Local Soul Guy Slightly Less Smug After Fifth Swim to Beach
Toonalook Backbeach, last Wednesday. Local soul surfer Shane Reid's annoying air of superiority took a well-deserved setback today thanks to a number of tiring swims to retrieve his weird twin-fin.
Reid, 23 – a decade into curating a soul/retro persona after finding neither enjoyment nor success in the Toona Junior Boardriders competitive arena – is seen by some as proud custodian of Toona’s golden heritage, and by others as a nice enough fella, but so desperately in thrall to the idea of some mythical era as to be looked on with either pity or loathing, depending on your mood.
Reid met up with friend Roscoe Clements at Toona’s Backbeach lookout at 3.00pm and with the crisp westerlies of May throwing the head-high groundswell into pleasing symmetry, the decision was made to session the slightly less populated bank down near the creek mouth.
“We were getting changed and straight away it was clear Reidy was going Mach-10 Soul mode,” recalls Clements, who holds the dubious honour of being Shane’s best mate. “He’s rockin’ a beavertail, using paraffin to wax up one of those weird parallel rail twin fin things that only frothing geniuses like Torren Martyn can make sense of, and straight away he’s on my case for how lame I am for using a legrope on a head-high beachie.”
“Like, I can see where he’s coming from, but A) the tide was dropping and there were a few closeouts, B) there were a couple of other surfers out there, and C) that twinny of Reidy’s might look good under his arm on his instagram but he hasn’t exactly unlocked its otherworldly secrets of planing and trim the way his heroes might.”
“Reidy’s a mate but when he comes over all holier-than-thou I gotta admit there’s times I wanna smack that Ned-Kelly-Bearded face of his.”
Reid, who adorns his boards with Sea Shepherd stickers, continued to berate his friend about his ‘infantile dependence’ on the legrope as they made their way down to the water’s edge, digressing only to theorise that 5G is almost certainly a driver of the current COVID-19 pandemic.
Those present on the beach observed Reid’s derivative posturing and body language with distaste.
Long term Toonalook resident Bea Smith, 78, out walking her beagle at the time, commented “Strutting peacock that boy is. Poser’s what I reckon.”
Local kingpin Barry Cornell, sucking down the last of a gasper at the water’s edge before paddling out to the main peak, offered no opinion than to say ‘Fuck you and fuck orf. You can quote me on that. You’re that Caaarrnt from Ding Alley wot wrote me off on Swellnet last month.”
Other beachgoers were simply observed shaking their heads sadly at the sight of Reid’s final adjustments to his beavertail suit at the water’s edge.
Disdain soon turned to joy for onlookers, however, as Reid lost his board five times in half an hour.
On each occasion he was forced to swim all the way to the beach.
“It was beautiful” confided a quietly elated Clements: “the first time he swam in he was all like ‘it's a good workout’ and ‘I’m feeling the flow’ and stuff, but you could see him getting more and more frustrated. By the third swim you could see he was pissed; by the fifth he was fully losing his shit, swearing and carrying on.
“He’d be madly swimming after his board and every time he'd get to within a few strokes of it, a little whitewater’d come through and take it out of his reach.
“Ironically it makes me believe that there might be some kind of karmic force driving the ways of the ocean after all, ’cos anything that wipes that I'm-more-in-tune-with-the-great-mysteries-of-the-ocean-than-you smirk off his face… well, there’s some kind of magic at work.”
// DING ALLEY
Ding Alley is two mates, ’toonist David @maccatoons McArthur and writerer Gra Murdoch. Their groovy collab is named in honour of a contentious Vicco left hander that’s either garbage (Macca’s opinion) or sublime (according to Murdoch).
Comments
Ha ha- gold!
(and if the person reading this is a Reid- give yourself an uppercut and another one for good measure)
Now my my jaw hurts
Ha ha! I didn't mean it literally Shane.
Words of art. Epic series of social observation and the realities of comical life. . Keep shining the light on surfings true diamonds.
You bastards have got me laughing out loud.
Not many better feelings than that.
