Local Waterman Spontaneously Combusts
The Toonalook surf community is reeling from the explosive demise of area real estate agent and self-described alpha waterman, Matty 'Muscles' Sherman, late Wednesday afternoon.
Sherman – 36 and in magnificent condition – reportedly checked the surf from the Toona backbeach lookout before sunrise, and appeared typically excited and upbeat to fellow early risers.
“Sherm was amping on the new swell like he always does,” recounts local sparky Josh Cassidy, also checking the surf that morning, “in the space of five minutes he must have mentioned a dozen different types of craft that would suit the conditions the best.”
Mr Sherman then returned home to consult the internet over a breakfast of activated Acai based superfoods, and having confirmed no swells-of-lifetimes were unloading anywhere within a 1000 km radius – and possibly enjoying a powerwank over that recent clip of Keahi de Aboitiz kitesurfing – he then set to work through an abbreviated version of the Lairdpower™ strength and conditioning routine.
“Sherm found the training essential for his watermanly lifestyle,” good friend and occasional tow partner Linus Canning told reporters “certainly helpful for the physicality of whatever the ocean had to throw at him, sure, but primarily needed for lugging and loading various surfcraft around the place.
“Try getting a 30-foot Red Cedar SUP Ocean Racer on the roof of the Landcruiser on your own sometime and tell me you don’t need a kick arse regimen.”
Ding Alley can reveal that between 8.30 and 10.00am, neighbours report hearing Mr Sherman noisily loading his 4WD, trailer, and jetski trailer with his entire collection of surfcraft.
“At first I thought he was having a garage sale, or going camping or something” says long term Toona resident and notorious stickybeak Bea Smith, 78, “and I said as much across the fence ... he just muttered something about how I wouldn’t say that if I lived in ‘da’ islands, that no-one knows what the sea can throw at a man, and that he wouldn’t expect me to understand what deep passion drives him.
“He mentioned something about Atlantis, or Neptune, I think, but I'd already gone back inside by then and the tele was on so I can't say for sure.”
Mr Sherman and his convoy of trailers returned to the Toona backbeach carpark by 10.30am, and witnesses say he spent the next hour and a half unloading and transporting his flotilla of craft on to the beach.
“I asked him if he wanted a hand with the jetski trailer” recalls local grommet Gordon Davey “’cos the bullock harness he was wearing to haul it through the dunes looked pretty uncomfortable and he seemed a bit flustered ... he said he was alright and that it was good resistance training.”
Though there are no suspicions of foul play, police are investigating the events that followed.
“We’ve accessed the Swellnet surf cam archives to study the sequence of events that led to the deceased’s spontaneous combustion,” Senior Detective Constable Mal Padgett told Ding Alley, “and though the cams are famously buggy, we can ascertain that the victim brought his craft out on to the beach in the following order:
“Ocean-going SUP; traditional malibu; 16 foot paddleboard; one-man outrigger; flippers; jetski; 18 foot paddleboard; quad fin bat-tail; 18-foot clubbie ski; vintage lifesaving belt and reel; vintage hollow 'toothpick' craft; reconditioned Michael Peterson single fin dagger tail; authentic Paipo lie-down surf craft; high-performance 12 foot SUP; Peruvian fishing craft (traditional reed construction); heavily concaved finless surfboard; Campbell Brothers Bonzer; autographed George Greenough surf mat; various craft made from balsa, carbon fibre, aluminium and recycled plastic bottles; boulder for underwater running; authentic Morning of the Earth-era single fin hot dogger; Simmons-twin-fin keel fish; an actual fish (regulation size Jewy in tank); two unshaped blanks: four variations on foil boards (regular, stand up, tow, kite) McCoy Keel-Fin Lazor Zap; assorted Go Pro cameras and mounts, high-performance windsurfer; kite-board; hand-board: merman tail and axe.
“We were puzzled by the axe until Mr Sherman marched up the beach to the foreshore and carved himself out a Alaia out of a banksia tree.”
Beachgoers allege that through the afternoon, Mr Sherman remained on the beach, in an increased state of agitation wondering aloud which surfcraft to finally decide on before taking to the water.
On several occasions he was seen striding purposefully down the beach with a selected item of surf equipment underarm, only to falter at the water’s edge and return – as if pulled by gravity – to his pile of gear.
At dusk, Josh Cassidy – who’d met Sherman at their early morning surf check – came out of the water and the pair exchanged the pleasantries that would prove to be fatal.
“He asked me how it was and what he should ride” recalls a still clearly shaken Cassidy. “I just said it was sick fun. I’d had three surfs through the day and it was perfect just for a standard shortboard”
“He looked right through me and said softly ‘oh, I don't think I have one of those...’
“And that’s when it happened, his head just exploded clean off his body and shot into the sky. A few quivering flips of his merman tail and it was all over. Gone.
“Unbelievable. It’ll take a day to get all his junk off the beach.”
// DING ALLEY
Ding Alley is ’Toonerist David @maccatoons McArthur and Writerer Gra Murdoch. Their first cars – both Datsuns – met untimely ends. Macca’s girlfriend rolled his 1600 just west of Freshwater Creek one night circa ’87. Murdoch’s 200B was retired in ’89 after mounting a Broadbeach curb after an evening of refreshments in Surfers Paradise. Macca’s business acumen came to the fore when he sold the rusting hulk for 100 bucks a few months later while Murdoch was in Sumbawa.
Comments
It brought tears to my eyes....
