Erik Logan Visits Toonalook

Ding Alley
Ding Alley

SPECIAL REPORT: World Surf League top banana Erik ‘ELO’ Logan has been secretly embedded in the humble surf village of Toonalook for the last week, Ding Alley has learnt today.

While it’s unclear how Mr Logan managed to circumvent current international travel restrictions, it’s believed the purpose of his visit – scouting vital content for the WSL Studios’ many and varied series of productions – has qualified him for exemption under the Humanitarian Services Act. 

Regretfully, the Toonalook mission appears to have been in vain, with the only storylines of note generated during evening role-play workshops conducted in Mr Logan’s suite at the Toona Gardens Budget Motel.

For readers not familiar with the WSL’s agenda, professional surfing’s governing body, unfulfilled by merely running contests, set itself the task of ‘owning’ as much of surfing’s cultural and storytelling space as possible. It’s worth bearing in mind that this plan was activated well before COVID-19 put the brakes on international competition,

Those who’ve tuned in to the WSL’s free-to-view, technically-brilliant competition webcasts over recent years have doubtless seen promotions for several WSL-produced programmes aiming to cover surfing’s spectrum beyond the competitive arena. Here are just a few: 

‘Brilliant Corners’ visits rarely-seen coastlines and communities such as PNG, Madagascar and India, and contains uplifting scenes of Caucasian visitors high-fiving local youngsters – eyes wide with excitement, and in some cases, malnourishment. 

‘Unboxing things with Koa Smith.’ A series dedicated to the unwrapping of shiny new products and conceived, presumably, as perfect counterpoint to ‘Brilliant Corners’. One episode is synopsized on the WSL site thus: “Koa Smith opens up, rides, and almost lands a backflip on a fresh Hubboards boogie board that basically breaks the Shaka Scale. He then catches and releases a pesky backyard rat with a new humane trap.”

‘Transformed.’ Tales of the intensely healing power of surfing: where the more wartorn / minoritised / bleak the setting, the better to demonstrate the magical elixir of waveriding.

Such productions that capture surfing’s nuance are in constant need of replenishing, hence Mr Logan’s undercover sojourn to the sleepy East Coast hamlet. 

As this internal WSL memo reads: “The archetypal surf town of Toonalook, with its rich cast of surfing characters, is sure to provide compelling material for several of our WSL Studios series.”

To Ding Alley’s understanding, Mr Logan’s efforts to source tales of salty authenticity have been thwarted at every instance, with surfing seeming to occupy a distinctly unremarkable place in Toona’s social fabric.

“Yeah, that Seppo caaarrnt with the teeth hit me up last Tuesday,” notorious local enforcer Barry Cornell told Ding Alley. “Asked me if I knew of any Down Syndrome kids nearby who’d be up for a surf lesson with a Pommy longboarder, or if there were any reffos in the area he could get the Gudaskas brothers to run a second-hand board-drive for.” 

“Told the Caaarrnt to Fark Orf back to Disney-Farken-Land, Farken Seppo Caaarrnt.” 

Josh Cassidy, local electrician, found himself in conversation with the Santa Monica creative powerhouse while attending a callout to Toona Gardens Budget Motel. 

Noticing Cassidy’s canine companion ‘Nugget’ barking genially from the Hilux tray, Logan enquired how often Toonalook’s dog owners strapped their pets into life vests, paddled them out on longboards and posted clips on Instagram of their hounds “enjoying the glide”. 

“I told ‘im, nah mate, dogs here just hang out, eat and chase each other 'round, ya know, do what dogs do… But it’s like he didn’t hear me, just started bangin’ on about how if ya can strap a pair of sunnies on ya dog surfing ya get heaps more shares and likes or whatever. 

“That’s when he tried to whack his sunnies on Nug’s noggin.

“Deadset mate, I’ve never seen Nug seriously go someone like that hey.”

Wherever the architect of surfing’s global narrative has turned, Toonalook’s surfing populace has provided nothing but disappointment.

The area’s female surfers, for instance, insist on wearing wetsuits and turning their boards, thus breaking every rule in the WSL’s social media rulebook, where lithe cross-steppers wearing as little as possible on tiny runners garner pervy eyeballs while still ticking the #empowerment box.

To compound matters, surfers of both sexes and all ages have been observed regularly picking up plastic off the tideline and placing it in carpark bins without being compelled to first instagram a mandala of the detritus whilst bleating about awareness and ‘being the change’. 

