Local Waterman Spontaneously Combusts

Ding Alley
Ding Alley

The Toonalook surf community is reeling from the explosive demise of area real estate agent and self-described alpha waterman, Matty 'Muscles' Sherman, late Wednesday afternoon.

Sherman – 36 and in magnificent condition – reportedly checked the surf from the Toona backbeach lookout before sunrise, and appeared typically excited and upbeat to fellow early risers.



“Sherm was amping on the new swell like he always does,” recounts local sparky Josh Cassidy, also checking the surf that morning, “in the space of five minutes he must have mentioned a dozen different types of craft that would suit the conditions the best.”

Mr Sherman then returned home to consult the internet over a breakfast of activated Acai based superfoods, and having confirmed no swells-of-lifetimes were unloading anywhere within a 1000 km radius – and possibly enjoying a powerwank over that recent clip of Keahi de Aboitiz kitesurfing – he then set to work through an abbreviated version of the Lairdpower™ strength and conditioning routine.

“Sherm found the training essential for his watermanly lifestyle,” good friend and occasional tow partner Linus Canning told reporters “certainly helpful for the physicality of whatever the ocean had to throw at him, sure, but primarily needed for lugging and loading various surfcraft around the place. 

“Try getting a 30-foot Red Cedar SUP Ocean Racer on the roof of the Landcruiser on your own sometime and tell me you don’t need a kick arse regimen.”

Ding Alley can reveal that between 8.30 and 10.00am, neighbours report hearing Mr Sherman noisily loading his 4WD, trailer, and jetski trailer with his entire collection of surfcraft.

“At first I thought he was having a garage sale, or going camping or something” says long term Toona resident and notorious stickybeak Bea Smith, 78, “and I said as much across the fence ... he just muttered something about how I wouldn’t say that if I lived in ‘da’ islands, that no-one knows what the sea can throw at a man, and that he wouldn’t expect me to understand what deep passion drives him.

“He mentioned something about Atlantis, or Neptune, I think, but I'd already gone back inside by then and the tele was on so I can't say for sure.”

Mr Sherman and his convoy of trailers returned to the Toona backbeach carpark by 10.30am, and witnesses say he spent the next hour and a half unloading and transporting his flotilla of craft on to the beach.

“I asked him if he wanted a hand with the jetski trailer” recalls local grommet Gordon Davey “’cos the bullock harness he was wearing to haul it through the dunes looked pretty uncomfortable and he seemed a bit flustered ... he said he was alright and that it was good resistance training.”

Though there are no suspicions of foul play, police are investigating the events that followed.

“We’ve accessed the Swellnet surf cam archives to study the sequence of events that led to the deceased’s spontaneous combustion,” Senior Detective Constable Mal Padgett told Ding Alley, “and though the cams are famously buggy, we can ascertain that the victim brought his craft out on to the beach in the following order:

“Ocean-going SUP; traditional malibu; 16 foot paddleboard; one-man outrigger; flippers; jetski; 18 foot paddleboard; quad fin bat-tail; 18-foot clubbie ski; vintage lifesaving belt and reel; vintage hollow 'toothpick' craft; reconditioned Michael Peterson single fin dagger tail; authentic Paipo lie-down surf craft; high-performance 12 foot SUP; Peruvian fishing craft (traditional reed construction); heavily concaved finless surfboard; Campbell Brothers Bonzer; autographed George Greenough surf mat; various craft made from balsa, carbon fibre, aluminium and recycled plastic bottles; boulder for underwater running; authentic Morning of the Earth-era single fin hot dogger; Simmons-twin-fin keel fish; an actual fish (regulation size Jewy in tank); two unshaped blanks: four variations on foil boards (regular, stand up, tow, kite) McCoy Keel-Fin Lazor Zap; assorted Go Pro cameras and mounts, high-performance windsurfer; kite-board; hand-board: merman tail and axe.

“We were puzzled by the axe until Mr Sherman marched up the beach to the foreshore and carved himself out a Alaia out of a banksia tree.”

Beachgoers allege that through the afternoon, Mr Sherman remained on the beach, in an increased state of agitation wondering aloud which surfcraft to finally decide on before taking to the water.

On several occasions he was seen striding purposefully down the beach with a selected item of surf equipment underarm, only to falter at the water’s edge and return – as if pulled by gravity – to his pile of gear.

