option was to tuck into the relatively protected corner near the breakwater, quickly unload the boys before anchoring out the back down the beach.
I managed to get them into chest deep water in a lull and they were carrying their stuff above their heads when I saw a solid set swing around into the corner, coming straight for me.
I had no choice but to bail and gunned it at this 4 foot closeout. The wave got real steep when I was about 2/3 of the way up the face and I hit the lip at about 10 knots. The zodiac launched into the air vertical and I just fell straight out the back. With the throttle on full tilt the thing just took off driverless out to sea but somehow my board remained in the boat. I looked back to shore and the grommets were on the beach pissing themselves laughing as well as half the guys surfing near the sand pipe.
The zodiac was way out to sea by now but appeared to be travelling in a large circular trajectory so I swum out further to place myself in its path when it came around again, hoping I could grab the side handle when it went past. The thing was flying and bouncing around with no weight in it and there was danger of being chopped by the propeller if I miscalculated but my pride as well as the loss of my zodiac was on the line now so as it neared I lunged at it desperately.
I got my hand onto the rubber handle with split second timing and wrenched with all my strength, nearly flipping the boat but miraculously I rolled myself in and regained control. My shoulder was killing me as it felt like it was pulled out of its socket like a chicken wing. But I pulled the whole manoeuvre off and sheepishly returned to the lineup, anchored up and ended up having a pretty good surf!
I took the boat to the dealership and got one of those cut off switch lanyards that you attach to your wrist fitted before I used it again.
Keeping with the poop theme:
I was on boat trip in the tropics where lot of surfing and ample food meant I could pig out at breakfast, second breakfast, lunch and dinner without putting on weight. What goes in must come out and my poops had become very regular and extensive.
I was out surfing a nice point in the hot sun at about 4ft by myself with everyone else on the boat having a snooze over the midday period when the need to poop came on. Not wanting to leave empty surf and being alone with no one watching, I paddled into the channel and pulled down the boardies and let it all out. Now in the loo on the boat, the brown snakes I had been expelling two or three times a day had looked quite substantial but were a broken up mess. Whereas out in the sublime tropical blue, what emerged and popped up almost under my nose was like a two foot long colourful sea snake all joined and continuous, hanging in the clear water looking ready to swim off to find a mate.
I back stroked a bit to avoid contact creating a bit of a wake that seemed to draw it towards me - it seemed to even be able to swim.! I quickly turned away and escaped and paddled 50 metres back to the take off spot trying to get away from it as fast as I could feeling a little disgusted. But I knew that the local fish would soon eat it up and I was contributing to the circle of life.
Two waves later I was paddling back out on the edge of the channel when I lifted my arm up for a stroke and saw a familiar brown sea snake draped across my arm. Somehow it had managed to "swim" in to say hello one last time before heading off to become a new reef inhabitant. The image of the snake haunted me for days.
Turning defeat into victory and potential embarrassment into adulation.
Well played YS!
.......aaaand that's impressive Frog. A 2ft turd!!!
Haddo thats hilarious, YS you're very lucky you didn't get sliced in half.
Mine is a shitting my pants story but not literally.
I was in Hawaii and had been surfing solid Sunset and Haleiwa and was starting to get somewhat more confident each day. A big swell was on its way and I thought well I'll have a go at Waimea. Next day I bought a 9'6" second hand gun from Liam Macnamara's surf shop and got chatting to him about how I was going to go out to Waimea blah blah blah.
So the day comes and i walk down from the Backpackers bright and early after listening to everyone at the accomodation talking about how fucking huge tomorrows going to be, and the very first person I see is Liam checking the surf with a few mates. He sees me and screams OUT THERE MY MAN!!
I look out to sea and the biggest scariest most hideous wall of water is steaming into the Bay and it's a top to bottom fucken close-out. My stomach just instantly dropped and I felt as if I'd just slammed down 2 litres of black coffee and it was about to come fire hosing out my date. I look back to Liam and he's going GET IT BRAH!!!
I knew if i went out there I'd probably drown, but I also knew I can't walk back past Da Boys with dry hair. I eventually thought fuck it I'd rather cop shit off them than die so I said, which makes me cringe even now, "I've just got to run back and put some sun-screen on!"
So did the walk of shame back to Backpackers then stayed there for an hour or so hoping he had gone to work by then, put my hat and sunnies on so he wouldn't recognise me then rode my bike down and watched the show.
Surfed it that arvo though which was incredible and didn't run into Liam for the rest of the trip! Happy days
Well, if we are going to tell poo stories. Let’s remember last year’s WSL comp in France. Rosy Hodge was doing a perfectly mundane post-heat interview with Griffin Colapinto. When suddenly, unsolicited, Griffin decided to give the viewers a little more detail of his pre-heat routine then we perhaps expected to hear.
To a stunned Rosy, Griffin said,
“I paddled out and there was 10 minutes left for the heat to start, I just had a coffee and I had to go number two super bad. I’ve got my 3/2 full suit on. I paddle out the back, rip my jersey off, take my suit down, drop the kids off and I’m like, ‘Oh no there’s like two minutes until my heat starts.’ Got all my shit on and then when the heat started, I was filled up with water. I was all scared I was going to stand up and be filled up with a bunch of water in my legs.”
Hats off to Griffin, he still won his heat.
Years ago at Currumbin I rocked up to rock off and didn't even bother checking the surf. Was getting pretty late in the arvo and I was in a hurry. As I skipped out to the jump off spot a couple of blokes were taking their time and kinda blocking my way. I'm behind one fella and started getting impatient so I was like 'c'mon mate, you gonna go?' He said hang on i'm just gonna wait a sec. I said 'for fuck sake move out of the way then' and I pushed past him. He said, 'ya fuckin' idiot' to which I replied 'dick!' and jumped in. Made it about 20 metres for my first duckdive, piece of cake. As i surfaced it was like 'Oh fuck!'- a huge wave was feathering outside and I just knew in that instance I was in trouble. I didn't stand a chance as the three foot thick lip basically detonated about 2 metres in front of me, picked me up and hurled me back towards the rocks. I was under water for so long waiting to be smashed against the rock face.
Miraculously, I was just off the rocks and didn't connect but the current was running hard and swept me pretty quickly into the creek mouth. I was pretty roughed up and seeing stars but I'm sure as I was being swept away, I glanced up and saw the two fellas laughing.
I got my shit together, regained my composure and then paddled across to Laceys with my tail between my legs and surfed the waist high end section.
Valuable lesson learnt that day.
btw- ringmaster and Yorkes- gold!