“What kind of madness is this?” Mr Logan was heard wondering aloud, “I’ve got a roster of surfers who’ll fly thousands of miles to make a plastic mandala on a beach in Bali and raise awareness about our fragile planet.”

And though it cannot be confirmed, anecdotal reports have Mr Logan co-operating with local law enforcement after approaching young surfers outside ToonaPies Bakery and asking to film them unboxing some prototype WSL surf-action figurines. 

Mr Logan’s hopes for a ‘Transformed’ episode were raised one morning witnessing several of Toona’s Koorie contingent tearing a backbeach bank, but when approached on exiting the water, charismatic Koorie spokesperson Jarrah Day sighed, smiled wearily, and said, “Yeah… Nah mate …”

Perhaps the only ray of light was found in a brief carpark exchange with area realtor Matty Sherman, where a common history of relentless self-improvement, penchant for dental veneers, and the core strength brought about by SUP paddling was candidly shared.

A leaked email reporting back to WSL headquarters from Mr Logan indicates the level of his frustration. 

“Toonalook adds no content of value to the WSL’s representation of surfing. Though the men, women, girls and boys of this area appear to enjoy their surfing very much, I have seen no evidence of it empowering anyone to ‘find their voice by speaking truth to power’. No-one unboxes products to camera and young surfers of all races and creeds appear indifferent to my high-fiving overtures. 

“I fear we must abandon Toonalook as a lost cause: Surfing plays a large role in many lives here, yet no-one feels the need to convert it into any useful currency. 

“‘Content’ here appears to be an adjective, rather than a noun, and as such is useless for our purposes.”

In an interesting late development, however, local soul surfer Shane Reid reports seeing Mr Logan late yesterday afternoon with a freshly purchased 6’2” Toonastix shooter under one arm, carton of Toona Ale longnecks under the other, swag and supplies strapped to his back, determinedly marching in the direction of the National Park’s deserted stretch of beaches. 

This latest confirmed sighting of Toonalook’s illustrious visitor suggests his quest for Content may still be in progress.

“Sold him an ounce of bush buds, by the way,” smiled Shane.

// DING ALLEY

Ding Alley is Illustrator David @maccatoons McArthur and aspiring writerer Gra Murdoch. This article is looooong enough already, so no longwinded reminisces this time round!

Comments

rrr's picture
rrr's picture
rrr Friday, 26 Jun 2020 at 10:41am

ahhhh..... so good !
barry cornell tells it how he see's it . classic

Galsurf's picture
Galsurf's picture
Galsurf Tuesday, 30 Jun 2020 at 10:50am

to borrow and butcher a good line from Bruce Springsteen's seminal .Born To Run ,
"the surfers down here don't post nuthin' at all they just surf, and let it all BE!"

neville-beats-buddha's picture
neville-beats-buddha's picture
neville-beats-buddha Friday, 26 Jun 2020 at 11:07am

Clearly Toonalookers are doing it all wrong.

Al Wiese's picture
Al Wiese's picture
Al Wiese Friday, 26 Jun 2020 at 11:11am

Gold but sadly incorrect,
He's here scouting sites for an AFL hub style conclusion to the WSL season.
Other contenders the Tulula Tub and Adelaide Oval?
Just as well bazza never twigged.

Ape Anonymous's picture
Ape Anonymous's picture
Ape Anonymous Friday, 26 Jun 2020 at 11:28am

I love you Ding Alley

Blowin's picture
Blowin's picture
Blowin Friday, 26 Jun 2020 at 11:29am

Thanks very much , guys.

Rabbits68's picture
Rabbits68's picture
Rabbits68 Friday, 26 Jun 2020 at 11:37am

“Deadset mate, I’ve never seen Nug seriously go someone like that hey.”

Haha! Brilliant. Cheers!

Eugene Green's picture
Eugene Green's picture
Eugene Green Friday, 26 Jun 2020 at 12:26pm

Beauty mate.

Island Bay's picture
Island Bay's picture
Island Bay Friday, 26 Jun 2020 at 12:45pm

"The area’s female surfers, for instance, insist on wearing wetsuits and turning their boards..."

So good.

Andrew P's picture
Andrew P's picture
Andrew P Friday, 26 Jun 2020 at 12:54pm

Best yet

seaslug's picture
seaslug's picture
seaslug Friday, 26 Jun 2020 at 1:07pm

Fantastic. I think Paleo Pete should visit Toonalook soon to spruik his wares

bluediamond's picture
bluediamond's picture
bluediamond Friday, 26 Jun 2020 at 2:58pm

haha. Ripper!