At dusk, Josh Cassidy – who’d met Sherman at their early morning surf check – came out of the water and the pair exchanged the pleasantries that would prove to be fatal.

“He asked me how it was and what he should ride” recalls a still clearly shaken Cassidy. “I just said it was sick fun. I’d had three surfs through the day and it was perfect just for a standard shortboard”

“He looked right through me and said softly ‘oh, I don't think I have one of those...’

“And that’s when it happened, his head just exploded clean off his body and shot into the sky. A few quivering flips of his merman tail and it was all over. Gone.

“Unbelievable. It’ll take a day to get all his junk off the beach.”

// DING ALLEY

Ding Alley is ’Toonerist David @maccatoons McArthur and Writerer Gra Murdoch. Their first cars – both Datsuns – met untimely ends. Macca’s girlfriend rolled his 1600 just west of Freshwater Creek one night circa ’87. Murdoch’s 200B was retired in ’89 after mounting a Broadbeach curb after an evening of refreshments in Surfers Paradise. Macca’s business acumen came to the fore when he sold the rusting hulk for 100 bucks a few months later while Murdoch was in Sumbawa.

Comments

fcalmon's picture
fcalmon's picture
fcalmon commented Tuesday, 7 Jul 2020 at 11:00am

It brought tears to my eyes....

90% of what you know was told to you....

zenagain's picture
zenagain's picture
zenagain commented Tuesday, 7 Jul 2020 at 11:08am

"vintage lifesaving belt and reel".

Oh man, can't stop smiling. I know a guy EXACTLY like that, it's almost scary.

And he takes himself so seriously. I love it.

1173

Pops's picture
Pops's picture
Pops commented Tuesday, 7 Jul 2020 at 11:22am

That one had me laughing out loud.
"...Simmons-twin-fin keel fish; an actual fish (regulation size Jewy in tank)"

He who hesitates is lost

stunet's picture
stunet's picture
stunet commented Tuesday, 7 Jul 2020 at 12:11pm

Muscles has put his Lexcen starfin in back to front.

Common mistake, lot of watermen do it.

Rabbits68's picture
Rabbits68's picture
Rabbits68 commented Tuesday, 7 Jul 2020 at 12:26pm

Haha! Brilliant!

“Two unshaped blanks”

Crystal Clear

Spuddups's picture
Spuddups's picture
Spuddups commented Tuesday, 7 Jul 2020 at 2:19pm

I’m giving a 9.5 on the Spuddups scale for this one. Top drawer stuff as usual. I’m a fairly non-judgemental type of guy, but these wartermen type characters really grind my gears. I was pleased that his head exploded. Does that make me a bad person?

bipola's picture
bipola's picture
bipola commented Tuesday, 7 Jul 2020 at 2:28pm

another good one

derra83's picture
derra83's picture
derra83 commented Tuesday, 7 Jul 2020 at 2:44pm

Did the cops consider that maybe Sherm's inflation vest was too tight because of his pre-session carbo load? Or that maybe he pulled all four cords at once and that's why his head blew off?

Toonalook cops are so dodgy.

dandob's picture
dandob's picture
dandob commented Tuesday, 7 Jul 2020 at 3:38pm

No boog! The blindspot in the watermans menagerie.

dazzler's picture
dazzler's picture
dazzler commented Tuesday, 7 Jul 2020 at 4:04pm

Timber handplane & fiberglass handplane also missing.

R00ney's picture
R00ney's picture
R00ney commented Tuesday, 7 Jul 2020 at 3:59pm

Bloody gold as usual gents!
Dunno what got me the most; the boulder for underwater running or the vintage lifesaving belt and reel!
Good to see the mat and the hand gun.

gsco's picture
gsco's picture
gsco commented Tuesday, 7 Jul 2020 at 5:14pm

so funny, again. The Toonalook realestate agent seems remarkably similar to a certain realestate agent at a certain Sunny Coast pointbreak. Bringing a merman tail was probably going a bit overboard...the rest I can understand...

mattlock's picture
mattlock's picture
mattlock commented Tuesday, 7 Jul 2020 at 5:20pm

Brilliant again Ding Alley. You blokes are on fire.
"Unbelievable. It'll take a day to get all his junk of the beach"

gunther's picture
gunther's picture
gunther commented Tuesday, 7 Jul 2020 at 5:21pm

Gold. I dry retch everytime i hear the term 'waterman'

Baron von Spatula's picture
Baron von Spatula's picture
Baron von Spatula commented Wednesday, 8 Jul 2020 at 1:13pm

... 'real estate agent' does it for me!