Thanks .
We all know a Shane or two. HA HA, very enjoyable.
Shane Reid looks uncannily like Shane Stedman in his 70s heyday.
I was thinking the guy from Notting Hill
https://hookedonhouses.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/Hugh-Grants-flat-i...
There is another character from Toonalook who seems to have escaped satirical attention, (possibly because there's so many of them). He's the pushing 40's guy with the very latest DHD/JS Industries cutting-edge thruster. You know the one, he surfs like a complete gimp but in his mind he's still 'goin-off' like he did when he was 20. He will proudly never ride a board that is suited to his age, standard of fitness or skill level, (especially his skill level). Driven by a desperate need to be part of "the crew" he travels in packs to Bali, still hangs around the local pointscore in his Bintang attire and always displays the obligatory boardrider's club sticker on his 4x4.
You don't know that guy? Come to Evans Head sometime.
Holy shit, as I was reading this I was laughing in my head thinking you were describing exactly a guy I surfed with over the weekend... in Evans Head....
A close relative of the 20-30 year old buck with similar choice in board. Appears to be performing for an invisible judging panel on the beach by fitting in 3 achingly forced reo's where 1 or 2 would've sufficed. Engages in countless personal 'paddle battles' as though there is 1 min left on the clock to get the score. Despite catching 30 waves that session does not smile once.
solitude..that guy??..so well described..AND they don't just lord it over their home break, they take their whole "game-face" to the Ment's (or wherever)..and just as you're about to have an amazing sub-tropical session for 3 hours with just 3 out..which you've paid $6k+/- for the pleasure - he turn's the ideal session into a formula one race for supremacy...WTF?
I'd like to add this..no matter how good your tail waft, or how hard you look back over the shoulder at the remains of your last rooster tail; that is into the lineup, to see who else saw it.....no ones watchin' you mate, and no-one cares, because (IMO) real surfers are more interested in waves and what nature gives us, than what you do on them, so just enjoy each wave for what it is, because you're not turning pro any time soon...you're 30 mate...
...that's satisfying - whinging..haven't had one all day~! ha.
Oh man, think I might be the 'pushing 50 guy' and still partially on that treadmill..... Was never up to boardriders spec. though, thank fuck eh, then it coulda been a bunch more boxes ticked!
Shit, I gotta wake up and get myself some extra foam. Ha, love it.
Ahhh Evans is a special place. A Mal town thru and thru and redneck to the hilt. A lot to like about a place that is still bonafide country on the coast. But a perennial demonstration of what selfish low miserable grubs 90% of all surfers are. Visit Evans when you need a fix of 60+ year old Mal riders abusing young kids about “getting off their wave”, when it’s cracking 1foot at the town beach, 10am on a summers Saturday morning.
Hardly any of the old bastards can trim let alone turn, yet somehow wake up everyday in some abstract Morning of the Earth scene. Also visit when it’s 6 foot for the cracking points, because none of the old Mary’s can handle anything resembling challenging surf.
A beavertail and a twinny. Even no leggy and a twinny.
Shane-O's got his eras all mixed up.
The kind of guy who'd wear a jump suit to a 60s party.
Since when does a hipster think about historic accuracy instead of how "far out" he / she looks?.
Loving this series. Great imagery. The way Gra makes me feel we're imagining the same stretch of coast is quite genius...…….I guess that's the point of Toona and it's characters. Thank you and look forward to the next installment.
bahahhaa this is gold! Keep em' coming fellas
Surfers are the worst.
lol good writing and drawing! The dog in the pic... my bro had that happen to his bodyboard cover on the beach once, hilarious!
I unfortunately have put up with such a person in my circle too.
Faarkin vegetarian hippie with the wildest quiver you've ever seen. Not a standard thruster to be found anywhere. Doesn't watch much t.v but reads a lot of 'out there' shit.
He seems to always be just in front of the barrel , never quite in it ,but still claims a Lopez moment with a soul arch over the shoulder like he's the second coming.
What's wrong with a clean finish " 'ol man layback"?