Tooold2bakook's picture
Tooold2bakook's picture
Tooold2bakook Friday, 26 Jun 2020 at 4:29pm

Best yet! Cheers guys

mikehunt207's picture
mikehunt207's picture
mikehunt207 Friday, 26 Jun 2020 at 6:07pm

No mention of an "Acai Bowl" anywhere in Toonalook either ? and I thought I was the only one that thought Koa Smith was a utter total wanker (guy can tuberide but jeeze shut up "dude"-please)
Thanks Ding Alley, this might be the best work to date IMO

Spuddups's picture
Spuddups's picture
Spuddups Friday, 26 Jun 2020 at 6:05pm

Best one yet I reckon.

NDC's picture
NDC's picture
NDC Friday, 26 Jun 2020 at 6:24pm

Yes please - chuckled along to that ... tops

gill69's picture
gill69's picture
gill69 Friday, 26 Jun 2020 at 7:08pm

Brilliant. Living in a small surf town, I'm constantly matching these characters to real people here. We have two Barry Cornells, and a Matty Sherman. Wonder if Toona has any foil boarding SUP idiots? Faaarken hope not!

Qld1973's picture
Qld1973's picture
Qld1973 Friday, 26 Jun 2020 at 8:07pm

What breed dog is Nugget? I'm a sparky with a hilux and my kelpie needs to know!

Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch Friday, 26 Jun 2020 at 8:13pm
Boda's picture
Boda's picture
Boda Friday, 26 Jun 2020 at 9:18pm

Best one yet.

tubeshooter's picture
tubeshooter's picture
tubeshooter Friday, 26 Jun 2020 at 9:33pm

The wozzle abandoning Toonalook haha ,, they'll be back. "salty authenticity" be damned . Elo was just scouting locations for the VIP areas

servant's picture
servant's picture
servant Friday, 26 Jun 2020 at 10:19pm

Excellent again boys. So relatable. Thank you for another good laugh.
FYI: ELO is actually a recent "drinker of the Cool-Ade", ie seduced by "the dark side", yep, a SUP paddler! (note: I intentionally did not write SUP surfer, because that is an oxymoron)
Say no more!
Is Toonalook inundated with the scourge of the SUP subset too!?
Have I got some recent ripper stories if you're interested, that are hilarious encounters, but would make any experienced surfer's hair stand on end, with these, (as politely as I can muster), vast majority, clowns.

gsco's picture
gsco's picture
gsco Saturday, 27 Jun 2020 at 7:04am

yep best one yet, sums it up perfectly.

bellavista's picture
bellavista's picture
bellavista Saturday, 27 Jun 2020 at 9:29am

Jarrah Day completely captures my feeling towards WSL . Yeah ...... Nah !

zenagain's picture
zenagain's picture
zenagain Saturday, 27 Jun 2020 at 10:08am

"eyes wide with excitement, and in some cases, malnourishment."

Almost spat my coffee out. Cruel but funny.

dwc's picture
dwc's picture
dwc Saturday, 27 Jun 2020 at 12:18pm

Absolutely hilarious! Best one yet.
Harsh, yet quite a fair piss-take on WSL.

rooftop's picture
rooftop's picture
rooftop Saturday, 27 Jun 2020 at 12:29pm

Hit it over the fence again, fellas.

Fonzie's picture
Fonzie's picture
Fonzie Saturday, 27 Jun 2020 at 8:34pm

So good, nailed it once again.

andy-mac's picture
andy-mac's picture
andy-mac Sunday, 28 Jun 2020 at 8:11am

Absolute classic!!!!

Finntim's picture
Finntim's picture
Finntim Sunday, 28 Jun 2020 at 1:25pm

+1 Zen, this had me reaching for the sponge. So good!

Chris T's picture
Chris T's picture
Chris T Monday, 29 Jun 2020 at 8:14am

laughed till l cried have to agree gotta be the best one and its such a high standard of writing to beat

gsco's picture
gsco's picture
gsco Monday, 29 Jun 2020 at 8:47am

The WSL is slowly morphing into an AI bot that just spams idyllic So Cal insta lifestyles reflecting 0.01% of and ultimately divorcing itself from the global surfing population, with the final effect of losing its core surfer market and causing depression, anxiety, jealousy and insecurity in ordinary people.