Cetus's picture
Cetus's picture
Cetus commented Tuesday, 7 Jul 2020 at 5:52pm

Do I detect a whiff of old mate 'Uplift' in there?

batfink's picture
batfink's picture
batfink commented Saturday, 11 Jul 2020 at 3:20pm

What name is uplift posting under these days? Sorry, been off on my own tangent a long time and only getting back on track now. Usually the writing gives it away, I assume he has been banned under a dozen different monikers by now.

andy-mac's picture
andy-mac's picture
andy-mac commented Tuesday, 7 Jul 2020 at 6:13pm

Laughing out loud!
Classic stuff.....

Botak

Yendor's picture
Yendor's picture
Yendor commented Tuesday, 7 Jul 2020 at 6:36pm

Awesome stuff. On a side but related note why is it that SUP riding so appeals to the muscle bound boof head? Is it because they can no longer surf conventional craft due to difficulty revolving those inflated arms for normal paddling?

Westofthelake's picture
Westofthelake's picture
Westofthelake commented Tuesday, 7 Jul 2020 at 6:39pm

Haha is it Friday already?

Funny stuff, again.

gannet's picture
gannet's picture
gannet commented Tuesday, 7 Jul 2020 at 6:46pm

(a merman I should turn to be)

Remigogo's picture
Remigogo's picture
Remigogo commented Tuesday, 7 Jul 2020 at 7:00pm

4x paragraphs in... I had to stop and regain some composure..

Remigogo's picture
Remigogo's picture
Remigogo commented Tuesday, 7 Jul 2020 at 7:09pm

His friggen head WHAT???

mikehunt207's picture
mikehunt207's picture
mikehunt207 commented Tuesday, 7 Jul 2020 at 7:27pm

No mention of "Breathwork" but I,m sure he must have done some Nam course or the like in preparation for the big day. Nice work again fellas! Bunch of similar characters in our town.

nextswell's picture
nextswell's picture
nextswell commented Wednesday, 8 Jul 2020 at 7:34am

Thought he was having a garage sale haha - too good!

snakeman's picture
snakeman's picture
snakeman commented Wednesday, 8 Jul 2020 at 8:25am

Everything but a standard shortboard- brilliant

AndyM's picture
AndyM's picture
AndyM commented Wednesday, 8 Jul 2020 at 8:55am

I reckon for sure old mate had one of these kits at home, as advertised on Swellnet :)

Nothing better than detoxing with a bowel cleanse.

#wellness

thermalben's picture
thermalben's picture
thermalben commented Wednesday, 8 Jul 2020 at 1:18pm

The irony being that our ads are run through Google, and select items of interest based on your previous browsing history. 

Westofthelake's picture
Westofthelake's picture
Westofthelake commented Wednesday, 8 Jul 2020 at 2:28pm

Haha oh dear...

AndyM's picture
AndyM's picture
AndyM commented Wednesday, 8 Jul 2020 at 2:21pm

Touche Ben!

Fuck, why do I have an ad for thelacybra.com on the right-hand side of my screen right now?

Very confusing.

Maybe Google knows that I eat a lot of chicken?

Westofthelake's picture
Westofthelake's picture
Westofthelake commented Wednesday, 8 Jul 2020 at 2:29pm

Sure your computer isn't spying on you Andy? Left ya camera on by mistake perhaps? (haha)

AndyM's picture
AndyM's picture
AndyM commented Wednesday, 8 Jul 2020 at 2:35pm

Look, what a man does in the privacy of his own boudoir is nobody else's business :)

AndyM's picture
AndyM's picture
AndyM commented Wednesday, 8 Jul 2020 at 2:40pm

It gets worse - I was looking at this bouldering route the other day...

thermalben's picture
thermalben's picture
thermalben commented Wednesday, 8 Jul 2020 at 5:52pm

Your photoshop skills are getting better!

AndyM's picture
AndyM's picture
AndyM commented Wednesday, 8 Jul 2020 at 8:58pm

An elementary cut and paste, dear Ben :)

Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch commented Wednesday, 8 Jul 2020 at 7:05pm

Is it the (quoting from the description) “slopey jugs at the top" that downgrade the 14"A.S to a measly two star rating?

