Get Some !!

I've duly noted the level of consternation amongst my fellow boardriders regarding the exponential increase in crowd numbers at popular surf spots and , to be honest, I'm a bit perplexed.

Who wants to surf WITHOUT crowds ?

Quelle horreur !

Like Kelly Slater himself, I'm a big fan of surfing in crowds - FOR crowds !

A showman born such as myself lives for the stage that a break overrun of punters beyond it's capacity provides.

After all as Socrates said ( or was it Gallileo ?) if I perform a bog rail cutty and there is no disgruntled, resentful witnesses, did the bog rail cutty really happen ?

I ,for one ,never hope to find out.

So for those that love the game but struggle to get enough waves to become a player , allow me to introduce -

The Blowin's guide to gettin' yours in a crowd .

Step 1 : Too many is never enough.

Looks crowded ? Kooks and cock squeezers spread like hundreds and thousands across the line up ?

Don't hesitate. Do not contemplate surfing elsewhere under any circumstance.

Now is your time to shine .

Would Axle Rose dream of playing the local RSL as he's striding towards the stage at Madison Square Gardens ?

Of course not .

You're a unique snowflake / next level shredder .

Give the people what they want ......YOU!

Step 2: Own your journey , Girlfriend.

Straight to the inside you go. Waiting your turn is for the lesser lights, back up dancers, support acts - of which you are neither.

Step 3: Mother duck those fuckers - sometimes a local "legend" such as the type born and raised on the wave might try to paddle battle you for priority just because they are closest to the curl/ been waiting the longest.

HaHa !

Paddle those clowns in a wild goose chase till you're both so deep that frustration leads them to catching the type of wave that inevitably leads to a terminal case of close out upon barnacle encrusted rock and ensuing carnage.

Step 3 : Hippy free love outa sight !

What's mine is yours.

Or , more appropriately, what's yours is mine.

Specifically the next set.

And the next.

When queried upon your behaviour , plead ignorance and urge your new soul mate to chill out and stop ruining the vibe .

After all, They're only waves , man.

You only need one good one etc etc

Step 4 : Shoulder massage.

Sometimes it can get a little hectic on the inside. What with better surfers and established locals not recognising your self proclaimed entitlement to the pick of the low hanging fruit.

So it's sit wide and paddle, paddle ,paddle for every wave till a virtual whirlpool of chandeliering sections awaits any that dare to take off inside your beautiful self.

Handy catchprase -"You weren't going to make it " *

* Subtext - " Not if I had anything to do with it ".

Step 5 : Guy Fawkes .

Sometime in a man's life it pays dividends to be a little forthright, a bit upfront to get the respect that you deserve.

That's when it's time to take as opposed to waiting to be given.

Even if it already belongs to somebody else .

I'm talking about your garden variety drop in of course.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it !

So start gentle, test the waters with a couple of take off to pull outs , throw out a couple of sympathetic shoulder shrugs to your victims then slowly up the ante.

After a couple of rounds with this new approach, if you're still in possession of the same amount of teeth , it's time to remove the sheep's clothing , unload on the spineless fucks and burn baby burn.

That's how easy it is folks .

How to win sets and alienate people.

Just ask the delightful two dozen Italian gentlemen I shared a line up with just this morning.

By the time we'd parted ways we were firm friends.

They even chose to use the nickname I'm referred to by my closest associates - That Cunt !

Arrivederci fucktards