Halibut's picture
Halibut's picture
Halibut Tuesday, 30 Jun 2020 at 9:29am

Thanks for highlighting the pro-surfing phenomena as a concept entirely devoid of a sense of irony.....or humour. I am so glad the women's surfing attire got a mention. I was beginning to wonder if it was just me. I have been struggling to understand the purpose of the obligatory 'almost g-string' that the women in all those freesurfing/longboarding clips are obliged? coerced? choose? to wear.

christopher.jones's picture
christopher.jones's picture
christopher.jones Monday, 29 Jun 2020 at 12:10pm

Very good.

Old Gregg's picture
Old Gregg's picture
Old Gregg Tuesday, 30 Jun 2020 at 9:02am

“where a common history of relentless self-improvement, penchant for dental veneers, and the core strength brought about by SUP paddling was candidly shared.”
... what a pearler

SI's picture
SI's picture
SI Tuesday, 30 Jun 2020 at 1:56pm

Nice article and good “Content”. Putting two and two together Gra, Only know one Ding alley which I grew up surfing, and one Gra that might match...Looks like that ounce could get some help from Larry Lungfucker if Larry is still alive.

Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch Tuesday, 30 Jun 2020 at 6:06pm

Oh God. Larry Lungfucker! What naughty youngsters we were! (Jesus, can't believe we texta'd everyone's names down the stem of that beast) ... sling us an email gramurdochis(at)outlook.com if ya wanna! cheers!

Remigogo's picture
Remigogo's picture
Remigogo Tuesday, 30 Jun 2020 at 7:18pm

Great stuff...

batfink's picture
batfink's picture
batfink Wednesday, 1 Jul 2020 at 8:40am

I'm gaining quite an affection for the village and townsfolk of Toonalook.

Ha. Spellcheck changes Toonalook to Too aloof!

D-Rex's picture
D-Rex's picture
D-Rex Wednesday, 1 Jul 2020 at 5:45pm

Bit of a cheap shot at EL, What happened to pseudonyms, Gra?

Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch Wednesday, 1 Jul 2020 at 7:12pm

I think a pseudonym would be futile mate, it would obviously be the head cheese of the Woz, thinly veiled. And as opposed to the everyman / archetype, this chap wields enormous personal power over significant elements of something I cherish, so I'm perfectly comfortable with holding him up to the scrutiny of satire. Cheers.

Johan Wohlleben's picture
Johan Wohlleben's picture
Johan Wohlleben Wednesday, 1 Jul 2020 at 11:54pm

Oh my, third read and it just gets funnier. Supreme pisstake!!

Craig's picture
Craig's picture
Craig Thursday, 2 Jul 2020 at 7:50am

Yep, the more you read the better it gets! And that cartoon, haha!

Tabby10's picture
Tabby10's picture
Tabby10 Thursday, 2 Jul 2020 at 2:46pm

Top shelf piss take

Tabby10's picture
Tabby10's picture
Tabby10 Thursday, 2 Jul 2020 at 2:51pm

“He then catches and releases a pesky backyard rat with a new humane trap” hahaha classic

dangerouskook2000's picture
dangerouskook2000's picture
dangerouskook2000 Saturday, 4 Jul 2020 at 8:44pm

Thank you for telling the truth, I thought I was the only one that felt that way. Love your work guys, Look forward to reading your stuff every time. Piss funny

views from the cockpit's picture
views from the cockpit's picture
views from the ... Tuesday, 7 Jul 2020 at 5:44pm

Just catching up.
Belly laughs all along. Poignant piss takes everywhere.
Thanks heaps fellas!

Jono's picture
Jono's picture
Jono Friday, 30 Jun 2023 at 12:58pm

Forgot how good this one was.

Standingleft's picture
Standingleft's picture
Standingleft Friday, 30 Jun 2023 at 1:36pm

Ding Alley laugh out loud in public, folk staring + Macca, so good.

Iced vovo's picture
Iced vovo's picture
Iced vovo Friday, 30 Jun 2023 at 1:44pm

I love that Elo's outfit is beige, so befitting.

gsco's picture
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gsco Friday, 30 Jun 2023 at 3:04pm

lol, great stuff

Vitchman's picture
Vitchman's picture
Vitchman Friday, 30 Jun 2023 at 3:37pm

congrats to all involved. dense with no-holes-barred ozzie surf satire... absolutely loved it! congrats again...eeuuuwww

rooftop's picture
rooftop's picture
rooftop Friday, 30 Jun 2023 at 4:02pm

So, so good. We need you back, Ding Alley!

