The History of the Tube Monster
Apologies to those that don't watch surfing webcasts. You're probably wondering what the fuck that was all about.
I thought it was going to be about something pornographic.
I heard Fanning drop that too Stu and thought it was a tip of the hat to prior commentary. Could've sworn it was Wassel I first heard it from though, in the Fiji event. But now upon reflection I think I may have just bundled everything crazy I heard over that time period (surfing related or no) and attributed it all to DW.
Unwrap this present, tube monster!
No Tube Monsters on ther Goldy today :( I do love the passionate commentary the Tube Monster has been mentioned alot since Cloudbreak
Yep, when they get a "new" saying they certainly run with it till its flogged. Last years commentary at Fiji and Chopes was "drain pipe" over and over again.
In that delightful American accent. OHW MY GARD, LOOK AT JAHN JAHN THREAD THAT INCREDABLE DRAIN PARP...
I think it would work infinitely better if Williams adopted a Vincent Price horror voice each time he used it. "No doubt Taj would've scored a 10 pointer if he didn't get knocked off his board by the TUUUUUUUBBBBBBE MONNNNSTERRRR" And then follow it with a mad cackle.
Was Fanning taking the piss, Shannon? I only saw it written so couldn't tell.
Hope he was being a smart-arse though it really ain't his style.
He certainly didn't seem to be ripping into anyone, if that's what you mean. The interview he mentions it in is his post SF loss (you can see it at the start of the Kelly v Kai heat in Heat Analyser).
I think the "foamball" count got to 1000+ (and that was fast forwarding over the lulls) so a "tube monster" every now and then would have been a relief.
The Tube Monster's first known sighting was in Hawaii during the 1980's when future pro-surfer Ross Williams and his boyhood chums took to the water. Better than the Bogey Man, the Tube Monster lived deep in hollow waves and grabbed young children around the ankles as they rode their first barrels.
When the gang reached adolescence it was thought the Tube Monster would go the way of Puff the Magic Dragon. You know:
A dragon lives forever but not so little boys
Painted wings and giant rings make way for other toys.
One grey night it happened, Jackie Paper came no more
And Puff that Magic Dragon, he ceased his fearless roar.
Except unlike Jackie Paper, Ross Williams kept visiting the Tube Monster. He refused to use the horrible grown up term 'foamball' and persisted with giving the bundle of whitewater sentient characteristics. God bless his arrested development.
Williams took the Tube Monster with him to Bali where he sighted his old childhood acquaintance in many barrels during the Keramas competition. Contestants, viewers, and most of all, his fellow webcast commentators, were utterly perplexed. "The Tube Monster?" they asked hesitantly. And Williams explained the monster's existence with freckle-nosed conviction. The grown ups didn't buy it though. As one nasty punter said on Facebook: "Tube monster is a silly kids name that people grow out of. Like calling your stomach 'your tummy'."
Sadly, that was the last time Williams was in the commentary booth for a competition. But if you thought it was the last we've heard of the Tube Monster you're wrong. It's testament to surfing's fountain of youth properties that the legend of the Tube Monster has spread. Said young Mickey Fanning yesterday: "Ace had a great heat with a phenomenal start and I had a couple of opportunities to come back but the Tube Monster got me."
Surfers, don't make the mistake Jackie Paper made and grow up to be boring, unimaginative adults. The Tube Monster is real as long as you keep saying it is.