Local Soul Guy Slightly Less Smug After Fifth Swim to Beach
Toonalook Backbeach, last Wednesday. Local soul surfer Shane Reid's annoying air of superiority took a well-deserved setback today thanks to a number of tiring swims to retrieve his weird twin-fin.
Reid, 23 – a decade into curating a soul/retro persona after finding neither enjoyment nor success in the Toona Junior Boardriders competitive arena – is seen by some as proud custodian of Toona’s golden heritage, and by others as a nice enough fella, but so desperately in thrall to the idea of some mythical era as to be looked on with either pity or loathing, depending on your mood.
Reid met up with friend Roscoe Clements at Toona’s Backbeach lookout at 3.00pm and with the crisp westerlies of May throwing the head-high groundswell into pleasing symmetry, the decision was made to session the slightly less populated bank down near the creek mouth.
“We were getting changed and straight away it was clear Reidy was going Mach-10 Soul mode,” recalls Clements, who holds the dubious honour of being Shane’s best mate. “He’s rockin’ a beavertail, using paraffin to wax up one of those weird parallel rail twin fin things that only frothing geniuses like Torren Martyn can make sense of, and straight away he’s on my case for how lame I am for using a legrope on a head-high beachie.”
“Like, I can see where he’s coming from, but A) the tide was dropping and there were a few closeouts, B) there were a couple of other surfers out there, and C) that twinny of Reidy’s might look good under his arm on his instagram but he hasn’t exactly unlocked its otherworldly secrets of planing and trim the way his heroes might.”
“Reidy’s a mate but when he comes over all holier-than-thou I gotta admit there’s times I wanna smack that Ned-Kelly-Bearded face of his.”
Reid, who adorns his boards with Sea Shepherd stickers, continued to berate his friend about his ‘infantile dependence’ on the legrope as they made their way down to the water’s edge, digressing only to theorise that 5G is almost certainly a driver of the current COVID-19 pandemic.
Those present on the beach observed Reid’s derivative posturing and body language with distaste.
Long term Toonalook resident Bea Smith, 78, out walking her beagle at the time, commented “Strutting peacock that boy is. Poser’s what I reckon.”
Local kingpin Barry Cornell, sucking down the last of a gasper at the water’s edge before paddling out to the main peak, offered no opinion than to say ‘Fuck you and fuck orf. You can quote me on that. You’re that Caaarrnt from Ding Alley wot wrote me off on Swellnet last month.”
Other beachgoers were simply observed shaking their heads sadly at the sight of Reid’s final adjustments to his beavertail suit at the water’s edge.
Disdain soon turned to joy for onlookers, however, as Reid lost his board five times in half an hour.
On each occasion he was forced to swim all the way to the beach.
“It was beautiful” confided a quietly elated Clements: “the first time he swam in he was all like ‘it's a good workout’ and ‘I’m feeling the flow’ and stuff, but you could see him getting more and more frustrated. By the third swim you could see he was pissed; by the fifth he was fully losing his shit, swearing and carrying on.
“He’d be madly swimming after his board and every time he'd get to within a few strokes of it, a little whitewater’d come through and take it out of his reach.
“Ironically it makes me believe that there might be some kind of karmic force driving the ways of the ocean after all, ’cos anything that wipes that I'm-more-in-tune-with-the-great-mysteries-of-the-ocean-than-you smirk off his face… well, there’s some kind of magic at work.”
// DING ALLEY
Ding Alley is two mates, ’toonist David @maccatoons McArthur and writerer Gra Murdoch. Their groovy collab is named in honour of a contentious Vicco left hander that’s either garbage (Macca’s opinion) or sublime (according to Murdoch).