And where's the book? C'mon publishers, pull your finger out!

dan@shoreline's picture
dan@shoreline's picture
dan@shoreline Friday, 30 Jun 2023 at 8:18pm

The pinnacle of pro surf comps is when they called it off at Fiji in 2012? When it was to big to hold the contest, but they free surfed with the live feed still going, we all knew who won that day, SURFING, and even me stuck at home watching won, I was pretty fuckin excited, not like now

mattlock's picture
mattlock's picture
mattlock Friday, 30 Jun 2023 at 10:35pm

Maybe ELO can retire to Toonalook.
Waste away his days in Bazza's [BnB] shed with Shano's bush buds.

tubeshooter's picture
tubeshooter's picture
tubeshooter Friday, 30 Jun 2023 at 11:15pm

Last seen leaving Toonas' Centrelink office and heading towards the bottlo with the $20 he scored from hocking his SUP at Cashies.

huggie11's picture
huggie11's picture
huggie11 Saturday, 1 Jul 2023 at 8:37am

A well written, funny and uniquely Aussie beatdown, The best 'editorial' about the WSL ever thanks to Gra Murdoch for this fine piece. Hopefully Starkey will get the nod and get in there and do things better. He's got the balls to ride big waves and can manage the WSL. The only events worth watching are big Pipe, Big Teahupoo, Nazare and Peahi. The rest of the events are pretty boring IMO.

flow's picture
flow's picture
flow Saturday, 1 Jul 2023 at 12:19pm

I hope Elo reads this.

theinsider's picture
theinsider's picture
theinsider Saturday, 1 Jul 2023 at 3:53pm

I can't help but wonder how Gonad Man might have reacted upon a chance encounter with Elo?

GONAD_MAN's picture
GONAD_MAN's picture
GONAD_MAN Monday, 3 Jul 2023 at 8:22am

I would give Elo a well deserved teabaging. ;)

theinsider's picture
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theinsider Monday, 3 Jul 2023 at 10:11am

I doubt Elo’s gob would stretch that wide, but it would be nice to try. Keep on keeping it real Naddsy!

truebluebasher's picture
truebluebasher's picture
truebluebasher Saturday, 1 Jul 2023 at 5:51pm

Kelly's mid season tear jerking end of the world drama fooled no one!
Toons held their poison pen...never sold out...refusing to chew down on their WSL rancid bait pack.
Gra was sniffing out bigger trouble ahead...Brazzo El Rancho Shoot Out ...
Cometh the Walt Disney Surf Crisis (Kaboom!) Cometh the Toonalookers to steal the Jester's Crown.

Toonalook classmates hassled hodad tbb to cue an entirely inappropriate ageist track for Gra!
Think it's meant to show our appreciation for our Booster dose of #1 swellnet humour...Welcome Back!

dawnperiscope's picture
dawnperiscope's picture
dawnperiscope Monday, 3 Jul 2023 at 7:47am

Love it! The serendipity of the anniversary of the article makes me feel really “content”.
Despite being written 3 years ago it’s a beautiful obituary.
Perhaps even Elo can find something real with a bag of buds in the natio and a new 6’2”. Hopefully theres no reception there.

truebluebasher's picture
truebluebasher's picture
truebluebasher Wednesday, 5 Jul 2023 at 10:26am

Thanx to dawnperiscope for bringing up that 3 year theme...
Just reading Steve's reimagining and 3 years too early with the unboxing is now central to the theme.

Add that Craig & Stu keep diggin' up WSL wave pools before they hatch...

#1 swellnet are truly ahead of the game...Salute!

Equally Spooky claim...We know wot swellnet soothsayers did last threepeat!
Crew's telepathic link to inhouse clairvoyant Steve...
https://www.swellnet.com/news/swellnet-dispatch/2023/07/05/farewell-elo-...

Stu's delusional Starkie epiphany...instantly wettin' our boardies.
"After speaking to someone who knows" ... Like that is way too Cryptic...did Stu summon Huey!
"Head kickin' Qldurr is not posh enough to give a fuck!"...fellow Qldurrz all say aye...ONE OF US!
Stu's Forum...continued...
thermalben / 1st July comment on 1st WSL CEO...that also chimes in around the 3 year CEO theme!
Thanx for sharing that Ben...relevant to wotz goin' down...swellnet are unravelling more each day!

#1 swellnet soothsayers are blowin' our tiny minds...we are not worthy!
https://www.swellnet.com/news/swellnet-dispatch/2023/06/30/erik-logan-de...