So long as they are smiling!
Can someone please provide further clarification on what a suitable board, personal style, attitude, age and belief-system would be to not be mocked by a bunch of hypocrites? So far I have no twin fins or beards, wear a leg rope and find out what 5G means.
Well artisan eggs on toast at the local cafe. An original MR RIP off twin fin from a backyard shaper in Wallsend or Kotara. Believes that those that live by what their heart dictates are demi-gods. Are usually 34 and a 1/2.
Go vanilla danielson and you will remain unnoticed
Apart from the real danger of a loose board, I love seeing characters in the lineup. Good for a laugh if nothing else. We're all someone's pet hate. Just use a leggy and some manners and do your thing. Fucking own it. Rock the beard, the weird craft, whatever makes you feel free. I'll still mutter 'wanker' when I see you, but I'll do it with a warm smile on my face. I like your work, ding alley, but don't get too fashion police on us.
I hear ya and agree, rooftop. It's a fine balance between giving it enough bite to be amusing, and being mean and judgemental hey. It's funny, I had your sentiments ringing in my ear when I was working through revisions of this – the original draft had Shane-o just kooking and failing to get through any boardriders as a kid, but that got revised to him neither succeeding nor enjoying the comp thing... I think the biggest challenge for me (if Swellnet is kind enough to keep running Ding Alley) will be learning how to write satire while maintaining compassion for the subject. Something like that anyway!
I reckon you’ve already struck that balance. No need to tone it down to bland.
Just give it to everyone evenly- just as everyone deserves it - and there can be no hard feelings.
No matter who you are , what’s between your legs or your ears , the colour of your skin or the size of your wallet ....someone ,somewhere thinks you’re a wanker. That’s life.
Yeah but Roofie makes a good point. It's easy to write people off etc, but better to do it in a way that recognizes the humanity. How well The Alley can pull it off remains to be seen. All good.
Appreciate the response, Gra. It's definitely a tightrope.
"Just give it to everyone evenly- just as everyone deserves it - and there can be no hard feelings."
This is pretty key I reckon. It's pretty standard for Hipsters to be dished out more than their fair share of shit. I'm hoping to soon see the article that balances the scales.
TISM
Profound wisdom Blowin
No matter who you are .... someone, somewhere thinks you’re a wanker.
Blowin, that third para could be your greatest piece of writing. Epic.
Blowin I have read the odd (5000 or so) comments from you in these forums. I like this one the most. You're right no matter who you are someone thinks you're a wanker.
Being oblivious to that though is bliss.
Don’t worry Rooftop, I’ve seen Gra sans legrope, chasing after his board, face all red and exhausted. There’s a bit of Gra in his depiction of Shane
There's a bit of us all in Shane, and a bit of Shane in all of us, etc.
My 2 cents worth - don’t overthink it gra
It’s funny - go with it
Two quotes come to mind
1) Tragedy is when I step into a small puddle- humour is when you fall into an open sewer : Oscar Wilde I think
2) never forget to laugh at yourself - you just might be missing the best joke going around - dame Edna ...I think
Thanks for the laughs
That was brilliant! And some of the comments were also hilarious! Cheers.
Well said Rooftop.....
Can we formalize what rooftop said into the Australia's constitution somewhere?
Spent a Perth Glory game or 2 inside the shed and can tell you there are wankers world wide judging by the chorus.
Stuff political correctness.
made my day, had a good laugh.
For some reason I seem to have become quite good at catching stray unleashed boards. Each time I hold onto them until I can see the said owner pop up, make eye contact and then gently point them to shore and help them on their way. Those logs in particular can be stubborn....you got to point them properly and give them a good nudge to make sure they hit the beach. The look on the guys faces is so worth the little extra effort.
10/10
What an effective vehicle for disparaging anyone who believes 5G is harmful. Surely the order came from the IMF.
Anyone know someone who's daddy works there?