AndyM's picture
AndyM's picture
AndyM commented Wednesday, 8 Jul 2020 at 8:55pm

I would never downgrade for slopey jugs.

Sloppy jugs are another story.

Spuddups's picture
Spuddups's picture
Spuddups commented Wednesday, 8 Jul 2020 at 5:41pm

Fark, that’s gonna come back and bite you at some stage. They certainly come up with some creative names for their routes those rock climbing characters aye. I have a mate who’s done quite a bit of climbing, and as it turns out he is the master surf-spot namer.

mikehunt207's picture
mikehunt207's picture
mikehunt207 commented Wednesday, 8 Jul 2020 at 9:04pm

I,m getting Step One undie adds??? WTF never googled buying undies , ever

AndyM's picture
AndyM's picture
AndyM commented Wednesday, 8 Jul 2020 at 9:06pm

Yeah Mike, if these ads are based on Google algorithms then Google is pretty confused.

Anyway, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

tubeshooter's picture
tubeshooter's picture
tubeshooter commented Wednesday, 8 Jul 2020 at 9:59pm

My adds are for an 'executive wallet' and golfing lessons
Not sure but I may be moving up in the world.

AndyM's picture
AndyM's picture
AndyM commented Wednesday, 8 Jul 2020 at 10:13pm

Same.
Plus the bras.
And the enemas.

mattlock's picture
mattlock's picture
mattlock commented Wednesday, 8 Jul 2020 at 10:14pm

Adds?

belly's picture
belly's picture
belly commented Thursday, 9 Jul 2020 at 7:36am

As an intermediate waterman with 6 surfboards to choose from I only put 1 or 2 in the car based on reports, expected conditions etc, this stops my head from exploding :-)

tango's picture
tango's picture
tango commented Thursday, 9 Jul 2020 at 3:19pm

I'd like a story about the Dattos of Toona.

I could fit an 8' gun in the front seat of me Sunny in '97......

Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch's picture
Gra Murdoch commented Thursday, 9 Jul 2020 at 5:18pm

Nice... maybe a survey of all the Toona crews' many and varied vehicles...

tango's picture
tango's picture
tango commented Thursday, 9 Jul 2020 at 6:02pm

I'm sure you could come up with some survey parameters designed to probe their intricacies.

Remigogo's picture
Remigogo's picture
Remigogo commented Thursday, 9 Jul 2020 at 11:19pm

I used to put single ski's in the back of my 180b... great memories...

Spuddups's picture
Spuddups's picture
Spuddups commented Friday, 10 Jul 2020 at 5:50am

I had a 180b. Went like a cut cat.

loungelizard's picture
loungelizard's picture
loungelizard commented Saturday, 11 Jul 2020 at 2:06pm

with the Andy/ben bonus, about the funniest thread I have ever read

batfink's picture
batfink's picture
batfink commented Saturday, 11 Jul 2020 at 3:26pm

“certainly helpful for the physicality of whatever the ocean had to throw at him, sure, but primarily needed for lugging and loading various surfcraft around the place.”

You know it’s true. Such a fun read gentlemen, and to the commenters. Andym , you’re a braver man than I, search histories worry me. :-)

GoodDays's picture
GoodDays's picture
GoodDays commented Tuesday, 14 Jul 2020 at 10:59am

“in the space of five minutes he must have mentioned a dozen different types of craft that would suit the conditions the best.”

I read that to my wife. She knew it was me.

This is the best Ding Alley so far. I could hardly breath the first two times I read it. (Maybe time for a breath-hold course?)

Thanks fellas, absolutely brilliant.

sangsta's picture
sangsta's picture
sangsta commented Tuesday, 14 Jul 2020 at 1:49pm

The benefit of growing up having to catch a train and a ferry or bus to surf, without anything other than yesterday's newspaper weather page to help you guess what the surf was going to be like. You only ever took one apparatus and made the most of it. Other thinking does cause brain combustion. So funny, much thanks.

dangerouskook2000's picture
dangerouskook2000's picture
dangerouskook2000 commented Tuesday, 21 Jul 2020 at 9:05pm

Some of those boards would be worth a bit too. The MP dagger tail and the McCoy. And the 12ft high performance SUP. I'm in tears LOL. Keep these coming fellas, fucking hilarious.