Jokes
Took my new girlfriend out for a few drinks....she started talking about sex and said that after a orgasm she likes to just lay there and cuddle......
I told her I normally just delete the search history and put the tissues in the bin.
how do you drown the hipster?
throw 'em in the mainstream.
Oscar Pistorius has been released from prison and is under house arrest at his uncle's property
There has been a slight delay while they fit cattle grids at the entrance gates.
A guy dies and arrives in hell, satan greets him and tells him that he has lots of options to choose from in how he will be spending eternity. He opens a door and there is a guy being poked over and over with hot pokers, screaming and crying, "fuck no thank"s he says so satan opens another door and there is a another bloke getting his skin peeled off by some devils, again screaming and crying in agony," nah don,t like that either" he says to the devil, so satan opens another door, this time there is a old guy shackled to the wall, the most beautiful naked blonde he has ever seen is going for broke , sucking off the old guy on the wall, this time the man is moaning and groaning ,having the time of his life by the look of things, bloke says "shit yeah this looks like my choice for sure, what a great way to spend eternity", satan walks in, taps the blonde on the shoulder and tells her "you can go now your times up"...
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting to attend and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven Paddy said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday and give up the drink forever!"
Suddenly, the clouds parted and a beam of light shone down to reveal an empty parking space.
Paddy looked up to the sky in joy and said, "Never mind Lord, I found one."
An Irishman and a Muslim are sat next to each other on a plane. A steward passes them and offers them an alcoholic drink.
"Great I'll have a beer please" says the Irishman.
The steward then turn s to the Muslim man and he says "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whore's than let alcohol pass my lips"
The Irishman thinks about it for a second and says "I didn't realize that was an option, forget the beer, I'll have what he's having"
Not a joke as such but pretty funny, in an absurd Viz Comics kinda style.
'Ken M' is the world's best troll.
So weird....
I was only thinking about Viz yesterday, for the first time in at least a decade.
hilarious.
Thats funny shit Stu, geez you read a many ha!
Gold suff, what happened to Shawnio?
Send ken a link Stu
Welly, I think you'd enjoy this guy too.
Expat Aussie living in the US, would give Ken M a run in the troll stakes.
http://www.27bslash6.com/missy.html
Check out the articles on the left, I think you'd like the 'Free Burton Snowboard' one among others.
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That's so funny Zenagain.
Saved that link for some light hearted reading later on;)
"Trolls"?
Why aren't they called "Stirrers".
Holy Shit Zen. They're absolutely hilarious. I've been at my desk for the last 2 hours trying not to get caught in hysterics.
I know Ace, he's a right royal shit stirrer for sure:)
Jeez Zen, been a while since I've read David Thorne. Forgot how funny he is.
"I assumed Ollie is short for Oliver just as Anton is short for a normal sized human."
Among other gems Stu. If satire was a sport he'd be at least through to the quarters.
Oh to have a brain like that.
The NRA one and permission slip are personal favourites but had to kick it off with 'Missing Missy':)
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Q: How did the mathematician with constipation solve his problem?
A: He worked it out with a pencil.
YouTube -
Prankster left in hysterics as his dizzy girlfriend explains why she wants her pizza sliced only 8 ways and not 12.
Udo, that same chick is also in a vid that went viral about her explaining her vote in the brexit. Hilarious.
You know your way to drunk to drive when that tree you just swerved to miss
is actually your air freshener.
You know you're way too drunk when they find traces of blood in your alcohol.
Keef's favourite stoned joke:
Knock knock
Who's there?
Woo
Woo who?
"Pleased to meet you, hope you guess my name"
Heres a funny story from Sunday Register - Nude sunbather on Singapore beach injured after crab mistakes her vagina for an oyster.
Probably the action her friends took could see you doing jail time in Singapore .
Yes and funny it is udo,how do you find this stuff ?Love the way her 'friends ' helped her......
http://www.sundayregister.com/nude-sunbather-singapore-beach-injured-cra...
What did the chicken say to the goat that was about to cross the road?
Don't do it, mate! You'll never hear the end of it!
Probably heard or seen it on social media but anyway if you haven't...
What do the secret service yell when there is an attempt on the president of the USA life?
Donald - DUCK.
How do you get a nun pregnant ?
Dress her up as an alter boy.
Hear about the kidnapping at the school?
He just woke up.
I just started a new business in India
The call centre will be based in Scotland
See how you like that you fuckers.
I have always said that David and Candice Warner are just perfect for each other
right down to the little details...
Now they have both been caught in Public Ball Tampering Scandals.
Now Deleted !!!!