Great article. Keep ‘em coming. By the way, someone mentioned that “Evans Head” guy. Fark me, I nearly spat out my coffee. We have that exact dude at my local. He’s also the self appointed mayor of the beach. Mind you, it’s characters like these that keep surfing interesting. For better or for worse.
Excellent!! My fav character is Barry Cornell. Surely he has a son or nephew you could tell us about? I met his cousin
I liked "– a decade into curating a soul/retro persona..." at 23 that means Shane started at 13, pretty self aware I reckon.
Oscar langburne?
Normaly I just ignore the nobs and every wave Daves and concentrate on the waves, put my self in the best position and wait my turn, usually works. One surf I was out at a local shitty beach break with another guy who surfs pretty good and some guy in his thirties covered in 'tough stickers'. Im not into shit fights and hassles, I turned around took off and the guy with the Tatts blatantly dropped in on me and into a tube. I came off the bottom and pulled in just in front of him and my leggy got caught in his nose and we both fell off. When we got on the boards he told me to fuck off that was his wave ! then he paddled out the back told the other guy to 'fuck off my wave', got a wave and went in ! never saw that guy again.
Like MP, he stopped surfing at the apex of his ability.
Been a long time lurker thought I had better post as this article struck a chord.
Longtime resident on a certain volcanic Island down south blessed with a great variety of characters.
Reading this article and some of the replies to it reminded me of an idea I once had.
Was going to send this as a letter to the local paper a few years ago but its been in drafts since.
THE KELPIES
Our community could have a Logies style Surf community presentation night maybe call the awards the Kelpies (the seaweed not the dog).
Of course we would have Kelpies for the usual awards, most popular shaper,best surfers in all the age groups and surfing craft, most improved, hardest charger, best up and coming junior, best coach etc etc but to make it interesting we could also give out the following Kelpies.
"Most Determined Weekend Warrior."
This Kelpie would go to the regular weekend surfer that travels the furthest to surf their beloved regular.
Usually recognisable by the number of surf shop stickers adorning their vehicle.
"Biggest board collector."
All those that collect boards and don’t ride any of them would be encouraged to display their collections on one of the communities bigger Sporting Ovals and who ever has the most wins the Kelpie. Might keep some of the local trucking companies in business during a quite winter.
"Best Beach Conservationist."
Not to be confused with the best Beach conversationalist (see carpark tragic).
This award would be judged by the number of "save the …… stickers" multiplied by how many local committees that person is on.
Best Carpark Conversationalist also known as the "Carpark Tragic award"
This award would be won by the person voted to have spent the most time in their home away from home surf carpark and how much time they spend talking to their fellow surfers who just want to get out there.
The following formula would be applied… amount of time talking, divided by time actually spent surfing, multiplied by actual surfing skill on a scale of one to five.
Best Excuse for riding a SUP.
We have heard them all. “I need a new challenge” “My back was shot” I want to build up my core” Need it to do yoga on”. This award would go to the SUPer who has the highest wave count or run over the most surfers or who has the shiniest imported Euro SUV to put it on. Lots of possibilities in this category even who has blown the most waves by actually being blown off them during a strong offshore.
Best Charger Kook
This would be awarded to the surfer who continually paddles the furthest inside yells oi oi oi makes the drop and rides the white water shoreward to the channel paddles back out and furthest inside giving everyone the stink eye. Surprisingly enough not often seen at the heavier reef breaks.
Best Surf Whisperer
Surf shop employees would be hot favourites for this Kelpie. You know where a really good new sandbank has formed... you have surfed it by yourself the last few days. You go into the local surfshop for a block of wax and start chatting to the surf shop person. Next day that sandbank has 30 crew on it.
The Solo Soul Kelpie.
Another formula for this one.
This one goes to the person who walks the furtherest multiplied by time in the water divided by how crap the surf is on a scale of 1 to 5. Highest score wins. (could be in the running for this one just quietly.)
Hypocrite Hottie award
A strong favourite here whinging about blow ins but a driving force behind the "National Surfing Reserve".