"vintage lifesaving belt and reel".
Oh man, can't stop smiling. I know a guy EXACTLY like that, it's almost scary.
And he takes himself so seriously. I love it.
That one had me laughing out loud.
"...Simmons-twin-fin keel fish; an actual fish (regulation size Jewy in tank)"
Muscles has put his Lexcen starfin in back to front.
Common mistake, lot of watermen do it.
Haha! Brilliant!
“Two unshaped blanks”
I’m giving a 9.5 on the Spuddups scale for this one. Top drawer stuff as usual. I’m a fairly non-judgemental type of guy, but these wartermen type characters really grind my gears. I was pleased that his head exploded. Does that make me a bad person?
another good one
Did the cops consider that maybe Sherm's inflation vest was too tight because of his pre-session carbo load? Or that maybe he pulled all four cords at once and that's why his head blew off?
Toonalook cops are so dodgy.
No boog! The blindspot in the watermans menagerie.
Timber handplane & fiberglass handplane also missing.
Bloody gold as usual gents!
Dunno what got me the most; the boulder for underwater running or the vintage lifesaving belt and reel!
Good to see the mat and the hand gun.
so funny, again. The Toonalook realestate agent seems remarkably similar to a certain realestate agent at a certain Sunny Coast pointbreak. Bringing a merman tail was probably going a bit overboard...the rest I can understand...
Brilliant again Ding Alley. You blokes are on fire.
"Unbelievable. It'll take a day to get all his junk of the beach"
Gold. I dry retch everytime i hear the term 'waterman'
... 'real estate agent' does it for me!
Do I detect a whiff of old mate 'Uplift' in there?
What name is uplift posting under these days? Sorry, been off on my own tangent a long time and only getting back on track now. Usually the writing gives it away, I assume he has been banned under a dozen different monikers by now.
Laughing out loud!
Classic stuff.....
Awesome stuff. On a side but related note why is it that SUP riding so appeals to the muscle bound boof head? Is it because they can no longer surf conventional craft due to difficulty revolving those inflated arms for normal paddling?
Haha is it Friday already?
Funny stuff, again.
(a merman I should turn to be)
4x paragraphs in... I had to stop and regain some composure..
His friggen head WHAT???
No mention of "Breathwork" but I,m sure he must have done some Nam course or the like in preparation for the big day. Nice work again fellas! Bunch of similar characters in our town.
Thought he was having a garage sale haha - too good!
Everything but a standard shortboard- brilliant
I reckon for sure old mate had one of these kits at home, as advertised on Swellnet :)
Nothing better than detoxing with a bowel cleanse.
#wellness
The irony being that our ads are run through Google, and select items of interest based on your previous browsing history.
Haha oh dear...
Touche Ben!
Fuck, why do I have an ad for thelacybra.com on the right-hand side of my screen right now?
Very confusing.
Maybe Google knows that I eat a lot of chicken?
Sure your computer isn't spying on you Andy? Left ya camera on by mistake perhaps? (haha)
Look, what a man does in the privacy of his own boudoir is nobody else's business :)
It gets worse - I was looking at this bouldering route the other day...
Your photoshop skills are getting better!
An elementary cut and paste, dear Ben :)
Is it the (quoting from the description) “slopey jugs at the top" that downgrade the 14"A.S to a measly two star rating?
I would never downgrade for slopey jugs.
Sloppy jugs are another story.
Fark, that’s gonna come back and bite you at some stage. They certainly come up with some creative names for their routes those rock climbing characters aye. I have a mate who’s done quite a bit of climbing, and as it turns out he is the master surf-spot namer.
I,m getting Step One undie adds??? WTF never googled buying undies , ever
Yeah Mike, if these ads are based on Google algorithms then Google is pretty confused.
Anyway, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.
My adds are for an 'executive wallet' and golfing lessons
Not sure but I may be moving up in the world.
Same.
Plus the bras.
And the enemas.
Adds?
As an intermediate waterman with 6 surfboards to choose from I only put 1 or 2 in the car based on reports, expected conditions etc, this stops my head from exploding :-)
I'd like a story about the Dattos of Toona.
I could fit an 8' gun in the front seat of me Sunny in '97......
Nice... maybe a survey of all the Toona crews' many and varied vehicles...
I'm sure you could come up with some survey parameters designed to probe their intricacies.
I used to put single ski's in the back of my 180b... great memories...
I had a 180b. Went like a cut cat.
with the Andy/ben bonus, about the funniest thread I have ever read
“certainly helpful for the physicality of whatever the ocean had to throw at him, sure, but primarily needed for lugging and loading various surfcraft around the place.”
You know it’s true. Such a fun read gentlemen, and to the commenters. Andym , you’re a braver man than I, search histories worry me. :-)
“in the space of five minutes he must have mentioned a dozen different types of craft that would suit the conditions the best.”
I read that to my wife. She knew it was me.
This is the best Ding Alley so far. I could hardly breath the first two times I read it. (Maybe time for a breath-hold course?)
Thanks fellas, absolutely brilliant.
The benefit of growing up having to catch a train and a ferry or bus to surf, without anything other than yesterday's newspaper weather page to help you guess what the surf was going to be like. You only ever took one apparatus and made the most of it. Other thinking does cause brain combustion. So funny, much thanks.
Some of those boards would be worth a bit too. The MP dagger tail and the McCoy. And the 12ft high performance SUP. I'm in tears LOL. Keep these coming fellas, fucking hilarious.