That's not a joke, it's a tasteless racist, sexist insult. If your friends laugh at that kind of stuff, take my advice, find some new ones.
Tasteless, yes.
Offensive due to sexism and misogyny, yes.
But racist?
"Racism is the belief in the superiority of one race over another, which often results in discrimination and prejudice towards people based on their race or ethnicity."
Careful BB, else words become meaningless.
Math question:-
If my guard dog has three testicles and you take away two- how many fingers do you have left?
Andy, tell that joke to a Croatian, then tell me it's not racist.
How, using the commonly accepted definition of racism, is it racist?
Highly offensive to a Croation, yes, especially seeing as it's a play on words of the name of a war criminal.
Well Andy definitions of racism vary but definitions of pedantry are much more consistent.
Unfortunately BB, you are the definition of the regressive left.
It's funny because I have similar conversations with other members of the regressive left.
"Where's your proof about chemtrails" I ask, "where's you evidence that the sun doesn't cause cancer?
They generally twitch and shuffle and end up calling me pedantic or some such.
Happy to wear that Andy. Let's regress to a more equitable distribution of wealth, free tertiary education, unions that can defend their members from exploitation, a diverse media, humane treatment of asylum seekers etc etc.
Nah that's the traditional left, not the current schism which chooses to abandon facts and logic to suit their hyperbole.
Damn it, there goes my pedantry again ;)
So accepting one of the broader definitions of racism puts me in with the chemtrails conspirators? Ha ha pass me that tin foil hat Andy, sign me up for an alien abduction and don't mention the moon landings,
What broader definition of racism?
A made up one?
'There are no universally accepted definitions of racism, racial discrimination, xenophobia and related intolerance. The definitions provided here draw on current international debates and legal interpretations.
Racism exists in many different forms. Generally, racism is a set of beliefs, often complex, that asserts the natural superiority of one group over another, and which is often used to justify differential treatment and social positions. This may occur at the individual level, but often occurs at a broader systemic or institutional level.
The international definition of racial discrimination is contained in Article 1 of the International Convention on the Elimination of All Forms of Racial Discrimination (ICERD). It states that 'the term 'racial discrimination' shall mean any distinction, exclusion, restriction or preference based on race, colour, or national or ethnic origin which has the purpose or effect of nullifying or impairing the recognition, enjoyment or exercise, on an equal footing, of human rights and fundamental freedoms in the political, economic, social, cultural or any other field of public life'.'
https://www.humanrights.gov.au/hreoc-website-racial-discrimination-natio...
The comment is racist. It is a distinction aimed at denigration of a particular ethnic group.
" It is a distinction aimed at denigration of a particular ethnic group."
Bullshit.
"Generally, racism is a set of beliefs, often complex, that asserts the natural superiority of one group over another"
The 'joke' did nothing of the sort.
That grubby little play on words didn't touch any of the Australian Human Rights Commission's definitions.
Anyhoo, you fellas feel free to keep making new meanings for words so that they suit your ideological agenda.
Oh the irony, as I post a link to The Guardian!
https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/apr/26/conservatives-love...
Sounds familiar doesn't it, "to be pilloried by the left for something he said that was certainly insensitive, but hardly worth the vehemence of the reaction."
You said:
'Highly offensive to a Croation, yes, especially seeing as it's a play on words of the name of a war criminal.'
The international definition of racial discrimination is contained in Article 1 of the 'International Convention on the Elimination of All Forms of Racial Discrimination (ICERD). It states that 'the term 'racial discrimination' shall mean any distinction, exclusion, restriction or preference based on race, colour, or national or ethnic origin which has the purpose or effect of nullifying or impairing the recognition, enjoyment or exercise, on an equal footing, of human rights and fundamental freedoms in the political, economic, social, cultural or any other field of public life'.'
'racial discrimination' shall mean any distinction,'
'based on race, colour, or national or ethnic origin'
'which has the purpose or effect of nullifying or impairing the recognition, enjoyment or exercise, on an equal footing, of human rights and fundamental freedoms in the political, economic, social, cultural or any other field of public life'.''
https://www.humanrights.gov.au/hreoc-website-racial-discrimination-natio...
'They generally twitch and shuffle and end up calling me pedantic or some such.'
Stop twitching again!!!
But if you feel the need, champion the racist comment. Again.
Poor taste but how does it have "the purpose or effect of nullifying or impairing the recognition, enjoyment or exercise, on an equal footing, of human rights and fundamental freedoms in the political, economic, social, cultural or any other field of public life'.'
Twitch.
They say 1 in 5 people are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family. It could be my mum or dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Chan-Chi Ying. But I reckon it's Colin.