The list could go on and on..... loudest two minute local, best surf networker, most ambitious surfing kid parent (Kelly Dad/Mum), Most over coached robotic grom.......but we will leave it there.
The awards could be held in the morning with a celebration of surfing later at the most crowded local break.
Soft boards only anything goes, now that would be a tourism event in itself.
Excellent mate!! What about best shoulder hopper? The 70 year old fucktard on a motorised Waldo Mal (seriously) that powers onto the shoulder of every fucking wave that has someone on the inside, apparently deaf as a post to "oi fuck off!!"...only to stand there, locked in one stance like a geriatric statue? Anyone who's surfed Greeny recently knows who I'm talking about :)
Don't forget the 'Past glory boys'
I probably qualify.
Excellent.
Great stuff.
There's also the "Fuck No, You Go" award. This is the one who, despite you being in the perfect spot for a no-paddle takeoff, takes their turn but pulls back on half of the set waves at the last minute cos they're gonna be a tiny bit late.
Good one Rockyisland. You have covered most surfers in a comical way.
You forgot to add a few though.
The bloke who has to say hi to all his fellow locals so everyone can see him, then not even glance at the blowins.
The bloke who does all that after paddling out then describes all his previous sessions he has had at the spot, including tides, wind and swell direction.
The bloke who when there is only two of you out, would rather stick a hot needle through his eye than give you as much as a nod gesture to show he is only fucking human.
RockyIsland - great list of awards! Also, you've made it empirical and so it will be easy to measure and tally most of the awards, kudos. I'd be there but out of the running for the best board collector - some of the crew around are serious!
an award for Savage Cunt.....Two I can think of one at Injidup after a guy punches another in the head , can't get enough punches in so waits on the beach for the guy with a rock which he uses to smash the guys board up when he gets in......The other, some guy jumps anther at Ullus and wraps his leggy around his neck and gives him a good old choking.
you missed one,
when all the members in a long board club discriminate against a local surfer whom has a mental illness.
they should be ashamed of themselves
Be strong Bipolar. Fuck those caaaarnts.
Geez I missed heaps.
Could be a long night.....just need some surf celebs to hand out a Kelpie and make some stir the pot speeches.
What about these guys? We all know a couple.
The bloke that mightn't necessarily be the best surfer in the line up but always seems to be on the best waves that come through.
You know.........a big wide set comes through and catches the pack out. But he just happens to be 'almost' out the back after his last wave and is in perfect position to catch one. Turns out to be wave of the day. Many other variations of this innate ability to be in the right spot when it counts.
*Im not one of those blokes.
there is a type here in the south west, new 10ft gun, patagonia life jacket, 15ft leggie, usually a 200 series landcruiser or similar, new everything, wanders around showboating looking like hes waiting for the Eddie Aikau contest to start, soon as the surf is over 8ft hes nowhere to be seen , not a rare bird either
Sounds like the less popular cousin from over east.
You know, bought a new ski cause everyone else was doing it last time Kirra broke. Didn’t realise that on the east coast jet skis are for families towing donuts or for surf lifesaving water patrol. So to justify the investment will be seen towing into 4 foot point breaks or any time quiet beachies get overhead. Is dropped off to the main crew at said beach break for a paddle and feels the need to let anyone in the vicinity know he’d be right if he wasn’t on his 5’10
Gold. Would like to add a rare species that may be endemic to a certain area on the east coast, done a bit of travelling and never spotted another of his kind. Stands atop a 2 stroke powered contraption, decked out head to toe in every conceivable article of neoprene you can think of. Starts out his session wide of any crew surfing but slowly sneaks across to impart wake and nausea inducing 2 stroke fumes throughout the lineup. Known to wildly gesticulate and mouth unintelligible obscenities, both at his own performance, post every wave, and at any request to take his ryobi powered Frankencraft and leave the place in peace.
nothing changes
Gra, you could do the soon to be pensioned off knob jockey who is going to be free of work soon and intends to be a thorn in anybody’s side, not intentionally, just because he made it all the way to average beach break surfer and wants to climb back to those glory days.
That’d be me.